Well Gang I don’t think I should stretch my old thread any more.
Thought this time I’d do a decent job of my summary in Word and then copy it over. This way I’ll have it for future threads instead of starting from scratch each time….So here goes….
I’m 39 (Gotta post that since it changes in less than a month!) H is 41. (M #2 for him, #1 for me)
Married 11 years this May. Three cats, no kids (by choice).
I teach psychology at a local University, H’s job has been “restructured” so he is currently unemployed. White collar professional.
Up until Aug of ’02, I would have rated our marriage at a 7/10. Shows what I knew!
We had ups and downs, arguments, issues surrounding my sarcasm, controllingness, perfectionism, anxiety (which were much bigger than I knew). Issues with physical intimacy, with me wanting more, H offering less.
Nothing dire, or so I thought. I’d bought marriage books, mentioned counselling a couple of years ago…H didn’t seem all that interested.
Aug 23 '02 Bomb #1 ….Three weeks after I have kidney surgery H comes home from a 2 hour trip to the beer store looking distant and depressed. I press ( ) and he admits to wanting a D! Talk about 2X4, I thought he was going to say the job had finally gotten to him!
My world falls apart, I ask, he says there “is” no OW. Was there? Yes, a one time only dinner and kiss on a business trip. He thought he was in love. I am crushed, beyond hurt. All of my anger disappears under a swirling vortex of self-loathing and despair.
Aug 25 '02 took H to our doctor, we both start on antidepressants, Xanax for me as well. H takes sick leave from work. I think we’re “working on things”, I assure him that leaving his job is fine with me. H is uncertain. He loves me but…is not IN love with me, you know the drill.
Things are good/bad, up/down, VERY uncertain and odd for months. H is going out to bars without me, staying out late, I’m not sure who I’m married to anymore.
Sept '02 I buy DR and find tremendous relief in the MLC and Depression chapters. Start Dbing (which I’d been doing since the bomb without realizing it)
We start MC, (H promises to put 100% into repairing our M) which turns into private C for H. Things seemed to be going well for us, I thought his depression needed attention most. Dumb.
Nov 27th ’02 “Bomb #2” , OW calls our house. Message I hear is “H, I don’t care if Shiny hears this, are you moving here or not!”
I pick up,. H tries to hang up the phone. OW and I have a loooong talk. Seems they met on a chat line about 18 months earlier. She’s the second OW he met there. EA’s turned to PA’s in both cases. All supposed “business trips”.
He’s told her an astonishing array of lies. Here’s a small sampling: we are separated, he’s moved out, our house is for sale, I’ve cheated on him, I won’t give him sex……
She e-mails me his latest messages to her and some digital photos of herself, her kids, and the two of them together…He has a ticket to fly out there (across country), bought her a diamond ring….daggers to the heart, my head is spinning. My anger returns for the night.
H figures he’s lost us both. Next day she calls again, and they’re on again! More head spinning…Next day I talk to him, feels like a battle for good over evil, for his very soul. Something changes in him and he vows to keep his word, to no longer lie, to no longer be driven by fear, to stay in town whether our M can be salvaged or not. He tells her (with me in the room) that they shouldn’t see each other any more. I feel it is a weak ending, but take him at his word.
Dec ‘02 We see another therapist, once…a miserable, expensive waste. I pull back, give him space, start doing more things on my own. Wishing he would join me, asking him to. But made the big mistake of telling everyone what happened (he didn’t want to be seen as “true blue” when he wasn’t), making it uncomfortable for him to socialize.
Family and friends are united in supporting my decision to try to work things out. Can’t believe this behaviour of H, totally out of character, not who they thought he was.
No reassurances from H, he swears there’s been no further contact, but strange behaviour continues….long walks, (this is Canada in the winter) 2 hour “runs to the video store”. No Christmas gift for me.
Jan ’03 , we find another C. Much better. 1st session H reveals that he wants to try to work things out…I weep with relief. Much blame still rests on my past behaviours which H classifies as “abusive”, so hard to hear. I was unaware of the extent of the damage I was doing at the time. Have a much better appreciation now.
Things start looking better. STD tests clear, we resume intimacy, start talking again, start connecting. All the while, I’ve done major 180’s in a variety of areas, most notably the anger, sarcasm, “freaking out over small stuff”, anxiety is well in hand, I’m much more laid back, criticism is almost non-existent. Lots of internal and external changes I am proud of. And although H doubts it they are REAL!
