Yeah, I've been a little low on details of late. Just sort of living, working, no big R or OW talks.
H is busy planning my birthday party. I'm trying to stay out of it as much as possible.
But yesterday H was on line downloading more tunes (how many do we have already??? ) and I started with wiping the dust off of the leaves of my plant in the bathroom (kind of a Hoia plant I think). While doing so I thought: H probably wouldn't think of something like this (in cleaning for the party).
And from there I noticed that some of my hair colour came off on my bathroom towel...so I threw in a load of towels. And since they were gone and it hadn't been cleaned in 9 days, I went ahead and cleaned the bathroom too.
Oh, yeah, H's sis was to put "red" highlights in my hair (my natural colour is dark brown, but I'd had blondish highlights that were crowding out my natural dark). But, well it rather turned out looking ALL very bright red/burgundy. H's first comment: "Wow that's really red, it'll take some getting used to!"
Anyway, back to the cleaning. I wasn't in a bad mood or anything, just wanted to DO something. H asked if I was almost done a few times. If I wanted some wine. I said yes (after pruning another one of my plants and then vacuuming up the mess ).
H suggested we play a game before dinner. I agreed and we dragged out the scrabble board. Now understand that it is usually me suggesting a game, and H not being too interested.
Mid way through (he won, but it was a close game...my prize word: "devilry" )he said, playfully, that he asked me to play the game because he sensed that I'd go on a cleaning binge otherwise.
I thought that was a creative solution! Told him so.
Dinner was great...no gourmet cooking this time, but homemade perogies and cabbage rolls from a local Polish Hall. (Do you folks in the southern states have real euro-style perogies??? Those frozen "Chimo" things don't even come close).
H put on some music afterwards and we sat on the couch together. Actually he sat up, I laid down with my legs over his lap. He played air guitar on them.
Sounds great, right? So why then just a short while later were there tears running down my face?
H kept getting up to pick the next song on the computer. He noticed I was a bit less "up" than I usually am on these QT evenings. He asked what was wrong, and I truthfully told him that I was a bit tired.
He wound up sitting across the room, and I said, Hey you don't need to sit way over there. (Meaning I may be tired, but I'm not ready to sleep! ). He said he had a kink in his neck.
I don't know why, but this just sounded like X number of other times when little aches and pains were the reason he didn't want to be intimate with me.
Then I thought about the fact that we haven't been sexual since before bomb #3 (February). I had this overwhelming sadness wash over me. The feeling that I might never be loved the way I need to be loved in this M.
H turned on the T.V. and was sleeping shortly thereafter. I went into the back room, too disheartened to even bb!
But wisely, I decided to pick up "Sex Starved Marriage".
Very good stuff there. So hard in my sitch (glad to know I'm not alone), where the woman is the one with the higher sex drive. It just seems so ironic! H could be with one of thousands of women for whom making love is at the bottom of the priority list, and I could be with the majority of men who find physical love to be a priority.
But no, we're with each other.
Michelle describes very well the pattern of our early days. I awoke H's sexuality, his testosterone surged. I've always known this: his hair receded dramatically, he grew hair on his chest!!! ....but then somewhere after the first year things cooled off. As they always do. His hairline is pretty much where it was then!
I expected some drop off. H, I suppose, didn't. I remember him saying to me in the early days (of 2-3 times a day! ) that "it would always be like this..." And my thought was "no it won't! it never is!".
I think when his desire dropped, he assumed that it was something wrong in our M. That he wasn't attracted to me.
And Michelle writes accurately about how it feels to be the "rejected" S, and how becoming critical and such is part of the scenario. One then feeds the other.
God I just hope he reads that book and we can get this on track.
) and I started with wiping the dust off of the leaves of my plant in the bathroom (kind of a Hoia plant I think). While doing so I thought: H probably wouldn't think of something like this (in cleaning for the party). 
)he said, playfully, that he asked me to play the game because he sensed that I'd go on a cleaning binge otherwise.
Told him so.
). He said he had a kink in his neck.
) that "it would always be like this..." And my thought was "no it won't! it never is!".
