David-Thanks for telling us the meaning of "Friday". I agree that Friday comes for most...but Thursday could last for years...this all would be so much easier on all of the LBS's if we knew Thursday was only 24 hours.
David - I'm sorry - I was having a little fun - I knew it was an allegory.....
But to answer your serious question.....
I don't know.
I never wanted to be in this position....I don't believe in divorce. I never wanted my children to come from a "broken home". I took my vows seriously.
And I thought that I was marrying someone who felt the same way.
But he is not the man that I thought he was.
In my opinion, a true man doesn't cause pain to his wife and children. A true man doesn't consider himself first. A true man doesn't lie and cheat. A true man doesn't walk out on his family.
He has caused me a great deal of pain. And it is hard for me to remember the man I married. Now I just see a self centered, miserable SOB who has destroyed everything in his path to find HIS "happiness".
But most of all, I see someone who put his feelings above his daughters' feelings. I see someone who has cared less about the impact on them. And he is...more and more...putting them on the back burner by missing important events in their lives. I never wanted this for my children. They didn't ask for this...they don't deserve this. I absolutely hate him when I think of the pain he has caused them.
I don't know if I belong here. I have questioned that from the beginning. I don't know if he is in MLC. I don't know if I am standing. I don't know that I want to go through years of this, with the worse apparently to come.
If this were a titled disease and my H was diagnosed with it, I may feel differently. But there seems to be some question as to whether or not it is real. Is it just an excuse for bad behavior? Is it just an excuse to take a "time out" in a marriage?
I consider this...all of this...the verbal blows, the leaving, the destroying of a family (not to mention extented family and friends) to be incredibly selfish. I read about these incredible women, like MrsH and Shades...Lissie and Cinders and many more, who are just getting abused by these men....and I think why are any of us doing this? Is it really worth it to have to deal with all of this? Why do we want to be with these men? Quite simply and understated - they aren't very nice.
I do remember my vows...that d*mn "for better or for worse" statement..... And it is what makes me not make the move to file....it does make me wait....it does make me have some patience with this thing.
But, to be honest....
I don't predict a "happily ever after" with my H and I. I know that I am at the beginning of all of this, but my gut feeling tells me that he is gone for good. I think he is more of a WAS than a MLC, if I understand the differences correctly. And a WAS is less likely to come home.
And even if there were a miracle and he wanted to come home....I just don't know that I could have him home. I read about the ones who do come home and I have so much respect and admiration for the LBS who stood and waited for them. I don't know that I can.
So now I am crying. I am crying because I have to put up 3 stockings this year, instead of 4....I'm crying because I can't put up all of the ornaments because I have to divide them in half and give H what is rightfully his (because even though he is h*ll bent on doing the wrong things, I'll be d*mned if I stoop to his level), I'm crying because I trusted this man that I knew for 10 years before I married him and he decided to betray that trust by becoming involved with someone else...I'm crying because he now tells her that he loves her...words that he used to say to me.
I'm sorry, David....the question brought out the worst in me...
w8ting, the questions you pose are the ones that all of us here have asked ourselves.
Is MLC real? And if it is, can it excuse the appalling behaviour? Is our spouse suffering from it in any case?
If they did want to come home could we accept them back after all they have done?.
Without being a doormat, and without suggesting that we should do other than work on ourselves and GAL, all these questions are about US. When we marry we become a part of something that is bigger than this, and this is what we are fighting for - not our own skins, but the fabric of our lives, our families.
There are casualities - some spouses do not make it through this terrible life transition that exacts such a price, and some LBS realise that this is not the marriage, and the partner that they truly want.
We are not saints, and we shouldn't beat ourselves up if we can't make it, if we decide to stop. But know that you are not alone, that we all question ourselves [or most of us do - a few have total confidence that all will be well -and even then it is'nt easy for them]. I had a very low moment this evening, facing another Christmas without my h, making the best Christmas I can for my family, and trying not to feel like poor me.
What keeps us going? I don't know - prayer, stubborness, love, stupidity . . .
My goodness W8ing I could of written most of your post. So much of it is how I am feeling.
I too hate him sometimes when I think of the pain he has caused. Like yesterday when s6 showed me the picture he drew, I wanted to punch my H in the face when I saw him.
I think around the holidays is the worse, but you will make it through this. I didn't think I would, but last year I managed to have a descent Christmas.
Maybe you can try to start a new tradition with you and the children. Something you have never done before.
Maybe you can buy some new ornaments and new stocking? That is what I have done. There was certain Christmas items I couldn't even bring up from the basement because they were too sentimental. I don't know if I will ever be able to use them again, so I got new ones.
I am sorry you are in so much pain. This time of the year is especially tough on us LBS but thank goodness we have each other.
Angelica - you started my fountain all over again...and I am trying to get ready to go out. Of course, the fact that I don't have one pair of pants that fit added to the emotion. I am sorry that you are feeling low. You wouldn't know by your post -it really helped me tonight during my mini meltdown - it was beautifully written. But to answer your last question....very easy.
