W is realizing that you aren't that pursuer, the clingy one anymore. She is wondering where you are, and then realizes it when SHE is the one coming unglued, being all emotional, stomping her feet. Good Mark, this is good.
I completely agree. I went through this stage - where W went from "I'm sure I would be happy if I could just be free from ROB!" to "D@mn, Rob is letting me go - and I am still miserable!" That's a pretty big, pretty important chink in that MLC armor.
Originally Posted By: Ohio_mark
Her confusion and guilt are driving her somewhere. Not sure where.
I'll let you in on a secret - she has even less of an idea "where" than you do!
Personal note: Sent you an email - are we still on for dinner tomorrow (Monday) night? Let me know!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
wow, mark, good for you. yep, you are throwing her off, that's for sure. and lol about your comment...she must have been fuming. hee!
again, need to take lessons in cool detachment from you.
eta, I can't even imagine my h getting my parents a christmas gift, or even thinking in those terms. I, on the other hand, already have his mom's gift bought.
Last edited by morgan; 11/18/0705:45 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I can only second everyone else's comments. Rob is especially spot on.
Mark, in the past, has your W been in the habit of getting presents for your parents? Is this the repetition of past behaviors? Or something new?
Either way it represents a bit of guilt on her part, mixed with a desire (conscious or subconscious) to maintain a link with you and your family.
(My W, on the other hand, has totally ignored my family, even when she would have been sending gifts to them of her own accord in the past -- that's how much she has alienated them as well as myself.)
(My W, on the other hand, has totally ignored my family, even when she would have been sending gifts to them of her own accord in the past -- that's how much she has alienated them as well as myself.)
Sorry to hijack Mark, but nocode..oh yeah. Its horrible on my side too. H hasn't been to one of my functions for at least 4 months. I am assuming Thanksgiving will be another skipped function too. H never asks about them either.
Wow... lots of stuff here. I will try to respond to it all:
Originally Posted By: lwb
Quote:
I just told I am enjoying hearing her ranting. Of course, this made her angrier.
hee hee, you are a stinker. But this is good. Not just good from DB'ing aspects. But good for you, for your heart and protecting your emotions.
lwb, I think I just pissed her off. In hindsight, it was disrespectful and inconsiderate. I should not have handled it that way. While I will not apologize, I will not laugh at her when her emotions get the best of her in the future.
Originally Posted By: Rob1231
Originally Posted By: Ohio_mark
Her confusion and guilt are driving her somewhere. Not sure where.
I'll let you in on a secret - she has even less of an idea "where" than you do!
I will agree with that, completely. Just four months ago, she was planning to move 450 miles away to live with her boyfriend (with my kids.... yeah, right, like I would let that happen!!!). And now that the guilt of what she has done has caught up with her, she is wondering what to do next. The feelings that she has for me are pulling her toward me, there is no doubt about that. Unfortunately, the clock is ticking... my feelings for her are fading very, very fast (see below).
Originally Posted By: Rob1231
Personal note: Sent you an email - are we still on for dinner tomorrow (Monday) night? Let me know!
Rob, I have been trying to send an email to you. I cannot make the meeting. My work travel schedule has changed. I sent another email tonight. Sorry for the late notice.
Originally Posted By: morgan
wow, mark, good for you. yep, you are throwing her off, that's for sure. and lol about your comment...she must have been fuming. hee!
See above. It was wrong of me to laugh at her. No two ways about that.
Originally Posted By: morgan
again, need to take lessons in cool detachment from you.
Morgan, the detachment is a function of frustration. I am very, very lonely. I know that I deserve better. I crave the companionship that comes from even a causal date.
Today, I went to a football game with #2. Two things happened there. First, the couple sitting next to us were not married. It was obviously a date. And I found the woman rather attractive. And I began thinking, "Shouldn't I have a shot at this? Right now, I have nothing. "
Another thing... there was another rather fetching woman sitting behind us, and she and I made eye contact quite a few times. Now, I am married, and I have no intention of hypocritically violating my marriage vows. But damn it, I could not help but think how nice it would have been to have at least introduced myself. But, as a result of the situation that my wife has placed me in, I had no choice. I remain very lonely. I am in purgatory. Neither heaven nor hell. Morgan, I guess what I mean is that my loneliness is driving my detachment. It's that simple. I'm not looking for a "date" or a "pick-up." I am craving companionship, and I am very, very lonely. And this is emotionally pushing her away from me.
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
Mark, in the past, has your W been in the habit of getting presents for your parents? Is this the repetition of past behaviors? Or something new?
