I haven't been around for a while - I think it's been about 5 months. Things with H are status quo - separated and seeing separate Cs and that's about it - except that I think right now the D is inevitable. I've done some reading about ACOAs and I think it might actually be the most loving thing I can do - ie: let him and our current sich go. Still, all is moot since money doesn't grow on trees and currently doesn't grow in our bank accounts! So, even if we are eventually heading to divorce, right now we can't afford such moves and are just trying to figure out how to get through the holidays with the fewest weird moments and sad times for our boys.
I thought I'd post here again, though, for another reason. Since all of this has happened with my H and me, I have had four different close women friends tell me how dissatisfied they are with their marriages. None of these marriages are abusive - at least in any way that is obvious or that is mentioned. It's more that these friends are finding the work of marriage too much, that they are wanting their own lives, that they are tired of their hs' selfish focuses, etc. None of my friends have made any overt moves -- I don't think any of their hs know they are feeling like this -- but I find myself wondering what to do.
It's not that I can speak for them or know what they are feeling, but part of me wants to say something - to tell them how painful it is to have a mate of years (all of these friends have been married at least 10 years) decide to end it. I think of how my h has said that he knows now he should have said something right away when he started to feel himself losing touch and love for me - instead of waiting two years, deciding it was dead, and moving out. I want to say to these women "get ye to a marriage counselor" or to throw books at them, or to just shake them and say "Look at the good of what you have and don't waste that!"
The other thing I have been hearing these past ten months - almost 11 - is a number of my other women friends who say that if their own marriages broke up, they wouldn't consider remarrying. Marriage to them is too much work, men are too selfish and they are doing too much to keep it all going.
I hear all of this and wonder what's UP? Why don't I feel that way? Even as I have GAL & have an increasingly wonderful career restarting this fall - to the point that I have actually thanked H for leaving since his going got me motivated to return to what I love - and I come up with plans for my future that would be fulfilling w/o H - I know that even as all of that's happening, that I still wish we could try again, I still think I'd work hard to rebuild what wasn't there, I still find myself loving this man who is hurting but also not wanting to be with me. And I know that if things go as they seem now, I wouldn't pass up the chance for another marriage, another relationship. I can stand alone, but I wouldn't want to be single to avoid marriage!
So... the point: Any insights to what, if anything, I could say to my friends who are thinking of being WAWs? Any insights to how I could understand my friends who sound like they are wearing themselves ragged to keep marriages going - to the point that they would rather be alone than try to remarry?
Queries from a quiet night with the boys gone -- A
So, even if we are eventually heading to divorce, right now we can't afford such moves and are just trying to figure out how to get through the holidays with the fewest weird moments and sad times for our boys.
- and I come up with plans for my future that would be fulfilling w/o H - I know that even as all of that's happening, that I still wish we could try again, I still think I'd work hard to rebuild what wasn't there, I still find myself loving this man who is hurting but also not wanting to be with me. And I know that if things go as they seem now, I wouldn't pass up the chance for another marriage, another relationship. I can stand alone, but I wouldn't want to be single to avoid marriage!