But I wanted to tell you -- and CJay -- One thing that is becoming increasingly clear to me is how much I need time to just sit and think. My morning and bedtime routines are the only times of day that I regularly have time to myself to just let my mind process life. I used to get short/cold to SBH when he would come in and grope me while I was washing my face or brushing my teeth. We both ended up thinking I just didn't like to be treated like a sex object.
But it always puzzled me that he would grab me in the kitchen while I was doing dishes or making breakfast or whatever - that never bothered me. Now I realize it's the meditative time - that I have NOT been taking for myself, other than in the bathroom!!! - that I REALLY NEED.
SO, this is my way of saying, the one time in my life that I "traveled" by myself was my junior year in college. I did a year in Scotland (Aberdeen), and at Christmas my sister and a friend from H.S. came over - they left on a Thursday, I couldn't go back to my room until Monday. So I stayed in a B&B Thurs night, Friday night and Saturday night - went back and they let me back into my room on Sunday one day early. Turned out one of my travel partners who'd split off from me & my two companions came back early to, so I had a little company...
Anyway, when I got to Scotland I had a pretty sever Major Depressive Episode. That was in October. By December I was starting to come out of it, but the travel through the holidays wore me out completely. I bought peanut butter, jelly, bread, instant soup, and a couple of Agatha Christie books. My room was on the 3rd floor, had a hot pot to heat water and there was a bathroom across from my room. I stayed up there the whole time, didn't even go down for breakfast. I read, ate, slept and watched some TV. I felt so refreshed and centered and calm after that weekend.
Unfortunately for me AND my H, I had been squawking about needing a weekend away by myslef for at LEAST 2 years. When I finally decided to do it, set it up with SBH, and went, I spent it with the OM. Even as I was driving there, I was thinking, "you know, I really DO need a weekend BY MYSELF." I had just gone to talk to a lawyer about separation/divorce. THe lawyer is one I'd worked with before - high powered criminal defense attourney who does divorces occasionally and in the case I worked on with him, I felt he had high ethical standards and really understood and protected the mental health of the family. When I talked with him, one of the things he said was, "if he hasn't cheated on you, isn't physically or mentally abusing you, says he loves you, is working on himself and wants to work on the marriage, why are you not working on it?" "Good question," I thought to myself. I opted NOT to confide about the affair. I was quite ashamed.
I left straight from his office to drive to meet OM for the weekend. We had already reserved the room and I think I mostly went b/c I didn't want to waste money & get him angry with me. I'm really in this mess a LOT because I never want to have anyone angry with me. I REALLY had just wanted to spend a weekend BY MYSELF. NO kids. NO husband. NO dishes. NO clients. NO messy house. NO family phone calls. NO RESPONSIBILITY!!!!!!!!
NOT because I don't love any of those things. Really. When I can just focus on the dishes or the mess, be meditative and clean, I LOVE doing housework. It's so rewarding. And I LOVE spending time with my H, my kids, but there is something regenerative about having some time to yourself.
I don't know if you & CJay have kids, but even if you don't, alone time is important. NOt that you need to know that probably, at least intellectually. But CJay may need to hear it from someone other than you, and YOU probably need to hear it, because, well, you're a working woman and you probably don't take the time you need!!!
So, Shinybear, DO IT. And CJay, write a lot of posts and I'll post you back while she's gone - in fact, I bet there are TONS of people around here who will post you & give you moral support while she's gone. I think it must be a Mars-VEnus thing maybe that women seem to need more down time/alone time than men...who knows. What am I, a psychologist or something???!!!!!
Well, now I must say (if you've hung in there to read this long post!)
