Still Dancin'

[Pudmuddle]

Hi GD,

It's really nice to see someone so positive even after all of the turmoil you have endured. My hat (if I had one) is off to you! It gives us all hope, either way this turns out.

Cheers,

[Gone Dancin']

Well, folks -- my STBX has just hit below the belt.

She has basically made a subtle blackmail attempt in hopes to extort money that came from my family inheritance. I lost my license back in August, and she is now threatening to state in court that I have been driving the kids around illegally. I'm going to post the email she personally sent my attorney recently, minus the names:


Mr. X (my attorney)

As I'm sure you're aware, I have been "fired" by my attorney. Ms. Y (her attorney) has not sent me copies of most of the correspondence, although I understand from her bill (which she did find time to send me), there is a pretrial conference scheduled for November 26 and a trial set for December 7. Obviously from this late date I will not be able to hire another attorney and prepare for either hearing. However, I'm willing to work with you and your client to settle this out of the courtroom to avoid both additional delay and additional fees. Please let me know what your client would propose in order to settle this case. I have requested copies of my file but I don't know how long it will take to receive it.

On another and more important note, it has come to my attention that your client has been driving with my children in his vehicle. It is my understanding that he does not have a valid driver's license. Immediately send me a copy of his valid driver's license and/or permit and/or proof that he is legally allowed to drive. This is not negotiable.

Thank you.

W


Looks like she's trying to extort money, wouldn't you say? She is now threatening me legally by going down this road, and I unfortunately am forced to take the gloves off. I've done nothing but give her money, pay her bills like the phone bill and car insurance, daycare expenses, $23,000 in student loans, and have been very friendly and accommodating. I will not post anything here, but I now feel I have no choice but to take her to the cleaners. I was going to give her some money and things after the D was final, but didn't want to be legally bound to it. Now, nothing. She has just sealed her own D fate. I don't even know this woman anymore. I don't know why she has decided to go down this road, but she sadly will regret it.

I'm so sad that it has come to this due to her selfishness.

GD

[Nomopo]

Instead of assuming she is extorting money and/or what her motivations/thinking are, and based on those assumptions taking the golves off, could you talk to her or ask her about it?

Nomo (Yes, it's really me! I am alive.)

[Gone Dancin']

I don't think it's a smart thing at this point. She is showing that she is willing to do some very hurtful things to me legally, no matter what kindness I've shown her since leaving and what kind of father I've been for the kids. I don't believe I can trust her to do the right thing anymore, so I don't think it would be wise to talk with her about it (at least right now).

I have to provide evidence of discoveries on Tuesday at the Compelling hearing, and after that my attorney will be able to deal with her directly since her attorney will officially be out of the picture at that time and W will be representing herself.

I'll kick around your suggestion, Nomo, and obviously exercise the 48 hour rule.

Nice to hear from you -- I appreciate you taking the time to post your thoughts, buddy! If you find time, keep 'em coming!

GD

[Pudmuddle]

Yikes! Sorry this had to get ugly GD.

But I agree with Nomo, find out first exaactly why this was brought out. Could have been just the lawyer doing a little side research on you, and not her.

[Nomopo]

Ok, but I honestly don't know what you could say in a phone call that would get you in legal trouble, and it would be nice to know what she is thinking, intending, etc. before you get in court and in front of a judge who might like an answer to the question. Check with your lawyer if you feel better.

Take care,
Nomo

[Heimlich]

Hmmmm, as Nomo says, don't assume. However, I think it curious that your W mention this now since I've always assumed that she knew this. I think you're entitled to ask her WTF, politely.

And:

So, if I get with any of my guy friends and do this, is that a date too?

Yes (not that there's anything wrong with that)

BD

[Pudmuddle]

Yes (not that there's anything wrong with that)

HEIM!!! You crack me up!

[Gone Dancin']

So I did call STBX yesterday, and found out that she is a pretty bitter woman right now, and isn't thinking logically at all.

She's mad because she heard that I was going to move to another town (which is a very small mountain town) that is about an hour away. I told her that I had been kicking around the idea of moving to an area that is about 30-40 minutes away that isn't in ANY town, but rather in the mountains in between the town she is referring to and the city we live in now. I've always wanted to live in a log home on a few acres of land in the woods, and that is something I'm now looking into. As long as the courts okay it, W shouldn't be concerned. I even told her that I would be the one to drop off the kids and pick up the kids, and that she wouldn't have to make the trip. And, of course, I said that I wouldn't even be making such a move until I get my license back (which isn't until next August).

