I've been overweight my entire life, and if that describes you, you know how that can overshadow absolutely everything. Anyway, I was a virgin at age ~23 when I started to go out with my wife. I was just stunned that she wanted to be with me, I think that was probably 50% of the reason why I fell in love with her in the first place. I am intelligent, knowledgeable with a good vocabulary and sense of humor.
Some background on her:
She was raped as a young teenager, and spent several years after being very promiscuous, and dating mostly jerks. I guess she finally decided she wanted to settle down and be with a nice guy, so she picked me.
The story on us:
In the beginning, there was sex, and it was good. Literally within months, things started to go sour. She started spurning my advances, and stopped initiating. What used to be several times a week turned into several times a month very quickly. Emotionally, I was too immature to speak up about it, I just kind of kept my unhappiness to myself. Meanwhile, as I am a very romantic kind of guy, I would send her flowers for no reason, big extravaganzas at birthdays, I even flew to meet her at an airport where she was connecting on a flight home.
It wasn't long before the sex dwindled to monthly, if I was lucky. I was upset because I couldn't reconcile the fact that she seemed to love sex with jerks, but the one nice guy who treats her like a queen gets nothing. We moved pretty far away, and things started to get even worse. Months would go by with nothing. When I asked her about it, she said that she was just too stressed about things (money, job, color of the sky, whatever) to be in the mood. I quickly learned to stop asking, who needs that kind of constant rejection?
Then she decided we should have kids. Yay! Our sex life exploded - to once a month. She got pregnant very quickly, and the instant that happened, that was it for the monthly effort. After he was born, you can guess what happened to our sex life. Maybe twice a year. For a few years. Then she starts asking about having a second kid. This would really piss me off, because although I wanted another kid as well, there were 2 problems. 1) Unless your first name is Mary and your husband is Joseph, it just can't be done with no sex 2) I knew that having another kid would be the final nail in the coffin of our almost dead sex life. I asked her how she planned to do this on no sex, and she said that we would just have to find a way to do it more. As if the reason for our no sex was scheduling conflicts or something. I also took this to be a big slap in the face; she won't have sex when I need it, but when she needs it she'll find a way. Finally I caved and we returned to marathon sex - once a month. This was an even bigger slap in the face - you're trying to have a kid, but the most you can stomach to be with me is once a month? And it was always initiated by her, with the huge turn-on phrase: "let's make a baby". After he was born, (again very quickly) and the sex again died all together, I finally lost it. There was a bunch of incidents that happened, too many to list, and I wrote her a letter. I said how upset I was, how I had fantasized about leaving or having an affair, but if my own wife wouldn't sleep with me, who the hell else would? I went out and bought SSM, read it in one sitting, and I couldn't believe how accurate it was. It was comforting to know that I wasn't alone. I gave her the book, about a year ago, and so far she has read exactly 24 pages. On the plus side, as a result of the letter I did get some "duty" sex, about 2x a month at best. Never any real fun, just me doing all the work and no real passion from her.
I should also explain another side of me, I am very romantic. I love to spoil my wife, random phone calls during the day to say hi, flowers for no reason, big productions at birthdays, etc. She seemed to really appreciate this at the beginning, but as time went on and our sex life died, I would cling to these things, with the hopes that "if I just get her all these presents and really show how I feel, she'll respond". Nope. Never. Our sex life just got worse and worse, I never got any sex on gift giving occasions. I should also say that not once has my wife ever done anything like this for me. Never a birthday party, hardly ever buying presents; although I do seem to recall a birthday BJ, once.
If you put those elements together (no desire to be with me sexually plus not wanting to do anything for me on gift-giving occasions), you can see why I feel that my wife just has no passion for me. And really hasn't for a long time. She says she loves me, and I suppose she does, but really this is just a business arrangement for the purpose of raising children and running a household.
Here's where we are now:
I have recently lost ~130 pounds. I am in the best shape ever, and skinnier than my wife has ever known me. We now have our "duty" sex about once a month, usually initiated by her with the very hot come-on "wanna fool around?". I do all the work and it really is no different that masturbating at this point, just a lot more work. I'm actually starting to dread it, because it is a poor substitute for what I really want. I don't want to have passionless sex because my wife feels she has to. I have come to accept that my wife simply can not and never will give me what I need, and that this is what I'm stuck with.
As for the gift-giving and romantic gestures? I'm so over that now. I'm tired of pursuing her to no avail, and especially tired of not seeing any effort on her part.
I should also mention that I get almost physically ill when I read about HD women. The thought that I could be with a woman like that really is too much to bear. Having said that, there is a part of me that knows I must have done something (and continue to do something) that killed the sex drive in my wife. I must be so repulsive, I'm sure I would have the same effect on any woman.
I have really enjoyed coming to these boards. I get a lot of comfort in knowing that I'm not alone, and reading the wisdom of others in the same situation. I finally had to register and speak up when an HD guy was wondering about his LD fiancee who didn't think there was a problem. I had to stop him from making the same mistake(s) I did. The thread can be found under the SSM board, called "sex-starved fiancee".
Thanks for letting me vent and I can't wait to hear what people have to say.