She has not sought help for the rape. Given the rape and past promiscuity plus her lack of desire, she clearly has some baggage. She prefers to pretend she doesn't, and continue living her life this way. We have never had any kind of counselling. Given that I have given up on us having a real relationship, I'm not interested in therapy. What's the point, at this point?
Here's one of my past posts on why I think therapy (with the RIGHT therapist, and this may not be the first one you visit) can help anyone.
Originally Posted By: Lil
Some people look at counseling as a medical model: "I'm sick and I need to get treated/cured by someone who has been to school and has answers that I don't."
I don't subscribe to this.
Others look at counseling as an education/teaching model: "The therapist teaches me things I don't know, the way I know stuff when I leave a math class that I didn't know when I walked in."
This is a little better, but still not on the mark IMHO.
I prefer the coach model: "I know where I want to be, but I need someone's help to see what I'm doing that's keeping me from where I want to be."
To me the coach model is SO much more useful and representative of what therapy is. It puts you on a par with the professional whom you hire to help you hone some skills. Golfers take lessons from a pro all their lives, so do other athletes, dancers, and musicians.
No one thinks there's anything wrong with a professional dancer who attends a class every week of her life. They just assume she is practicing, getting help polishing her skills, getting feedback from an outsider. There's no stigma attached to being coached.
Not that there's NO medical element or no educational element, but mostly it's a question of helping you do something you do know how to do but just can't seem to do on a regular basis.
People sometimes think, "Well, this situation sucks, so how can a therapist make it better?"
The reason therapy/counseling/talking/posting here helps is because your pain isn't coming specifically from your circumstances, it's coming from your FEELINGS. Nothing wrong with that. Counseling helps you with your feelings. It does not change your circumstances, but it can change your feelings, and this in turn may enable you to ACT in ways that will change your circumstances.
Carl Rogers, the great psychologist, said that in therapy, "a person talks to himself through the medium of another mind."
If you feel really stuck and defeated right now, I suggest you give it a try. A therapist is not going to talk you into anything, or judge you, or make you feel bad. This is a person who will be totally on your side, someone you can tell anything to, but has no stake or investment in what you ultimately DO. Like a loving but disinterested parent. The therapist won't convince you to stay in the marriage and make the best of it. S/he also won't convince you to bail. S/he won't convince you of anything-- just help you sort yourself out.
Your W needs some help re the rape, but if she can't see it yet... there's not much you can do. Dragging someone to therapy against their will rarely works.
