H initiated the big R talk in which he basically said that he will not end the A (confirmed that it is PA again) but knows that this 3-person marriage is most unfair to me. I think the guilt of it being a PA again has overwhelmed him plus the fact that I am being the wonderful me . He said that he tries every day to find a reason to end it with ow but is too attached to her. That if there was any hope that we could work it out that he would walk away from ow but there is no hope. He thinks we are great at being friends and having fun together (an important part of what marriage is about, right??!!) but that is it.
D is the answer because he is skeptical that the changes I have made will stick. He does not believe that our M will ever be different than what it was. He kept trying to take ow out of picture. As if our M would not be salvagable and his feelings about "us" would be exactly the same even if there wasn't another person involved. I calmly told him that I disagreed with that and stated that he would see my efforts to change much differently if there wasn't someone else involved.
As we talked through some of my continued boundaries regarding ow contact, I tried to make him understand how painful every call that comes from ow/tm/evidence of the A is to someone in my shoes. I told him that I read in a book (I think it was the Shirley Glass one) that a S having an affair hurts more than someone close to you dying. Then, think about living with it for as long as I have. It's like someone dying over and over and over - that's the magnitude of pain that he and ow are inflicting.
All the while he tried to make ow into a saint, I calmly stated my view of a woman who will not only seduce someone else's husband but will carry on forever with that man. I told him it is just downright mean and wicked and that is how I will always view her. H said he would never purposely throw the A in my face again. I responded that may be true but ow will certainly do that and has done it by calling when she knows we are on a family vaca, giving D gifts, tm at all hours, etc. He naively said that she waited for him when he cut off the PA a while back.. that's how much she loves and cares for him. I said "no kidding". She was married at the time. What was she going to do? Go out and seduce another married man?? H's eyes got kind of big. Kind of like this realization hit at that moment. It was interesting and he changed his tune and said that he was "skeptical" of her as well ... wth??
All in all, I feel horribel but like I was finally heard. H understands some of what I am feeling now. There were tears from both of us but I told him that he is right - D is what we need to do because I do not want to live in a 3-person marriage any longer. So, that's how it ended. But, H kept coming up to me and hugging me, then we sat on the couch and he rubbed my back and played with my hair. Is this normal? It just seems that two people getting D'd should be much more detached from each other.. I really don't get it and I really don't think he understands the magnitude of what he is about to lose.
. He said that he tries every day to find a reason to end it with ow but is too attached to her. That if there was any hope that we could work it out that he would walk away from ow but there is no hope. He thinks we are great at being friends and having fun together (an important part of what marriage is about, right??!!) but that is it.