My girls.
David - thanks for responding...I will leave it up to the girls on whether or not they hang the stocking. That is what I dread most...what their reaction will be when we are decorating.
MrsH - after the day you are having - thanks for stopping by. We are going to start a new tradition - the girls did not want to go to in-laws house on Christmas Eve (I wasn't invited because H will be there). My D11 wants to stay home and bake cookies, so we will stay home and bake cookies after church. I am going to let them decide the menu too. I am betting on pizza. You know...that traditional Christmas Eve dinner.....
I will be okay with the decorations...I think. A lot of memories, but I will hang in there. There is one ornament that will product tears because I will give it to H - a memory of his grandmother, who I adored and have thought of a lot since the bomb. But it rightfully belongs to him and I will do the right thing and give it to him. But it will be hard....
And, by the way...I didn't care much for your H yesterday after the picture incident either. I just hate it when the kids are hurting....
My mini meltdown is over. I am going out, if I can find something to wear (I have dropped another size).
And no...I will not be partying with H's divorce lawyer....
W8ing Glad you are feeling better You brought up some interesting ideas in your post I agree, we all wonder if H really has MLC and if so is it really some sort of breakdown From what ive read, it does seem to be a real thing Our H change so drastically like overnight and then remain unreachable for many months I believe it must be real only in the end, when we fully experience it, will we really know..each of us for ourselves whatever the outcome, I dont think we as LBS are wasting time by standing It is probably the highest road for our growth we could take If we meditate or reflect within ourselves, we may know if we should stand.. hope you ahe a good rest of weekend peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
w8ting - I did not mean to set you off! The good thing about the passage of time is the knowledge that the low moments DO pass.
As to the decorating. Your girls will take their cue from you - as you know. If you are matter of fact that it is going to be different, but that it is going to be fun they will go along with that. You might all be faking it at times, but a collective fake can be good!
For example - my h never liked games, and so we didn't play them much. But we do like them, so we have got lots of games, and play them at Christmas. In fact my h didn't like Christmas much. He always said it was the commercialisation, but really I think his childhood Christmases were not much fun. Looking back, I always made Christmas 'happen'. I did try and bring him along, and I did scale back to what he wanted, but there was always a slight gloom lurking, and a point at which he would go off into another room, and sit . . .
Anyway, you will be fine, if sad at times. Sad is normal.
I have learned a valuable lesson this morning. I had to go through pictures for two reasons - a Christmas present and a school project.
It is not a wise thing to do.
You just really realize how much history is there, and you really feel the loss.
But in all honesty, I also would look at a picture and remember that H didn't want to do this, or H was mad about this.
I read a lot of posts where everyone is remembering the loving and caring H they had. Why am I so focused on the negative in him now? Defense mechanism?
Oh, angelica - I know you didn't mean to set me off - I think I was just in a moment from when David asked if there would be a Friday. I recovered quickly and went out last night.
It is funny that you mentioned games....since H has been gone, we have game and pizza night once a week. If we ever played games when H was here, he would play because the girls asked. But he wasn't happy about it.
Nothing can disturb game night. In fact, H was out of town and hadn't seen the girls for a while and wanted to take them to dinner. I agreed, told the girls and they protested saying that it was game night. So I had to change the dinner date...I'm sure that he thought it was me...but who cares. For Christmas, we are getting all sorts of new games so I am excited.
I was just reading through your thread, and all that you are exploring and wondering echoes through my head all the time.
I move between deciding I will just wait it all out until I can afford and we can afford to divorce to crying over a song on the radio and wishing H would just come home. I know that he won't, I know that his MLC is not just MLC - it's a crisis that has happened at midlife and involves so many things, and all of that means the chances of him returning are so small.
My IC and friends all think I'm too easy on my H - that I need to call him on his selfishness and "childishness". What you are saying here about seeing your h's negative and selfish side suggests that you are doing better than me at being able to see your h as he is - not as you want or as you might excuse. I keep thinking that until I can see my H as he is and not as I think, we can not rebuild or recreate anything even if he does want to come home - no matter how much I want.
I am like you in that I don't believe in divorce, and I think about the vows we made ... we actually said "all that I am, and all that I am to become, I give to you" which all rings ironic right now. A wise friend of mine, though, who is herself a minister, said to me that my H and I fulfilled those vows long ago - that there is no shame or wrong in this ending, especially if the most loving thing to do is to respect my H's wishes and let my H go.
All that said, I have no idea how I'm going to get through the decorating of this holiday season - I'm so close to not decorating - and though the roller coaster is no where as wild as it once was, it still runs more reliably than I'd like. I give thanks that I have GAL, though, and I know that whatever comes, I can get through it, even if that includes a number of tears in the process.
Just adding some thoughts and my support to you here.