Either way it represents a bit of guilt on her part, mixed with a desire (conscious or subconscious) to maintain a link with you and your family.
The family on my side exchanges gifts with adults on a rotating basis. Wife "drew" my mother. In fact, a few months ago, my family went so far as to ask me (in the absence of my wife) whether to include my wife in the exchange this year. I insisted that we include her. Good choice. She is a member of this family until she is not any more.
And I agree that, subconsciously, she is enjoying the safety net of my family. She is cake-eating...
That's about it. Once again, thanks for the input.
(((HUGS))) mark, it shows just what a good guy you are that you can step back and realize it was a kind of lousy thing to do, to laugh at her emotions. I know I snickered at it myself, but yeah, I do see your point here.
and I know the purgatory, and the loneliness, too. although I think you are doing pretty good to even find some women attractive. I think its a good sign...if you and your w end up divorced, you will be ready when you are ready, and guessing when you are you will take the reigns and do what you would have liked to have been able to do today.
I don't know what is wrong with me, but I just can't seem to find any men attractive. I think when I am ready to date I will. right now, not so much. although I was at the gym on saturday and there were two guys that mildly sparked my interest. it must be hard because you and your wife still live together. and I do think she still gives you mixed messages, at least from what I am reading lately. my h has been very clear with me lately...crystal clear. even so, I take my marriage vows seriously myself. so maybe that is what is holding me back, too. when I finally let him go for good, I'll be able to move on in that area.
the gift thing makes more sense, btw. and I do find it interesting that your wife is taking it seriously...I think if she was truly gone, she would beg off. or am I reading too much into it?
enough said. I'm not even going to give you sh!t for using the term, "fetching." ummm...thought that went out with the big bands. (j/k)
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
(((HUGS))) and I know the purgatory, and the loneliness, too. although I think you are doing pretty good to even find some women attractive. I think its a good sign...if you and your w end up divorced, you will be ready when you are ready, and guessing when you are you will take the reigns and do what you would have liked to have been able to do today.
morgan... funny, if we do end up divorced, I believe that I will take about 6-12 months off from any contact with any woman. But it's the fact that I am being denied the companionship that I crave, this exacerbates my situation. We tend to want what we cannot have. Human nature.
Originally Posted By: morgan
the gift thing makes more sense, btw. and I do find it interesting that your wife is taking it seriously...I think if she was truly gone, she would beg off. or am I reading too much into it?
Not reading too much. This is significant.
Originally Posted By: morgan
enough said. I'm not even going to give you sh!t for using the term, "fetching." ummm...thought that went out with the big bands. (j/k)
okay, the cat's meow, or the cat's pajamas? inquiring minds want to know, lol!
mark, I get that, about being denied the companionship you crave.
a year ago I had everything I ever wanted. well, not a villa in france, but I had a man I loved and knew would be there for life, I had 3 great kids, a nice house, my h provides well for us, a life where I finally felt like the light at the end of the tunnel was near (some rough times when the 3 were younger). I remember last october was our first real family vacation...not a trip to visit family, but a real stay-in-a-hotel fly-on-a-plan trip. and it was great! I just thought good times were ahead...it would only get better and better. I even finally started having real dinner parties again...with grownups coming over after the kids go to bed (my kids were light sleepers for a long time, it wasn't smart to even think about this). I had so many plans, so many visions for how great our life was.
little did I know.
I have a lot of resentment at having the rug pulled out from under me. I am angry that I am suddenly alone...celibate...lonely. yeah, I know I could remedy that part tomorrow if I wanted to, but that's not what I want either. and I'm mad that my kids won't grow up in a home with mommy and daddy together. hell, my twins won't even remember us ever being a family.
so yeah, I get it. I don't have a time frame in mind like you do, no 6 or 12 months for me. I'll fill that void when I'm ready, might be shorter, might be longer, who knows. but hopefully I will fill it.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Hi Mark. You are right, you shouldn't have laughed, but it happened, and you won't do it again. I was wrong to find it funny. H has laughed at me (or made silly jokes) when I have been at my most upset and its not a good feeling. You are so sensitive, even to the person that has hurt you the most.
I know what you mean about lonely. Craving that attention, conversation, not even really sex (ok sometimes sex LOL), just having someone. And I fully agree that the feeling lonely has created detachment for me, in a lot of ways. I am tired of being pushed away, so I am just getting away from him, make sense?
morgan, lmfao at the 'fetching'. I wouldn't mind being called 'fetching'......
