I just read through your thread so I have a better idea where you are coming from. I am so sorry for all of the pain that you are going through. As I read your thread I could see so many similarities in our situations. It makes me so sad to hear you say how badly it made you feel that your wife would not kiss you romantically and that it has made you feel like you are repulsive. I know that I made my H feel the same way and to be honest, it could not have been further from the truth. I need to tell you that I am very hesitant to give anyone advice, but I do want to respond to the question you asked me, "what could your husband have done differently, before he eventually quit purusing you, to persuade you to rekindle the romance in your marriage?" For me, I wish my husband would have tried to communicate his feelings to me. Instead, he kept them all inside...like a volcano ready to explode and that is exactly what happened. By the time he reached his breaking point and told me what was going on, he had already made up his mind that he was done with me and our marriage. So he filed for divorce. It may be too late for us, only time will tell.
When I say I had no idea how unhappy he was, at the time I really didn't. (admittedly I see now how selfish & foolish I have been) Six months ago if H would have come to me and said that he was completely unhappy in our marriage and if things didn't change he was going to leave me, I would have sat up and listened. Please realize it is easy for me to say this now, but I believe that I needed to fully understand how serious the situation was and that his needs were not being met. (actually neither were mine) When he finally reached his breaking point and told me he was leaving me, I sprinted to the marriage counselor as fast as I could. I bought books and read everything I could get my hands on. I would have done it sooner if I had not been so blind to our situation. It wasn't until I read SSM that I realized how much damage had really been done. For my H, sex = love. Since there was no sex, in his eyes I obviously never loved him. We both wanted the exact same things, unfortunately we never bothered to communicate those needs to each other. For example, he hated the fact that I went to bed early because it made him lonely. I went to bed early because I felt like he wasn't listening to me and I was alone. Why didn't we talk about any of these things before??? I wish I knew. I also wish there was something that I could tell you that would change your situation or help you in some way. I'm not sure if any of this really helps or not? Did you say that your W will not go to counseling with you? If you are not going, I think you should...even if it means you have to go alone. Maybe once you start going she will change her mind?? If nothing else, it may help you get through this. Just a thought
