I've been checking out this site for a little while, after reading about SSM. I have a copy of the book now. Turns out I've been doing a lot of what's in it already. I'm the one with the lower libido in our marriage. I seem to be the one actively looking for solutions though. I am actually capable of having a pretty strong libido. It is just influenced by the circumstances of my/our life more strongly than my husband's is. He could have sex during a nuclear war.
The most helpful part of SSM has been the discussion about arousal occuring after beginning to make love rather than prior to it, for some people. That's good to remember when I'm not in the mood, but there is nothing going on to explain my lack of desire. It doesn't help, however, when there is a good reason...like major league anger at dear hubby. Then having sex when I don't feel like it just makes everything worse! In fact I'm usually angrier with him and feel used as a result.
One problem I have is how to get him to change his approach, technique, whatever to help me get and stay aroused. He seems to want me to want what he wants to do (make sense?). I've tried nonverbally showing him, gently guiding him, telling him directly, giving lots of positive response when he comes close. The problem is that what works one time won't necessarily work the next time. He gets hurt and frustrated and angry. I'm as frustrated, if not more, as he is with my low sex drive. I'm frustrated with my ever changing arousal needs. I'm very aware of his feelings about our sex life. I've been willing to try to have sex even when I really don't want to. I hate not wanting to! I do need him to try though to help my arousal level during sex. He seems to get more hurt and angry when I suggest that I need some sympathy and understanding too. Maybe he's the injured party though and so I should be the one to make amends. I certainly do feel guilty about the way that I am.
More though than lovemaking style, I would like to feel closer to him emotionally. We're a bit reversed from the sterotype of the man bottling up his feelings and the woman talking about hers. He talks about his feelings and I'm really happy about that. I have a hard time opening up to him. I can't really say why. I've tried, but something is unsatisfying about it. What makes a person easy to talk to? What do I need to do to open up? There's something about his response or his level of understanding about what I'm feeling that just doesn't do it for me. I don't feel like he "gets it" when I share important stuff. So I hesitate to share anymore because of this vague dissatisfaction afterwards. But I need the emotional closeness. I think I'm lonely.
Most of the posters here seem to be the sex-starved partner. Not too surprising, but is there anyone else like me?
I think it's great that you care enough about your husband and your relationship to read the SSM and seek advice on this message board. I'm in your husband's situation as opposed to yours, but it's nice to see a post from the low-desire partner in a relationship (especially a female) because it helps me to understand better what might be going on in my wife's mind. My relationship is similar to yours in that I'm the one to commonly share my feelings while my wife very seldom opens up. However, unlike you, my wife doesn't like me to share my feelings because she sees the fact that I'm unhappy as a criticism of herself. As a result, I'm trying to learn how to communicate with her without coming across as critical.
Like you, my wife has told me that not feeling close to me has a lot to do with our lack of physical intimacy. This surprised me because aside from our "monthly" argument about sex we get along very well. I feel like the reason she doesn't feel close to me is because we've gone so long without sex, kissing, cuddling, etc., but obviously she sees the exact opposite. I apologize that I don't really have any advice to offer at the moment, but I will follow your future posts and offer some insight whenever I can. If you have an opportunity to read through my post, I'd be interested in any insight that you could give me as well. Good luck finding some answers to you problems.
I posted to your earlier post. Hope I didn't upset you in with any of my comments.
Supposedly women need emotional closeness to have sex and men need sex to have emotional closeness. I don't know if that gender difference has actually been put to an empirical test. It seems to be true for my husband and me. For me sex comes more easily if the emotional closeness is there first. I accept that my husband needs the physical first. We're just different. I am feeling a little shortchanged since I'm working on getting his needs met, but I still don't have the emotional closeness I need. I try to remember my spiritual beliefs that encourage me to seek first to understand than to be understood when I start to feel a little sorry for myself. Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn't. Everyone wants to be understood. It' human nature. I do have some concerns about becoming a "Walkaway Wife." I don't really see myself getting a divorce, but I do understand the giving up part of the walkaway wife.
Thank you so much for your response to my post. You didn't upset me at all - in fact you told me a lot of things that have actually crossed my mind before. Some of your comments helped me understand what my wife might be going through much better than I did previously. I don't have time to say more now as I just got home from out of town and it's after midnight, but tomorrow I'll try to respond to some of your comments specifically - probably in my post. Please let me know if I can help you in any way.
