now we are struggling with the imbalance that DBing can cause. if you've been the one taking the blame for everything in order to save your marriage, after enough time, the other person is bound to buy into your screwing the whole thing up, even though it ALWAYS takes two to get into this spot.
It's good you mentioned this, because I think it is an issue that holds the potential for tripping up a lot of folks. While my situation isn't such that it's an issue (we've never gotten to that point), I have often considered this aspect and wondered how one gets beyond it.
As you quite correctly state, after some time has passed and the pattern of "It's all your fault" has become established, it begins to take on the aspect of a self-fulfilling prophecy. The person assigning blame may begin to actually convince themselves of their complete "innocence" and the person to whom blame is assigned may begin to feel that it is warranted (a kind of marital Stockholm syndrome, as it were). In that kind of scenario, the question becomes, "How can we move beyond this successfully?"
But perhaps even more important, I wonder how many injured people (victim of WAS, EA/PA, etc.) don't have the heart to really try and put things back together because all they see...and I think it's a legitimate concern...is a lifetime of taking all the blame and responsibility, biting their tongue, and having to, in general, just sit there and "take it".
While that is often what has to happen in the beginning, you can't rebuild a relationship on it over the long haul and I think for many, the question becomes, "When does the blame game stop?" I don't believe most folks know either how the transition works (I know I don't) or when/if it comes and it doesn't seem to be talked about much in these forums (maybe in "Piecing...." and I've missed it).
I'll be looking forward to your updates and any light you can shed on this important aspect of reconciliation.
