I've been checking out this site for a little while, after reading about SSM. I have a copy of the book now. Turns out I've been doing a lot of what's in it already. I'm the one with the lower libido in our marriage. I seem to be the one actively looking for solutions though. I am actually capable of having a pretty strong libido. It is just influenced by the circumstances of my/our life more strongly than my husband's is. He could have sex during a nuclear war.
The most helpful part of SSM has been the discussion about arousal occuring after beginning to make love rather than prior to it, for some people. That's good to remember when I'm not in the mood, but there is nothing going on to explain my lack of desire. It doesn't help, however, when there is a good reason...like major league anger at dear hubby. Then having sex when I don't feel like it just makes everything worse! In fact I'm usually angrier with him and feel used as a result.
One problem I have is how to get him to change his approach, technique, whatever to help me get and stay aroused. He seems to want me to want what he wants to do (make sense?). I've tried nonverbally showing him, gently guiding him, telling him directly, giving lots of positive response when he comes close. The problem is that what works one time won't necessarily work the next time. He gets hurt and frustrated and angry. I'm as frustrated, if not more, as he is with my low sex drive. I'm frustrated with my ever changing arousal needs. I'm very aware of his feelings about our sex life. I've been willing to try to have sex even when I really don't want to. I hate not wanting to! I do need him to try though to help my arousal level during sex. He seems to get more hurt and angry when I suggest that I need some sympathy and understanding too. Maybe he's the injured party though and so I should be the one to make amends. I certainly do feel guilty about the way that I am.
More though than lovemaking style, I would like to feel closer to him emotionally. We're a bit reversed from the sterotype of the man bottling up his feelings and the woman talking about hers. He talks about his feelings and I'm really happy about that. I have a hard time opening up to him. I can't really say why. I've tried, but something is unsatisfying about it. What makes a person easy to talk to? What do I need to do to open up? There's something about his response or his level of understanding about what I'm feeling that just doesn't do it for me. I don't feel like he "gets it" when I share important stuff. So I hesitate to share anymore because of this vague dissatisfaction afterwards. But I need the emotional closeness. I think I'm lonely.
Most of the posters here seem to be the sex-starved partner. Not too surprising, but is there anyone else like me?