MPT I am in your situation. I have/had little (or no) sex drive and I absolutely hate myself for feeling this way. As a result of this, my husband has filed for divorce and it may have cost me my marriage....although I am still trying to be hopeful. Rather than openly trying to communicate about our problems, we both avoided them. We had no idea how to talk about our sexual relationship. I was a fool for thinking he was okay with our situation and I until I read the SSM, I did not realize how badly I was hurting my husband. I pushed him away to the point that he finally gave up pursuing me. I made him feel unattractive, unloved and unwanted, when nothing could be further from the truth. Since I have read the SSM and For Women Only (can't remember the author but it is two sisters) I have noticed considerable change in my "desire". (I have also been discussing these issues in my counseling sessions, which has greatly helped) I have actually been fantasizing about my husband...something I have never done before. I realize that I do have a desire for sex and physically intimacy, it was just buried someone very deep inside me. I encourage you to do things that make you feel more sexy. It probably sounds stupid, but it has helped me. I pay more attention to my figure, I lost weight, shave my legs daily, bought sexy new underwear. (hey, it can't hurt) I pray that its not too late and once my husband gets past his feelings of anger we can try to work through our problems together. I hope that if I feel sexy then he will be attracted to me again. The few times we actually had sex the past two years it was quick because I just wanted to get it over with, how horrible must I have made my husband feel? I did not even realize the damage I was doing. Is your husband open to reading the SSM? Perhaps it would help him understand how you've been feeling? Maybe it's a start....
KAH, Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. I read yours and I really feel for you. I hope you are able to work things out with your H. I didn't post to you because I didn't think I had anything helpful to offer, other than support. I guess that's something though. You have my cyberspace support for whatever its worth! My H and I are actually doing pretty well after a long conversation we had last friday evening. SSM has been helpful in some ways and not in others. It is a good hammer, but everything isn't a nail. My lack of desire stemmed from some issues my H and I needed to address. I kept waiting for the sex to address those issues. It wasn't going to. More direct action was needed on my part. That led to the conversation on Friday. So far, and I know it hasn't been that long, my desire for my husband hasn't been a problem. The relative speed with which things turned around from that one long, in depth conversation has me quite hopeful. Thanks for your support!
MPT That is so good to hear. I think communication is really the key to everything. I appreciate your support and please know that I wish you & your H all the best. Keep sending your updates, good news is always appreciated!!
I'm very sorry to hear about the problems with your husband and I wish you the best in working through them. It sounds like you've made great progress in dealing with some of your issues and I think that your husband will eventually see the changes in you and give the marriage another chance. I'm the high-desire partner in my marriage so I'm essentially experiencing what your husband has been through. My thread "sex-starved and looking for advice" gives plenty of details if you're interested. Since you, like MPT, have experienced the lack of intimacy issue from my wife's point of view, any advice that you could give me would be much appreciated. The question that comes to mind at the moment is this: what could your husband have done differently, before he eventually quit persuing you, to persuade you to rekindle the romance in your marriage, or at least to try?
I just read through your thread so I have a better idea where you are coming from. I am so sorry for all of the pain that you are going through. As I read your thread I could see so many similarities in our situations. It makes me so sad to hear you say how badly it made you feel that your wife would not kiss you romantically and that it has made you feel like you are repulsive. I know that I made my H feel the same way and to be honest, it could not have been further from the truth. I need to tell you that I am very hesitant to give anyone advice, but I do want to respond to the question you asked me, "what could your husband have done differently, before he eventually quit purusing you, to persuade you to rekindle the romance in your marriage?" For me, I wish my husband would have tried to communicate his feelings to me. Instead, he kept them all inside...like a volcano ready to explode and that is exactly what happened. By the time he reached his breaking point and told me what was going on, he had already made up his mind that he was done with me and our marriage. So he filed for divorce. It may be too late for us, only time will tell.
When I say I had no idea how unhappy he was, at the time I really didn't. (admittedly I see now how selfish & foolish I have been) Six months ago if H would have come to me and said that he was completely unhappy in our marriage and if things didn't change he was going to leave me, I would have sat up and listened. Please realize it is easy for me to say this now, but I believe that I needed to fully understand how serious the situation was and that his needs were not being met. (actually neither were mine) When he finally reached his breaking point and told me he was leaving me, I sprinted to the marriage counselor as fast as I could. I bought books and read everything I could get my hands on. I would have done it sooner if I had not been so blind to our situation. It wasn't until I read SSM that I realized how much damage had really been done. For my H, sex = love. Since there was no sex, in his eyes I obviously never loved him. We both wanted the exact same things, unfortunately we never bothered to communicate those needs to each other. For example, he hated the fact that I went to bed early because it made him lonely. I went to bed early because I felt like he wasn't listening to me and I was alone. Why didn't we talk about any of these things before??? I wish I knew. I also wish there was something that I could tell you that would change your situation or help you in some way. I'm not sure if any of this really helps or not? Did you say that your W will not go to counseling with you? If you are not going, I think you should...even if it means you have to go alone. Maybe once you start going she will change her mind?? If nothing else, it may help you get through this. Just a thought
