For heaven's sake...I know what I need to do but I'm just noy getting it together when it counts!
The guy thinks I'm playing games with him! Methinks there's fair bit of projection and alien spew coming from this man.
Journalling 17/11/07
I must have doormat and victim stamped on my forehead.
Why do I permit myself to think he is going to be reasonable?
He had a crack at me while I was grocery shopping over the phone becuase I 'stormed past his new girlfriend' and wasn't nice to her in front of dd when I unexpectedly walked past her on the way to swimming lessons this morning.
FFS! It's my HUSBANDS' GIRLFRIEND!! isn't there something wrong with that? why should I give her a big sunny smile???
Besides I did not 'storm past her'. I was getting dd to swimming lessons and dd said hello to her, new girlfriend (referred to as NG from now on) didn't even look at me! I even raised my hand to say hello (don't know why!), but I didn't know quite what to do.
Very f*cking nice that my husband calls me to tell me off about something as inane as that. And in the supermarket. I'm so weak that I was crying into the chocolate display at the dairy section while on the phone.
How do I detach!?? I don't want him any more, I want him to leave me alone.
And THEN, (man I can't even remember if this was the same phone call or another one ten minutes later) he asks me what I am doing for Christmas. I told him I was thinking of going to his parents down south (cos I discussed this with MIL a few weeks ago before things got really nasty) so dd could be with him and his parents (last year h pulled out of coming interstate to spend Christmas with dd, myself adn my family because he felt ashamed of what he had done and didn't want to face my parents. Therefore I thought I was being mature by saying that we could spend Christmas together - boy am I going to regret this!). I said it depended on how he felt about that. He said he was fine with it but was letting me know that he didn't know what his new girlie was doing for Christmas and that he might take her with him to his parents place?????? I was floored. I asked if his parents were aware of this and he flipped me off. I doubt that he has told them about this or indeed if they even know that he has this new girlie. I;m hoping that they don't know and that he is just blowing smoke and that even if he does tell them that they tell him he can't bring her. I don't want to go now if she is going to be there....actually I'm not sure I can stomach going at all. It will all be for d6's sake cos I remember how much she missed her daddy last year.
What the f* is wrong with me that I am letting this guy get to me?
I want nothing to do with him any more but we have a daughter together. He is accusing me of playing games with him. Of refusing to let him take dd to the beach and then taking her myself the same day and therefore undermining him. Of 'making sure' that the camera memory is full so that he can't take photos of dd at her assembly when she was receiving an award. Of purposefully being rude to his new girlfriend when I was simply entering the sports centre when she was leaving and didn't know or have time to think about what to do.
He is projecting so bad and he can't even see it. Ducks back ducks back. Why can't I do it when he contacts me? I just can't be balanced around him, he throws me for a loop each and every time so far this week.
God I can't wait for Monday to see my new counsellor. I wish I could just stay there for a week and not come out till I can detach and be non emotional but reasonable and calm with him. Make him spin his wheels.
And to top it off...I might have to work next w/e. I was toying with the idea of asking MIL to come up and help me out but I suspect that will just make him think I'm trying to turn her against him or something way out like that.
