Quote:
...You have to let her make the mistakes and see things on her own. Hopefully eventually she'll realize what a scumbag OM is. And at the same time she sees that you've been there the whole time and how much better you are.

DaveJ,

I believe every word you wrote. The hard part is putting your advice into practice. I know that it would be wiser to keep all my commentary to myself regarding OM. I also know that I'm not married to my XW, so I have no rights whatsoever to pass judgment on whoever she decides to "date".

Her choice of my potential "replacement" is insulting and repugnant to me. So, maybe it's as much my own pride as it is my legitimate concern for XW's and our kids' fate that becomes too much for me to keep silent about.

The other thing that I'm struggling with at this point is taking to heart some of the other advice I'm receiving. Specifically, I have been told that I should never say, "No one will ever love (or accept or appreciate, etc.) you like I do." Nor should I allow myself to believe for a second that I might actually be the "best person for her". I have great respect for the wisdom of the folks who tell me these things, but I guess I'm not "mature" enough or haven't suffered long enough yet to accept those statements at face value. [I'll confess something here that probably was a big mistake (although it felt like the "thing to do at the time"): I have told my wife--in no uncertain terms--that I love her unconditionally--meaning that I will always love her, even if she spends the remainder of her life without me.]

I'll grant that, out of the entire male population of the Southeastern U.S. (which seems to be her "extended hunting ground"), there's bound to be someone out there who might accept, love, and understand my XW--given a significant investment of time, thick skin, and a tolerance for wide mood swings. But, even if she somehow managed to find that one-in-a-million guy, how could he be "the right man for her" or a "better mate" than I am? After all, he would presumably bring along his own baggage, accumulated over the past 40+ years--including ex-wiv(es), children, step-children, religious beliefs (or lack thereof), possible health problems, addictions, criminal records, etc.

On the other hand, my XW and I already have all the right things in common--without the "baggage". More importantly, we have our children in common! Despite my temptations, I don't say a single derogatory word to my kids about any man she dates; I don't have to. Both my kids are perceptive enough--and still very emotionally vulnerable--to tell me that they want to live with me. (That's not my idea; I don't even have enough room for them both in my current apartment.) Can it be that each of them is also unimpressed with Mom's new boyfriends?

So, the reason I'm failing to make much progress toward my goal of attracting my XW's romantic interests is because I'm too egotistical and/or concerned about my XW and/or my children's fate to refrain from making "diplomatically" judgmental suggestions &/or comments. As I posted earlier, I at least have learned not to instigate these conversations. But even when she brings up the topic of OM, I'm too close to the situation to keep quiet. [Although it's the wrong thing to do, I'm afraid that my kids might suffer needlessly--just as my XW did--because of a foolish, "rebound" emotional decision.]

Help! How do I force myself to keep my yap shut?!


A successful man earns more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who marries such a man.Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.