My H and I were best friends as well...I was recovering from the loss of a 3 yr relationship, and H had been recently dumped as well. It's hard to believe we would cause each other so much hurt and pain, but going deeper than that, I am beginning to see we do have a lifetime connection.
RHW, I hope we are both headed towards calmer seas.
RJ, me too! I think we both "got it" and at least have the basics down. That in itself is progress.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Well, things are getting back to normal, whatever "normal" is. My mom has been staying w/ us to help w/ the boys since my surgery and she has finally "moved back" home. It was definitely time. I was starting to feel like the child again and not the head of my household/children.
Things are still going well w/ H. He is constantly telling me how much he loves me and misses us. He cannot wait to get home for his month leave.
Sometimes I have worries/doubts crop into my mind about whether this is just kind of surreal as he hasn't been home here since we began "piecing." We were only kind of ok for about a month before he left. We did have my visit over there and things were really good. We were very much in love and held hands everywhere we went, however, like I said, sometimes I wonder if it's all going to change once he gets home and we get back to "real life."
I know I can't think this way and just have to keep a positive attitude.
I also can tell you all that the trust issues/OW thing is a long time in healing. I don't honestly know if that stuff will ever completely go away. The doubts & wondering if he's messing around again. Logically, I know that he doesn't have any reason to cheat again and that he knows that he can't do that again if he wants to keep our family together, however, what is logical about our sitches, right?
I guess part of me just thinks that, since he's done it so many times before, it would be easier for him to do again than it would be for most people.
I'm trying to read more "self-help" books to make sure I have all the "ammunition" I can have to make sure our M stays good in the long run. There's one book called "His Needs, Her Needs w/ Children" and I am planning on actually reading it. I got it a long time ago, but I'm not real good about reading nonfiction and don't really have time either. I also finally got the SSM book, just to get more of an inside look at what was happening w/ H when I was starving him of S. That's not happening anymore, however, I figured it certainly can't hurt to get more of an understanding as to maybe WHY I felt the way I did back when I truly had no desire for S w/ H.
The boys and I are doing really well. I'm going to start working on getting ME back again since my surgery and the change in my attitude surrounding myself, etc. I had been feeling so very strong and independent up until the surgery & then was needing to depend on my parents so much, I feel as if I've lost that again and started feeling pretty depressed again.
Last edited by RedHeadWife; 11/17/0702:23 PM.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I also can tell you all that the trust issues/OW thing is a long time in healing. I don't honestly know if that stuff will ever completely go away. The doubts & wondering if he's messing around again. Logically, I know that he doesn't have any reason to cheat again and that he knows that he can't do that again if he wants to keep our family together, however, what is logical about our sitches, right?
Girl, I don't know if this stuff ever does completely go away either. Quite a bit different situation than yours..but my husband was like you in his first marriage. His ex-wife is the one that cheated on him..I can only imagine how he must have felt and you as well.
I've given him no reasons to NOT trust me but yet it is so hard for him to completely give out that trust again. It's like it is always in the back of his mind, no matter how much he wants to give it up..the trust issue keeps coming back to haunt us.
It's hard on both sides. I'm sure your husband wants to earn your trust just as much as I want to earn IC's. And then I see your's and IC's side and see how hard it is for you both to let go of these issues. Hugs to you both and hang in there
I am so impressed with your positive attitude and the list of things you are doing to make sure your end of the M is improving. I chuckled a little when you said you had a hard time with non-fiction. Me too...I think I've actually finished more non-fiction in the last year and a half than I did in my entire life up to that point, including school It feels so empowering to gain knowledge that can be put to use to better myself.
I identify with your worry that if H has been unfaithful multiple times before, the odds of him slipping again increase. I think when it comes to that, we have to realize we've done the best we can and decide if we can work with that weakness in them or not. Temptation will come again, I fear. But hopefully our efforts now and going forward will give them something to hang on to and strength to overcome. If not, we can know we gave it everything we could.
I identify with your worry that if H has been unfaithful multiple times before, the odds of him slipping again increase.
I'm still new here, but my life experiences include knowing other guys, esp in the military. Just my 2 cents.
I never even looked at another woman until my marriage started falling apart. (not beating my drum, that's just me.) Even then, I just looked, not even sniffed.
Anyway, if a man is getting what he needs at home, he won't go looking for it somewhere else.
Seriously. I'm sorry that we're so shallow, but it's the truth. (For most of us anyway.) All other major problems aside, (money, violence, nutty behavior, etc.) that's what men need to make them feel part of the marriage. Yep, we're that shallow. If that is taken care of, then men feel connected and focus on things like communicating, sharing, and R building.
Most men anyway. MLCers excepted. MLCers are CRAZY....
I wish they were crazy in a fun way.
S3x isn't the only thing men want in in a marriage, but it is often the first thing.
I read somewhere...
Men need s3x to feel connected, women need to feel connected to want to have s3x.
Who gives first?
Your husband is soooo lucky to have you waiting for him.
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
Well, I guess due to the drama of the D sitch & thinking I was losing my H, my drive went way over the top & I realized how much came along w/ the S, the closeness, intimacy, etc. Even though I know my drive won't be like that all the time, I do not plan to let us go in that area and I feel that, no S isn't everything in an M, but it does lead to good feelings that then carry over into every aspect of the M.
He keeps asking me where I want to go for our "date" when he's home. I can't wait for him to get the info I sent him on the B&B. That'll be a really GOOD date. Plus, it was only $95/night which we'll probably end up spending what we would to go to dinner/movies, etc. anyway!!!
It's funny b/c I can remember before he left wondering what it was going to be like after he was gone; now I sit here & wonder what it's going to be like w/ him home.
It still bothers me in the back of my mind that he will be working w/ OW again once he gets back, but I need to just let that go. To me, it doesn't make a HUGE difference that she's married now. If she was willing to "mess around" w/ a married man w/ 3 little boys, you know . . . but I know I need to let that go. She's not worth my time.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I hope I didn't sound like that. If I did, I apologize. Really big apology. I was just trying to make a comment on how much it motivates men.
It sounds crazy in mixed company, I know, but if you could hear men talking over happy hour, that's what drives their vision of their relationships.
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but it does lead to good feelings that then carry over into every aspect of the M.
RHW, you seem to know men better than we do ourselves.
95$, what a country!
Quote:
She's not worth my time.
Forget that tramp.
She doesn't have a thing on YOU!
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
