LWB, I like what you said about us being fence sitters, too! Sometimes I feel like I'm clinging, not sitting!!
LO, Great to hear from you!
I told H about my nomination last night ... and that I was nominated for respect. Told him I was really proud of that, especially since I was nominated by co-workers. He was happy for me, said congrats, and told me it was something to be proud of!
(Plus it comes with a nice little bonus... I think I'll tuck that away for little getaway weekend (Retrouvaille?) if the chance comes our way.)
That is such a nice thought, that you would use your bonus to improve your marriage with a Retrouvaille weekend. I think most people would think of something they could buy for themselves. You are right. A Retrouvaille weekend would be a great investment.
Thanks for posting on my situation. It's kind of you.
I read your whole thread.
It seems like all you have to do is let the OW dig her own grave.
State your boundaries to your husband, but don't punish him, keep the road home smooth.
Now...what attracts him to her? ROOT and Sara pointed it out well. She brings out his "bad-boy" side. She's wild, unpredictable, trashy, dangerous, but certainly passionate. I think, as you pointed out, you represent all that's good, true, stable, responsible, caring and respectable in in a woman. But, as you noted, you weren't interested in sex. It seems like the good old madonna/whore psychological complex.
For quite some time, he respected you, but felt more "alive" with her. She's desperate and pathetic. But people like that, who have nothing to lose, can be quite interesting at times.
On a personal level, I seceretly admire the recklessness and passion of people who feel they can take what they want and not care who they hurt.
I, too, am the nice, stable, caring, sweet, boring guy. My wife went aftera man who was very sensuous, charismatic, warm, passionate, a rule-breaker and as you guessed very un-employed. She went for the bad-boy.
Maybe, Joie, you are not soo sweet and nice. The paradigm I'm thinking of is strength and power without malice. In the Chronicles of Narnia, when Lucy heard about Aslan, the lion. She asked if he was safe. The beaver responded, "Heavens, no!" He's a lion, of course he's not safe. But he's good."
Ah, the wise Theoden!! I have read your post many times, even printed it out to read it! You are right in so many ways. If I didn't know better, I'd swear you have been living in my house, if not my head!
It's true OW is digging her own grave. I believe she has about covered herself up.
I like your advice of stating boundaries, not punishing my H but keeping the road home smooth. That's what I've been trying to do. At times I've wondered why I was doing that. But I know I contributed to our problems so there is my reason why.
As far as what attracts him to her. I can see the madonna/whore psychological complex. I also know there was emotional attachment for him as well. Not sure it wasn't the emotional aspect for him as much as the bringing out the bad boy side, but see your point.
As far as me not being so nice and sweet? Hmmm... strength and power without malice. Hadn't thought of it that way before. I can't decide if you're trying to tell me I have more power than I think I do or if I'm not so nice and sweet! But I like the paradigm you used. Coincidentally, I just saw that movie a couple of weeks ago (read the book many moons ago) and remember that line. At any rate, it sounds like me. This is one of the things I like about this board and everyone on it, they help you take a good look at yourself.
BTW, I like your DB name. I am a huge LOTR fan. The wise King Theoden ... he prepared himself for the worst but did not lose courage!
Joie, I'm a newbie but I have a fence sitter too. Your thread is the first I read. It helped me alot and sounds familiar. It won't be long before your HW does herself in. She's gotta be more trouble than she's worth! I'll be thinkng about you.
Hi, Bizy! I saw your first post but need to take time to read it. Your thread name certainly caught my eye! Welcome... although to welcome someone here is something of an oxymoron, huh?! You'll find good support from lots of people.
What I am saying is that the call on your life right now is not to be "nice and sweet". Nice and sweet are social conventions, they are, in a word, boring.
You are, however, called to be strong, good, self-confident, kind, brave, resourceful, passionate, dangerous...maybe even wild.
Stating your boundaries means you respect yourself and expect that from him. By the way -- that's attractive. People don't really want doormats for spouses.
In addition to that, you are to be strong, sexy, unpredictable, self-confident and passionate. That's that's attractive, too.
He was attracted to her sexuality because that was missing in your marriage. But the sexualty, danger, wildness and passsion also are emotional pulls. Bringing out his bad boy is an emotional pull, because he sees himself as different, new and exciting as reflected in her desire for him. It's not what the other person, is, per say, it's how they make you feel about yourself.
A proper, successful, hard-working, stable, nice, sweet, responsible but emotionally distant and non-sexual wife will make him feel stifled, suffocated and un-alive.
Good does need to equal boring.
So let's look at some examples.
This woman is Judas; you be Christ.
This woman is Loki (the trickster); you be Thor.
This woman is a Ninja; you be a Samurai.
This woman is a Terrorist; you be a Green Beret.
This woman is Medusa; you be Aphrodite.
This woman is Catwoman; you be Batgirl.
This woman is Mary Queen of Scots; you be Queen Elizabeth
This woman is Dracula; you be Van Helsing
This woman is the Ice Queen; you be Aslan
This woman is Saruman; you be Gandalf or Galadriel.
You get the point. None of these good and noble characters was nice, safe, or sweet, they were, however, forces to be reckoned with.
So what can you do, what hobbies or activities can you take up that will help you live out your call to adventure?
