MIL is making me crazy!! lol She has decided that we don't feed DS enough, and now takes every opportunity to insist that's why he's crying. GAH! Last night he had a teething meltdown...and she kept asking me if I'd tried feeding him. Uh, of course. It's always the first thing to try when he cries. No, I don't know my kid, and it couldn't possibl be the four molars that are making his red, puffy gums hurt! Oh, and the gooky sinus eyes...were because he must have been crying all day at daycare. I know she means well, but, seriously, we know what we're doing!! Gah!

(Okay, vent over...)

Why do I feel the need to justify myself to her? I even feel the need to justify a bit here. That bothers me more than the nitpicking. I know the problem is that I need to have more confidence in my own actions. And, at first, I just found all the constant questioning irritating. But, after awhile, it's started to get to me!

xh has been camping out at in my apartment. He says he feels homeless. He also keeps insisting that I hang out there when MIL and bf are at his place, so that he has someone on his side.

More pieces to the puzzle... I did get a glimpse of crazy-mode again the last few days. It hasn't been bad, but a lot of things are really clicking in my head lately.

Crazy-mode makes me just want away from him. I can see why I was sooo convinced I was done last year. With a little space, I can see that I was feeling really trapped by it. Of course, I always tried to work on myself, GAL, etc. Between that and that he used to nitpick worse than MIL, I think I really did withdraw emotionally from him a lot during those periods because I just couldn't deal with it.

I have such a hard time putting into words why I feel things at times, but I can recall this just pervading sense of oppression in me, of feeling like I just wanted away, and I didn't know from what. Most of the clothes I purchased at that time very, very dark. Interestingly, all of my color choices the last few months have been bright and cheery...orange paint in the kitchen, green in the bedroom. Red, blue, yellow for clothes. I think xh resolved a number of these things on his own, and I just didn't realize how deeply I was impacted until it was gone--and I can see glimpses of those things now, with MIL here. I must have been really unhappy, and just withdrew as a result.

I must have seemed totally checked out of the M at times. So, I can see why xh would have allowed someone else in, emotionally. The classic case of my own unavailability.

That would also explain why, during sep#2, he responded so well to all of the ILY's and random romantic things I would try. Because he really was craving my attention.

Of course, right now, xh is getting all of those love-needs met by JD. Ok. Well, maybe not all. Her time with him seems to be more limited than it used to be....I wonder if that's why he's been around more? xh has told me that he doesn't see her as much as he used to. (Not-so-coincidentally, he doesn't spend as much time at that gym. Surprise, surprise.) Their R is basically a bunch of texts and IM's about how much they love each other. Not sure there's much substance for anything more longterm there.


Positives...

xh told me he misses our family time...where it's just me, him, and the baby.

xh has told me repeatedly he supports me in regards to MIL. (Amazingly, he and I have very similar ideas on how to raise kids. Who would have thought?)

xh actually gave me a couple of genuine hugs yesterday! \:\) \:\) \:\)

xh is fighting the impulse to go into crazy-mode pretty well. He is very, very stressed, but has been doing a pretty good job of not (completely) taking it out on me, unlike in the past. I need to make sure to tell him this!

Azhira

my confusion