While talking about his classmate's funeral, xh start wondering out loud how many people would show, what they would say, etc. Not histrionic, just the normal way you think after such an event. Anyway, he said, he knew what he would say at mine. He said that I'm one of the best people he's ever encountered, a great mother, and the only person who has always stood by him through all the crazyness and stress. I thanked him.
xh also said he knew he had been a rotten husband. I told him not always...that it had been good and fun at times. He emphasized that he had been. I told him again that wasn't true--like anything else, it had had peaks and valleys.
...more good baby steps.
(Think I need to quit writing until the beer wears off.)
(She told me last night my kid was too skinny, and that I must not be feeding him enough. She then proceeded to try to feed him things I didn't approve of--and when I told her not to, she tried when I wasn't looking. Agh!)
Well, don't feel you are alone in this. We got the exact same thing from my mom in regards to S. He's stick thin but it's not like we are starving him. He's just that way. Well, it didn't bother me too much since I grew up with that type of comments. It totally made the W mad. She took it as an insult saying that she's not a good mother and is starving our child. I think a lot of controlling parents tends to do that. Being critical that is. Maybe your MIL is just more extreme than most.
Drinking on the job again eh?
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
I told her briefly, kindasorta. It was awkward.. we were semi "in public", and I think that she wouldnt feel comfortable with me complimenting her on how she looked right then.
but later, I made a point of talking to her on the phone for about a min before she went to bed,and telling her outright, that she looked "really pretty".
wish I knew what the best amount of contact was for her. On the one hand, I know that talking is really important to her. On the other hand, I know that when I TRY talking to her every day... it seems to turn her off. wierd, and frustrating dichotomy. tough to find a good balance.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Anyway. Apparently, her husband is going to go to the cell provider, and get the records to see who she calls/texts. Obviously, xh's number is going to come up a lot. xh agreed that this was something the husband had every right to do. (Another big positive...he never would have seen this before.) He also agreed that her husband would be right in identifying the problem.
Hurray! looks like your issues there might be solved by one of the classic, "affair partner spouse finally finds out and puts a stop to it" path. Let's hope so I think your relationship will go immeasurably smoother if that happens.
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So, xh finally explained it to me in a way I understand. He's said repeatedly that even he "doesn't know what it is." He also has told me that "yes, there are feelings". Well, he elaborated that, he's not sure what those feelings are. ...In that, he's unsure if it's just the whole allure of the affair fantasy, if it's because they have these personal conversations about her situation, or if it really could be early relationship feelings.
sigh...
sounds like he's really clueless about relationships. which we knew.
I'd say, Yes its because they have those conversations.. AND Yes, they are early relationship feelings!
Maybe he could benefit by reading up on one of the various relationship books, that points out that emotional intimacy, comes from personal intimate sharing, which becomes a self-sustaining cycle, deepening that intimacy until it eventually becomes a "lover" relationship.
Hurray for beer! it seems to make you quite coherent, actually
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Hurray! looks like your issues there might be solved by one of the classic, "affair partner spouse finally finds out and puts a stop to it" path.
JD's husband already made her switch gyms. xh was her personal trainer. When he first started training her, I even warned him that she was looking for an exit affair. Ha.
I suspect either she really will finally leave, and their R won't be as much fun when they're not sneaking around and talking about her crazy husband; or she'll chicken out, won't leave, and he'll force the end of the contact. Probably the first, though.
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sounds like he's really clueless about relationships. which we knew.
Well, yeah. Actually, that he's even thinking about it this much is much better than what he used to do. Old xh would have either:
1) Insisted they were really just friends, and the ILY's were "purely platonic".
This was xow, lol. He kept insisting that she was just the best friend he had ever had. I was dumb at the time, too...xh even told me that, and that they snuggled on the couch, and how platonic it was, and I bought it. Haha. How dumb were we back then?? (In fairness, I myself had an EA at the same time. Learned my lesson!)
2) Let it run away with him, and declared his undying love, yada yada yada.
I find it interesting that neither of these scenarios has happened. To me, it shows that he's at least trying to understand how long-term relationships are supposed to work.
Been meaning to pick up a copy of Shirley Glass's "Not Just Friends", anyway.
JD's husband already made her switch gyms. xh was her personal trainer. When he first started training her, I even warned him that she was looking for an exit affair. Ha.
oh, yuk!! Right on the money there, seems like.
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I suspect either she really will finally leave, and their R won't be as much fun when they're not sneaking around and talking about her crazy husband; or she'll chicken out, won't leave, and he'll force the end of the contact. Probably the first, though.
Pffft. I dont see him forcing no contact due to anything she does. I only think he would put an end to it, if you continue to make it an issue, and he finally "does the right thing" by putting an end to his emotional philandering.
(the no sex thing might get to him eventually )
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Hmmmmm....just wondering what your XH would say if you told him: "you know, I don't want to sleep with you while you're involved with another woman. But a girl DOES have needs, so I'm going out Saturday night to find an unattached guy to have sex with. Mind watching the baby for me??"
Ellie, unfortunately...he'd be likely to tell me to have fun!! I did go out with some friends a month or so ago...he knew, since he watched the kiddo. I need to go out with my friend D and really stay out late. I just have such a hard time staying away from the baby that long!
Dom, yeah, it was pretty obvious to me what was up when he first started mentioning her. (We were nowhere near this close back then...still very distant and lots of anger. Definitely no sex.) He kept saying he knew that, and didn't want get involved with a client because that was unprofessional, blah blah blah. Even seeing it coming a mile away doesn't always help.
Ah, well. I think we'll have another discussion, but not for a bit. I want to get past Thanksgiving, get some good QT in, and have the MIL-drama factor gone. Plus, xh keeps cringing when I mention I have something to tell him. I need to make sure that he's open to that type of conversation.
Oh...and on another positive...he explicitly said he wanted to spend time alone with both me and the baby tomorrow. I think I may start adding in some more mildly flirtatious stuff, and see what happens.
Other than this one, stupid thing...we would have a great R. Sheesh. At least he's not hiding it or lying about any of it this time!
