Hello Folks,

Before posting today's update, I'll post what I typed up in Word last night. So remember..this is yesterday's news.

This afternoon, H was on line looking up some severance package/investment info. I came in to deposit some recyclables and caught the B***F** Inn website on the screen. I pretended not to see. He’d mentioned that as a possible birthday gift. It’s am Inn just across the border in the U.S. Not sure how I feel about it.

With imminent War, the border, what would we do all day? Are we there yet? I don’t think so. I’d almost rather have some time away by myself. A Spa or something. That would be grand. Maybe I’ll research it a bit on-line. Something with meditation. I’d just like to get away from all of this for a while. And with working all summer and taking on an extra course next fall, I’m feeling a little weary.

H dropped off a couple of my jackets at the drycleaner, then had his private assessment with our C. I asked a few questions. He said she just asked about his family history, his own history with depression. Mentioned a support group he may join.

We made chicken fingers, pesto, roasted red peppers for dinner. It was going nicely until one of those moments hit me…the plot of “That 70’s show” was, you guessed it, cheating. I was getting full anyway, and contemplating not finishing what I’d piled onto my plate. H noticed I’d stopped eating and asked what was wrong. I mentioned the latter. He pressed and said “I guess you’ll tell me what’s bothering you when you’re ready”. But not in an especially nice manner.

So I said “Excuse me if I’m a little sensitive to this theme right now”. He said “I’m sorry for ruining your day”. I said “What, by turning on one of our favourite shows?” Then…(Get the 2X4’s out ) I said “You almost ruined my life, but you didn’t ruin my evening”. H said something about changing the channel, or him doing it any time something related came on. I said that that was dumb or not feasible, I mean I HAVE to deal with this, right? I can’t bury my head in the sand and hope it goes away. Run from every reference I hear or see? It’s everywhere for crying out loud!

How does he expect I would feel? Perhaps, hope against hope, that it won’t trigger bad feelings for me? So soon?

I cleared up the dishes, he just sat there. Looking stunned, hurt. Now I feel like the bad guy, he’s the one who needs assurances and comforting. Is he??????

How would that even go? I’m sorry you asked and I told you the truth, but now you’re unhappy so what can I do for you????

In the back room I brought it up for clarification. DOES he REALLY want us to share everything all the time? He said yes, because he didn’t know what I was bothered by: maybe it was that he hadn’t vacuumed the carpet, that he hadn’t asked enough ?’s of M at work, the income tax fiasco etc. etc.

I said, no, actually I thought he’d done a lot today and I was happy about that.

He said he needs to know what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it because I have a history of keeping this stuff to myself and letting it build up.…I said “And you don’t?” Just a slight tap, this time please, I recanted it immediately and apologized…although truth be told H is perhaps more guilty of that than I am….just look what he was covering up and for so many years!!!

I made an analogy: I said that some of those issues were viable, worthy of discussion, but this reaction I had at dinner…this wasn’t about anything specific, just the general horror creeping back in (at least until I asked what was in that package he sent her: two photos and a handkerchief with his cologne ). So it’s like a scab healing over which itches every now and again. Is it really good to pick at it each time????

H thought about it for a bit and somewhat to my amazement said Yes, he still wants to know when stuff like that is eating at me. I asked “Why?!” He was silent. I asked “Aren’t you torturing yourself enough?” He kept his eyes averted and said “No”.

What???? What does that mean? That he hates himself so much he WANTS to suffer more, or that he really doesn’t bother himself with it all that much and needs me to poke and prod him every now and again. Yikes! Neither one is good!

So I just sat there for a bit, digesting that, and then said in a neutral tone “Well, I need some water and a more comfortable perch”. (My neck is sore again). And I went into the living room. H sat in the back, in the dark without the T.V. on for an hour, while I flicked channels down the hall. And you know what?….I actually felt pretty good. Nice to have the room to myself. Nice to be able to flick the channels, watch some of American Idol. (H hates it, I don’t mind catching some of it).

I went into the back room at 10:00 asked if he wanted to watch Six Feet Under. (I highly recommend this show, it’s a gem) He came into the living room and was dozing off by 10:15. I watched the show, watched a lengthy promo, flicked the channels. He was snoring softly, but when I sat up to put my runners on, as per usual, he woke up. I turned the lamp off and asked if he wanted the T.V. off too. He acted like he hadn’t been asleep, actually said so. I said okay, but you usually don’t snore when you’re awake, and slid the remote over to him. (Please read the calm, neutral, tone of voice here, factual, not emotional or sarcastic).

I went to the bathroom, he got up and had a glass of water. I came in here to journal and he turned the T.V. up louder out there.

He walked past this room on his way to the back room where I joined him for a few minutes. Hope he took note that I am journaling and not bbing right now.

Although, why should it matter?? He was asleep! What is it about me that puts him to sleep like that? Is it just an escape from the misery that is being H. It’s not like this is exactly new behaviour. Now of course he’s awake out there. While I’m in here.

I think I just might try to get to sleep earlier yet for a change. Read for awhile. Pray that sleep comes easily. Had an interesting dream this morning, may just post it later for my fellow dream watchers.

Okay that's it from yesterday.

Shiny