Things seem to be going great! Keep doing what you're doing...giving your W lots of space. Your words bring back memories of what happened right before the big reconciliation day in our sitch! Obviously your focus on becoming a better YOU is drawing your W back. And the best part?....you seem so grounded....that these changes were made for YOU....
The only caution....WHEN your W is ready to jump in with both feet...keep giving her as much space as she needs. My biggest challenge?....to avoid smothering my W. This still amazes me because I know that there are women who want to be smothered but my W isn't one of them. I guess there is a fine line between lavishing your affection on your S and becoming needy. I think I wrote that whole last paragraph mostly for ME...but, think about it if you want. Take care, Catfan!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Things seem to be going great! Keep doing what you're doing...giving your W lots of space. Your words bring back memories of what happened right before the big reconciliation day in our sitch! Obviously your focus on becoming a better YOU is drawing your W back. And the best part?....you seem so grounded....that these changes were made for YOU....
The only caution....WHEN your W is ready to jump in with both feet...keep giving her as much space as she needs. My biggest challenge?....to avoid smothering my W. This still amazes me because I know that there are women who want to be smothered but my W isn't one of them. I guess there is a fine line between lavishing your affection on your S and becoming needy. I think I wrote that whole last paragraph mostly for ME...but, think about it if you want. Take care, Catfan!
Faith you are so right about continuing to give space. Over the last several days and weeks I have been doing that. Last week I got out from under my rock and got back out with friends. It had a huge impact on my attitude. I've just been overflowing with PMA. So how has this impacted us? She's been much more responsive when we have interacted. She seems a lot more interested. Now with the big positives effects of this job interview she is practically giddy with me. Tonight she told me a couple of times to make sure I let her know how it goes tomorrow and to email her as soon as I leave.
But the best part of it all is once again I just feel great about me! Hey I know those sad times will come around, they always do. but I've got lots of PMA to fall back on too!
Now something funny. Of course part of DBing is to not always being available. I've failed at this for the most part. Something I didn't mention in my earlier post was she asked me about D11's party on 11/17 and if I could take D9 because she'll bother D11 and friends during the sleepover. She also asked if she could borrow my SUV to haul the kids around. Honestly I stayed silent because I was trying not to blurt out "you only ask when it's convenient for you don't you?" I told her I might be able to help but am not sure. Honestly she has asked me to take at least one of the girls multiple times but I have never asked her. I also am always here when she has biz trips and such. So it's time to be unavailable.
Tonight, unsolicited she apologized to me for assuming I'd just do it and for not discussing it with me beforehand. She realized it was wrong to assume and wrong to expect me to change plans I had already made since she didn't communicate her plans with me. I still plan on saying sorry I have plans that weekend. I actually do but I could easily change them but I won't. I can let her borrow the truck because I won't need it so I might do that. She knows I won't drive it on any trips because I'll take my car. But with all of this I could tell not being available or the potential that I wouldn't be was having an affect on her and in a way I suspect is good with regards to DBing.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Well today it's been one year of separation for us.
OK fine, it's a sad thought and nothing more. Dan Fogelberg's Same Ole Lang Syne was on the radio a few minutes ago. Well I took the 5 minutes and 19 seconds of his song and let the sadness in, let it run its course and I'm done with it now.
Monday was my birthday, I've had a couple of great job interviews, my wonderful kids love me, I've got great friends, the sun is shining and most of all I'm happy with my renewed self now. Yes life is getting really good once again!!!
It's a Tremendous Thursday!!!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Feeling a tinge of melancholy this morning. Well it was bound to happen since I've been on a PMA high for a week now. I mean bouncing off the walls kind of PMA high. It peaked yesterday afternoon when I got the call, I got the job and at higher pay then I was expecting! WOO!
Thoughts of Christmas dominated my night and kept me from getting a good nights sleep. My mother told me yesterday that she was inviting my wife to join us for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. My Mom started to tear up(she never cries) as she talked about her "daughter" and how she and my Dad have always viewed her as their daughter and not a daughter-in-law. She really misses having my wife around. Hell so do I!!
Another thought has been hanging around too, where have all my friends here gone, how are they doing, how are their situations? So many people have come and gone.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
First, congrats on the job find. Wasn't that the first part of your journey? As I recall, that was one of your wife's biggest complaints, or at least that's what she said. That should be a great positive boost for you, and should re-focus a lot of your thoughts. It's not Iraq, but it will do!
Ahh..the holidays. Yes, it is that time of year. I think you do your best to make it happy for your kids. easier said than done, but it's what you have to do.
Yes you are partially correct. Her big complaint was that I had deferred a great deal of responsibility to her since she was the primary breadwinner and highly organized. So really step one for me was accepting responsibility and being the family patriarch. I view that primarily as a mental and attitude change. That happened back in the later winter. For me I was amazed how much better I felt, I had avoided the roll of family patriarch for a long time. I finally realized that's one reason I was so unhappy.
Step two as I see it was to get a great job that I was excited about, was a good fit for me and provided the pay that would allow me to be financially responsible. I make about 10% more with this new job which is great. She still makes 2x of me but this is where attitude comes into play. I'm not looking to her paycheck to solve problems or provide financially for us. I expect my paycheck to do that.
Now the big challenge for me, once again I am ready to get going here, to get to work doing as the family patriarch. Of course she's not there yet. Argh!!!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
A bit of morning journaling. Once again not a lot of sleep last night as thoughts about the situation dominated my mind. I did pretty well until the dog woke me up at 3. After that I couldn't go back to sleep the mind was on. Grr....
