I Belong Over Here

[RedHeadWife]

Well, things are getting back to normal, whatever "normal" is. My mom has been staying w/ us to help w/ the boys since my surgery and she has finally "moved back" home. It was definitely time. I was starting to feel like the child again and not the head of my household/children.

Things are still going well w/ H. He is constantly telling me how much he loves me and misses us. He cannot wait to get home for his month leave.

Sometimes I have worries/doubts crop into my mind about whether this is just kind of surreal as he hasn't been home here since we began "piecing." We were only kind of ok for about a month before he left. We did have my visit over there and things were really good. We were very much in love and held hands everywhere we went, however, like I said, sometimes I wonder if it's all going to change once he gets home and we get back to "real life."

I know I can't think this way and just have to keep a positive attitude.

I also can tell you all that the trust issues/OW thing is a long time in healing. I don't honestly know if that stuff will ever completely go away. The doubts & wondering if he's messing around again. Logically, I know that he doesn't have any reason to cheat again and that he knows that he can't do that again if he wants to keep our family together, however, what is logical about our sitches, right?

I guess part of me just thinks that, since he's done it so many times before, it would be easier for him to do again than it would be for most people.

I'm trying to read more "self-help" books to make sure I have all the "ammunition" I can have to make sure our M stays good in the long run. There's one book called "His Needs, Her Needs w/ Children" and I am planning on actually reading it. I got it a long time ago, but I'm not real good about reading nonfiction and don't really have time either. I also finally got the SSM book, just to get more of an inside look at what was happening w/ H when I was starving him of S. That's not happening anymore, however, I figured it certainly can't hurt to get more of an understanding as to maybe WHY I felt the way I did back when I truly had no desire for S w/ H.

The boys and I are doing really well. I'm going to start working on getting ME back again since my surgery and the change in my attitude surrounding myself, etc. I had been feeling so very strong and independent up until the surgery & then was needing to depend on my parents so much, I feel as if I've lost that again and started feeling pretty depressed again.