I will keep this as short as possible, and I already know what I am thinking that I need to keep on my pathway of development and growth to become a better man, father, and hopefully husband but:
Wednesday, off to the Mid-west for a business trip, I knew that it was going to be a heck of a day as I had a lot packed into a little bit of time. Day went ok, nothing to great but enough to give me hope that I am working on the right path for myself. I found the interview to be difficult and challenging. However, I was proud that I have made it to this point in my career that I am being considered for something so big!
Got to the airport and was suppose to fly from this city back home and then get another flight basically back to where I was. Sounds confusing, but two different companies were paying for the flights so I could not plan it as I would have liked. Last second the gate agent told me that if I wanted I could take the direct from where I was to the city that I was flying to. Yeah, save me something like 3 hours total from my day! So I took it.
Called home a few hours later to let her know that I was at my hotel for the night. That conversation was interesting because of my history I had to explain in detail how it worked out and offered to provide her some evidence of the transactions!
Well, she was VERY sick and the kids were not helping her. It broke my heart to know that I was so far from home and she was so sick. I told her a few times that I wish I could be there for her. But I had meetings on Thursday and Friday that I could not miss. We talked a little about nothing and then I let her go. Woke Friday and called to see how she was, sounds like she was not too much better but still worried about her.
Went to my meeting and decided that I had been doing this for too long, I had been putting work above my family for years and that has been part of the rift. I asked my boss for some time and explained to him how I was feeling and what was going on at home. I explained that I need to be a company man too but that at times I feel like I have given more than I have neeeded to and I would like to scale back. He was great, told me that he had been waiting on me for two years to come to that conclusion that I could not be all things to all people and that there are times when he would expect me to choose my family over my job.
He really made me feel like I was relevant. Plus he said that with all that I have done for the team and the company, there has to be some recharge time that I take. He told me to get the next flight home and that he would take care of things for me for the next two days!
So I did, ran off to the AP and got the next flight. Called W and she sounded really pleased that I was coming. I think this is some serious 180 here, I would never have done this before all of this happened. Especially when I was away for meetings that were critical to my group. Plus to do it twice in a week by leaving work for the fam, I am proud that I have gotten to that point.
Well, got home last night with a great dinner for the family. W asked if I would stay and hang out, which I did. This is where I think that I stopped DB'ing... After dinner and some TV I worked with S7 on homework and finally got both S's to bed. She was coming up and asked if I wanted to stay, I said where? She said I could sleep in the bed. I thought that I should leave at that time, but I didn't. I justified by saying to myself what if she gets sick again and needs me (big dummy hound). Well, I laid down in my work clothes, and she told me to get comfortable. Anyway, she asked me to hold her, and I did through the night. It felt so great! Nothing too intimate, just her and I in our bed holding.
In the morning I woke and took S7 to bus stop came home and climbed back into bed with W. She and I talked for the morning, she made some comments that I knew would come: I didn't feel anything with you holding me, it's just not the same. Funny, you'd think she would have had me move through the night. Anyway, we talked more this morning about it, I tried several times to leave infact at one point I said that I need to go back to where I am staying and shower. She told me to shower there.
Before I left, I asked her about the concert tonight wondering if we were still going, she of course wants to but wants me to be sure that I know that we are going as friends. Yeah, I know!
Then out of the blue she told me that she has cut things off with OM because he is too immature... I said, I too am immature and she said it is different. Oh, well does nto concern me what the differences are between he and I.
She then told me that she would take me back in a heartbeat if she knew that I could change, but what will she do in a few months when we are back to this moment of me lying and her protecting. I asked if she felt like I have been lying recently? Well, she thought of two examples from the week we broke up - nothing else NADA nat a darn thing! That made me feel like maybe I am changing that I am turing the corner. I have masked myself in lies my entire life to hide my self-esteem, my own faults.
For her to only have 2 things in over a month and both were like the first day of all of this makes me want to run for the hills in joy! And for her to slowly be changing her position on this S and potential D also gives me hope.
I may not make it to the end of this road with my wife, but man this is really an awakening. I never knew how powerful it would feel to stand up for my family at work and to tell my wife over and over again how much I will change and when the rubber meets the road...
I am still going tonight to the show with her. I am sure this is counter-intuitive to the DB lessons, but I am going to look at it like my first date with her, back when I was trying so hard to impress. Well, using a beginners mind, I am just going to enjoy her company for one night. No D talk, no talk of the future just my beautiful wife some intoxicating music and one more night with her at my side.
When I return if I have to go back to the house I have been staying, so be it. If not, that would be great too.
I trust that this journey to find my own truth will result in amazing things....
Houndfan, be VERY, VERY, CAREFUL. I am of the opinion that she is just getting started with this, she is very unsure, therefore she is not going to let go of the strings just yet. I honestly hope that this is genuine and you get back with her, but bitter experience tells me that a person who is just going through this will suck you back in as a safety net. If this is happening to you, I don't want you caught off guard and have a big let down. Good luck man!!
