Lisa, yes I do have mind-boggling doubts about the last two years or so of my marriage.
In late summer of '01 my H revealed to me for the first time, his concerns about depression. I was right here for him, did some assessments, talked about it, suggested therapy and medication...I was VERY concerned. It was the first time he'd seemed to be "the vulnerable one".
But within a couple of weeks (he took St. John's Wort for a while, but that was it for treatment), he seemed back to the "old H"...easy going, happy, joky, involved with work.
Little did I know that it was at this time that he "discovered" the chat room and it was this distraction that was bouying his spirits!
By Feb of '02 he was "in love" with EA #1. He sent me a lovely e-card for Valentine's day outlining all the things he loved about me!
In March he went to see her and made the EA a PA (of sorts).
In April he planned a small birthday party for me, I had NO CLUE what was going on.
By this time OW #1 was over (they were "just friends" at this point) and OW#2 was the big love of his life. In late May '02 he met with her and turned that into a PA as well. This was much more of a love affair than OW#1.
Yet a few weeks earlier, he and I went out and bought each other sapphire rings to celebrate our 10th anniversary!!!
I must say, though, that in retrospect, I could sense something was wrong. I'd sensed something "missing" in our R for quite a while, but this was even stronger.
Yet being trusting and naive, I NEVER thought it was an A!
Summer of '02 was odd, H was working more hours than ever and I began to feel like a work widow. Of course many of those overtime hours and late nights "working" at home, as well as some of the "business" trips, were anything but Work related!
So I grew more lonely, critical, demanding. I really didn't have a clue, but I was feeding him ammunition to justify what he was doing!
I can't get over the fact that my H, whom everyone respected as a genuine stand-up guy, could have pulled off such a massive deception and for so long.
It really has shaken my trust and my view of him. I feel myself gravitating back toward full trust, and then the memories flood back and my guard goes up.
I suppose the one great thing I have learned and KNOW deep inside, is that no matter what my H does (keeps to his word, stays honest, stays with our M, or cheats, lies, leaves)...I WILL SURVIVE...and more than that, I will THRIVE!
I've found meditation practise to help a lot with this. "The power of NOW" by Echart Tolle was a life-saver for me in the early days of bomb #2.
