What a good year this has been.....

[forever21]

Well, it was another challenging day. But there are positives, as usual. First and foremost that I feel hopeful, healthy, and grateful.

I did remind myself throughout the day that my needs come before H's.... to take care of numero uno. I have to say... I think I'm doing a good job at taking care of myself right now. I'm letting myself lean on my support network. I'm hopeful I can and will build that up so I'm not leaning too hard on anyone. My Mom has been very supportive and helpful. That's a huge positive for me, to be able to share and talk with her. We hung out for a few hours again tonight. I shared more still, but still not everything because I don't want her to be worrying about me. It's getting more and more comfortable to open up to her.

I had an icky experience this afternoon, but nothing terrible. And I didn't share this with my Mom. It was just more pressure from H, but it freaked me out. I ended up going to the police station, to talk with an officer. I felt threatened. I knew this wasn't something they could help me with but I hadn't felt the way I did before, my gut said something is really wrong and I could be in danger, and my friend thought I should make some sort of contact/report given the whole sitch. I understand that we can't take these situations like I'm in right now lightly, and I didn't want to ignore the advice of a friend looking out for me. The officer took my name and address so they can do drive-bys. He recommended I talk to my L and file a civil anti-harassment order if we think it will help the situation, but he reminded me that can sometimes make things worse.

This whole thing just feels wrong to me. Everyone's been saying the same thing. H acted quite crazy today. It seemed like something just snapped in him and the pressure escalated. He went from acting surprisingly nice to a whole new level of pressure and scare tactics within minutes. It's possible this is because I still won't take his calls, but I think I have to continue with that boundary for myself when he's acting like this.

His deadline that was the 24th changed again to this weekend, "maybe Monday". I'd thought he understood I'm open to negotiations once I've consulted with my attorney again, and that he just needed to wait to hear back from me. But I guess not. Is he just panicking because this is not on his terms and schedule? It looks like more than that. He says he is "not above asking for favors to get creative here. I am that desperate and this is that good of a thing for me. Still want to do it on my own and let you come out of this real good, but if you aren't willing to work with me here, I will get it done and then get my share of everything else too. Which will just be collateral for my favor to get this, but oh well..." There is so much more. I really don't understand it all but he's trying to scare me into taking this deal of his. He twice told me I have "been warned", followed with "I ain't playin", "I'm not bluffing." What is the hurry?

I see that this is likely just bullying to get what he wants and I could just treat this as poor business practice on his part, but there is more to the story that I think contributed to me feeling so threatened. Besides the fact that this isn't just "business" but a domestic issue, here are a few of the things off the top of my head... He's probably abusing drugs and alcohol. He admitted in August he was trying to "cope in a healthy way". Each month usually on the 20th he makes a large purchase at a drugstore which is likely prescription pain pills. He usually makes a liquor store purchase the same day. (oh, btw, he said last week that he isn't "really" drinking anymore) The OW (who he isn't seeing anymore either, btw) has a criminal background. And there have been some checks that have cleared our account in the last few weeks that I need to investigate. I also don't know where he is getting the money for this home purchase that he says he stands to lose if it falls through, or how much that amounts to.

Anywho, I'm at home with my doggies and feel safe for some reason.