Valentine’s day…lingerie and wine. Just a card from H, but a very nice evening.
Things are looking better and better….
Feb. 25th ’03 :”Bomb #3”. I wake up to another phone message (our machine is always on) from OW. This time she’s asking for our address. We talk again, she tell me that “this time” she’s breaking it off for real. And wants to send back the stuff H had sent/given to her (including family photos of his childhood).
My heart pounds, but it’s nowhere near the experience of Aug and Nov. Instead of “freaking out” and showing him the door (which H expected, and so too, probably would any sane person who doesn’t know about Dbing) I sit down and ask him to explain.
He does. Seems they were back in touch two days after their “break up” in Nov. She says he reached out to her, he says she called here while I was at work. Either way, it was back on. Since I now have the cell phone (which was my birthday gift to him), she calls while I’m at work, he uses phone cards on our fax line, or he goes out to use pay phones. And e-mail, of course.
She sends me more e-mails, including a booked (then cancelled) plane ticket, professions of deep love for her from H, more lies (me catching him packing), nick-names, sickening, hurtful words.
His rationale: Early on he tried to cut loose from her, but she insisted they maintain contact. She does appear to be very controlling and more than a bit scary. She’d moved back in with her H and 2 boys, and was still insisting on talking to my H. He finds out she’s been married 3X, has cheated before, slept with her FIL!
In late Jan, H tried to end it with her again (saying it wasn’t fair to me, or her H and kids ) but she threatened to send me e-mails. Then demanded $500. H sent it. Lied to me when I asked about the bank statement. The A continued.
H says his end was just trying to keep her quiet, hoping she’d find someone else and disappear from his life. She leaves her H and little boys again, tells my H all about the guys constantly trying to pick her up, starts dating someone.
Feb 24th ’03, my H calls her and says it HAS to end (her new boyfriend insisted she stop talking to H, but she was willing to go behind his back)…hence her call to our house the next morning.
She likely thought I’d kick him out, and he’d turn to her for solace. Clearly she knows nothing about DB!
We rejoice, celebrate having her out of our life. H is pleasantly shocked by my reaction. I hear ILY for the first time in months.
March ’03 …ups and downs, trying to “piece” this M back together. Trust issues, trying to process all of the hurt, all of the incredible details. H projects his behaviours onto me and accuses me of “flirting” on the bb, private messaging etc. (See my last thread for details)
That is sorted out now. I’ve invited him to join us. He said perhaps, but hasn’t followed up as yet. He did read Sadbuthopeful’s thread, responded there. Opened his eyes somewhat.
So How’s that?
I’m sure I left a lot out, but that’s a good summary.
I'll try to get back on later to check on some of you!!!
Love the new title! Second thread already. I'm impressed. Thanks in part to you, I finally hit 100 on mine. Bump in the road tonight. Depending on how it goes, I may move over here for the next thread.
Have a Happy St. Patty's Day!!!
Erin
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
-George Bernard Shaw
I think I'm in trouble. H was watching the pervasive imminent War stuff on T.V. (not my kettle of fish, so to speak) so I just stayed on here and caught up with lots of folks.
At 11:30 I went to join him in watching some late night shows, but all was dark and quiet on the couch (he sleeps there regularly...says the bed hurts his back).
I don't really think he was asleep, maybe just miffed that I'd abandoned him for the evening.
I wrote him a note and stuck it to the bathroom mirror:
"Good Night...(kiss lips), and Good morning. Was hoping to watch Letterman with you. Hope you're not upset that I stayed on the bb so long...maybe next time suggest a game or "something"...(heart)...S
Couldn't help but feel bad, then remembered all those endless nights when he was downstairs on his laptop chatting with OW while I wandered around up here all alone.
Still feel bad, though .
Oh well damage is done, will do better in the future.
And I forgot a MAJOR milestone in my lengthy summary...I found the bb and all you wonderful people on Dec 30th '02 .
isn't it weird that in a m, one person can feel safe and pretty happy, while the other is having a secret life?
i sometimes feel like our m was a lie for years. h had ow for 2 yrs off and on. over 6 mo was pa. i wonder how someone can keep a m going for so long while being intimate one way or the other with someone else. do you ever feel like your m was a lie for the time that your h had affairs? i am curious how to deal with this myself and you teach psych.
i am truly impressed with how forgiving you are, i need help in that department. lisa