She still said that she doesn't want me to make that move because in the winter time the roads will be real icy and she doesn't want the kids to be in that danger.

GIVE ME A FREAKIN' BREAK! W and I both grew up in a small, rural northern Idaho town where snow and icy roads were the norm in the winter time. She's just fishing for excuses to control me and my choices because she's unhappy and knows that this D won't give her what she wants in terms of money. She also said she thinks I'm trying to take the kids away.

I answered by saying that how can I do that when we've agreed upon JOINT legal and physical custody. She just said, "I don't know, but I'll do whatever I have to do to keep my kids." WTF? I just don't know this woman at all. She even made another subtle threat that I can be taken to jail right there in the courtroom if it comes up that I'm driving the kids around illegally. She then continued to say that she's just trying to protect herself to because if it comes up that she knew I was doing this, that SHE could be held accountable too. !

She told me that she didn't put the driving issue in the email in an attempt to get any of my inheritance, and she just wants to at least be given child support. In the mediation meeting, the mediator (who is a lawyer, herself) decided that we are both equal in earning potential, and therefore no child support will be issued from either side, especially since we will have 50/50 custody. And not only does she want child support, she wants it ON TO OF the roughly $700 she willingly gets from me each month (I do it without an court order).

She's angry because the kids get their own rooms, space, etc, when they're with me, and they have to share rooms and space with her BF's kids when they're with her. I'm just thinking, "WTF do you expect?! That's a direct result of your choice, and not my fault at all."

She said that she has to do whatever is necessary to ensure a future for herself and the kids. I told her the kids will have a future, to which she replies, "Yeah, with you!" She is just so selfish and so bitter right now, that she doesn't care what she has to do to me legally, financially, emotionally, etc, to get what she wants. Nothing I've done for her over the last year of separation, or continue to do for her, matters. It's like she has thrown it all in my face and has said it isn't good enough.

I'm SO done with wanting to reconcile with her. There is absolutely no way I can trust her anymore for anything. Not ever. She has finally gone too far, and has shown me that she is a different person, and someone that I never want to be with or associate with. I now have NO desire to reconcile. Even if she someday comes back and wants to, my answer is a definitive "NO THANKS."

More was said during our conversation, which lasted about an hour, but it didn't get us anywhere and there's really no point in posting it. The bottom line is that I have decided I will not continue to do what I can for her. She is on her own. I have no more compassion for the position she is in. She plays poker 3-4 nights a week at $20 per buy-in, then stays up all night and calls in sick to work at least 1 day per week. She isn't being responsible, and although this is her choice, I will not pick up the pieces for her choice(s). It's time that she sees that her actions have consequences, and that she can't continue to lean on me for financial support while stabbing me in the back. I will not be the doormat. I will be civil, but I will not give more than is expected via the court system and the state. If she wants the kids to have their own rooms and space all of the time, they can either come live with me all of the time, or she can figure out how to provide this for the kids when they're with her.

I'm done.

Sorry if this post is negative -- I'm not giving up on my changes (and I was really very polite during the entire talk), but am giving up on being more helpful than is necessary. I will not enable my W anymore, and I will not do anything in hopes that she will appreciate it and give us hope. If we can't be friends, so be it. If she doesn't like the changes in my help, it will be her problem and she will have to learn to manage her feelings accordingly.

Thanks for reading.

GD

[SunnySeason]

Evening GD,

I'm sorry things have started to grind a little. A good move to call her for more information first b/f taking any action.
Nomo uses that L instinct well.

Although it may seem that you'll have negative feeling regarding your W from here on out, after the court stuff is settled & done my guess is you'll feel differently.

Just a suggestion FWIW, if you do offer your W child support, that's something that can always be altered later, whereas a divorce settlement cannot.
It might take the heat out of it if you offer something, & as you said, you were giving her $700 month anyway. Perhaps take it out of that & you can always adjust it later.
Maybe say you had been thinking about it & it makes sense to you right now, so it doesn't seem that you're caving to a threat.

I'd try to nip the start of what may turn into a nasty battle between you & W before it begins picking up steam.

I can sure understand how you would feel about her right now.

(((((GD)))))

L&L,

Sunny