My wife will be back this afternoon and the girls and I will pick her up at the airport. We plan on having dinner together this evening with me cooking. A gesture on my part for sure but we seem to agree that we all enjoy the time together at dinner on Sundays.
She and I talked last night and she chatted away about her day in London. She went to see two shows and told me all about them and her day. I admit I love when she tells me all about her day, it speaks my love language of Quality Conversation which is a dialect of Quality Time. Interestingly her secondary language is QT as well.
I'm now reading the 5 languages of Apology and it's enlightening as well. I decided to put some of my learnings there into practice. I've been extremely enthusiastic this week about the job. She's been very supportive too. Combined I really got, without realizing it, a bit pushy about us mainly by being a bit to affectionate with words. Yes I dropped the ILY and even mentioned the future together. This I think pushed her a bit and it started to show.
So last night I acknowledged that I had gotten a bit too enthusiastic and apologize to her about it and how I figured it probably made her uncomfortable. She really appreciated the apology. I also thanked her for her support and encouragement this week with my interviews. Lastly I told her that I really felt we finally had gotten past a hurdle in trying to be friends again. I now feel like we are friends and I have my best friend back. She agreed and said it was nice to hear me say that.
She's still got a pretty good wall still up and I don't know if it'll ever come down. But I do know, the more positive I am the softer the mortar gets between those bricks. I plan on following a bit of kidsaver's lead and let go even further and be more and more independent. I've got a lease to sign on a great apartment and hope to move in within a couple of weeks. Just the thought of that kind of independence feels good!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Well I went this morning for a comprehensive physical. My doctor was adamant that I get one. I didn't put up much of a fight on it either.
One thing I know is I need to do something about my weight. I'm 5-9 and 215 lbs. I was down to 195 this past winter and while we were living in the UK I was typically around 205. I lost nearly 20 lbs in the 2 years we lived there but the weight has been slowly coming back on since we moved back last December.
So the physical went well and my doctor concluded I was in pretty good shape. The problem area is blood pressure. They measured several times and it consistently was 130 to 140 over 100. That lower number has been rising this year and that's troubling. So my doctor pressed me about weight and exercise.
This all brings me to changes in me physically. I've not really made any because I have focused so much on the emotional and mental changes. After today that's going to change. I want to be here for the long haul not only for myself but my wife and my children. So beginning today I will restart my walking program. It helped me shed an additional 10 lbs last winter and I know if I stick with it it'll do wonders again. Second is changing my diet. I've fallen somewhat off the bandwagon here and need to get back on it.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Hey, man. It’s been a while. If you’ve been watching the news, there is very little coming out Iraq, because we’re being very successful. Noting to report here, so they move on to Alec Baldwin and other blowhards from Hollywood!
Anyhow, Here’s one thing that I KNOW works, and that’s exercise. 5’9, 215, 140/100…not good. When I was at my worst, exercise always picked me up. If you haven’t exercised, it’s tough to start, but one you make it a lifestyle, it pays off. This can be a 180 of gigantic proportions if you physically make yourself over, because it really helps emotionally. Dropping about 60 pounds would be great for your image, and would have to make your wife think that you really have taken charge of your life. Start by walking, if nothing else. It really makes those endorphins flood your body, and puts you in such a better place. Secondly, it’s great to relieve stress, and you are under tremendous stress right now.
Enough of that. It’s a grind, my friend. I’ve only recently concluded that it’s over. It may be harder when I get home and actually have to face it, but I believed that my W. has turned a switch, that can never be turned back on. She is the most calcified person I know or have ever known.
If you can turn that corner, everything else becomes a bit easier. I may think I’m there, but who knows? When my D17 told me that “mom still wants a divorce”, that threw cold water on me. I have to accept it, anything else is gravy. I hope you can get there, but really, take charge of your diastolic, systolic and waist line. Looking in the mirror, you’ll feel a lot better about yourself, and your W. can’t help but notice as well. A huge, unpredicted 180.
I got here and I was in pretty good shape, except I had been drinking too much beer. With no beer here, and working out daily, I look at my face and can see the weight distribution. I really like the way I look without the beer bloat (but I also love beer!) Stick with protein, lose the carbs! This one I DO know!
Well we soldier on in our situation. Over the past week the transmission in her car has slowly gone bad. The estimates are in the thousands because it has to be replaced and can't be rebuilt. I've helped her along without expectations, just being nice and its reaped some benefits. Bottom line, the used car I bought her last year before we moved back the the US is going to get replaced. This whole situation is weighing on her especially the financial aspects of it. She's feeling the pressure and appreciated all my help this week and has expressed so several times.
Friday we met for lunch and I finally told her about me getting an apartment. But I did so with a twist, I brought up something I felt it was time to say. In a nutshell I said, there are a thousand reasons for us to work on us from emotional to practical. From a practical standpoint me spending money on an apartment while she starts to struggle financially isn't smart. We both have expressed a desire to work on our relationship so lets get serious about it.
This jolted her a bit and she knew I was right. She ended up telling me to not spend the money on an apartment right now and she thought I was right. Yet she isn't sure what we should do and wants to take it slow and still work on friendship. She still has reservations that my changes aren't permanent which I acknowledged and said, well keep watching. But she does like what she sees. I told her I thought it'd be a good idea is we first spend more time together rather than just talking every day. She was hesitant but I suspect will come around on that idea.
So her first act from this was to ask me to go with her that evening car shopping. We had a good time, well as good a time as can be had while car shopping, talked about cars and even us a bit. Joked about our differences me being a talker and her quiet and how we are both learning to understand the other better.
Admittedly this was rather pushy on my part but we've been playing on this plateau a bit too long and it's time once again to take a good step up.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
