I wonder if anyone understands MLC. I went back and forth with it, wondering if it was a cop out and and a way for me to absolve myself of any blame for the demise of my marriage. Just because someone leaves and/or has an affair doesn't mean that person has MLC. Some of us deserve to be left. Maybe I'm one of those. But Jim Conway has studied this for a long time and is convinced there is a form of mental illness called Mid Life Crisis, as opposed to a normal Mid Life Transition that many people make without too much trouble. The MLCer suddenly and inexplicably changes (sudden to US, anyway) and becomes totally opposite of the person we married. They seem to think that dumping us will solve whatever problems they have. One day you think things are ok, the next day they want a divorce. My W filed as fast as she could, and has done nothing since. That was July of '06. We (attorney and I) have even politely asked her to do something, and she just ignores us. I'm told this is normal MLC behavior. Par for the course. They are confused and don't know what they want. They think the solution is external, but it is internal. The maddening thing about this is that there is NOTHING you can do about it, except not make it worse. This is why we back off of the MLCer and concentrate on changing whatever we have done to damage the marriage. Their anger and blame is focused on us. They, in their minds, have done nothing wrong. ( What little my W DID say was, "I'm sorry for whatever I might have done..." She did plenty, but it seemed to slip her mind.)
SO...we back off, stop pursuing, stop engaging in ANY behavior that will cause them to focus on us, the idea being that they will then be forced to focus on themselves. This introspection will hopefully lead them to proper answers and put them back on the road to normalcy.
Rather than repeat things that are already on the board, let me direct you to the Midlife Crisis forum and Smurf's resources. There is also a website called the FortySixty Forum. Also, try Jim Conway's books available on http://www.midlife.com. There is also a Midlife Chat Room that I frequent where much valuable information is available. That's also available on the website.
This is a tough battle and a long road. Only you can decide if it's worth it.
God bless you,
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
Thanks David-I truly wonder if anyone understands MLC as well. I do know that I have seen many of my family members go through crisis' over the years...in a variety of relationships...not just marital but parental as well. I do believe that it is a mental illness of sorts. The only thing that seems to have helped them all heal is time and space.
I was just wondering about the Friday remark...what is that in reference to?
"I've read, the MLC'er will "awaken" one day. Someone put it as, Wednesday the person woke up and questioned everything in their life. Thursday the person went through the period of questioning, deep depression, and emotional turmoil. Friday the person wakes up and says "Oh no, what have I been doing?". Unfortunately, there is no specific length of time for Thursday."
I'm waiting for Friday.
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
