*sigh*.....man, how do I stop letting him push my buttons.
Yesterday the school told me (and left h a voicemail message) that d6 was getting a special certificate at assembly today and d6 didn't know about it. I appreciate that they told us so we could be there. Unfortunately I had already taken Monday off and left work early on Tues (to pick up d6 from school because h couldn't do it - h had a counselling appointment) and on Thursday (to take d6 to her own counselling appointment) so I didn't feel that it would be right for me to take more time off at such late notice. Luckily h rang last night and asked me to leave out the camera for him as he had rearranged his shift so he could go to assembly.
This mornign while I at work he sent me a txt saying 'thanks a lot. batteries are flat and memory card full. consequently no pictures'. I felt bad but really, it's not his problem, it's mine, I wasn't there, I didn't check the camera, I don't get the photos. I texted back sorry and that I should have checked the camera. I asked how it went and if d6 was surprised and that I was glad he could make the time to go.
I had also left him a friendly note telling him about the sort of books/stationery things d6 was keen on and that I was glad he could make the time to go to the assembly.
So, I felt a bit bad about the camera but it only really affects me, doesn't it?
This evening when I got home I found a note from him. In it he accused me of making him look like a bad father (because of the camera). I had left some mail for him on the bench and had readressed _one_ of them with his work address because I was torn between not wanting him to come around and also wanting him to get his mail, but also making a point that I didn't know his new address. He then went on to say in the note that I must NEVER redirect his mail, and that he will collect it every few days. He then went on to say that if I am trying to p1ss him off I'm doing a good job with all these games I'm playing. He said if that's what it takes to get me through the day, then so be it but it will turn around and bite me on my 'big fat arse'.
OF course I was upset and I ended up ringing and leaving him a very tearful and upset message saying something like "I assure you I am not playing any games. I'm sorry about the camera, I should have checked it. It's a cock-up, these things happen." I tried to explain about the mail and I wasn't sure if he was going to be coming around or indeed if I felt like I could be in the same room as him after what happened on Sunday (police were involved). I don't think I said much more than that other than that I wanted him not to leave abusive messages for me and that if he couldn't say anything nice, then perhaps he shouldn't say anything at all.
Then I called my sister.
I wish I hadn't have left him a message. I want to take it back.
I'm worried he'll call me later after he finishes work or worse, actually come around. I want a sanctuary for me, and this house doesn't fit the bill because he has pointed out several times now that this house is his too and he'll come round when he wants to.
Help...what do I do now? I don't trust his temper. I don't trust my emotions. I don't want him around any more. I don't want d6 to see any more of this nasty stuff.
Just great....great big long phone call. Couple of times I just put the phone down because I couldn't listen to him tell me that I am playing games with him. He says I purposely made sure the camera was full to make him look bad.
Me taking d6 to teh beach on Sunday was wrong and 'everyone he talks to thinks so'. I told him several times to tell me when he can make time to see d6 and let me know and I will do what I need to to ensure it. I told him I wanted him to leave me alone but that I didn't want him to abandon his daughter. He seriously thinks I'm trying to turn her against him and set things up so that he looks like he doesn't care. Chr1st. Nothing I say gets through.
I was almost hysterical in tears on the phone, it got so I put the phone on the couch and he kept on talking...I don't think he realised I wasn't listening, I couldnt' listen any more.
After I told him I couldn't think straight any more and I was going to go, I hung up. He called back, I put the phone back on the couch and cried. after a while I picked it up to see if maybe he had calmed down and we could make up but no. It got so I said to him that I don't feel safe (I think that's what I said). I know I did say, "you didn't see your eyes on sunday, you weren't looking at the golf club sitting on your shoulder,.... you weren't looking at the window wondering if you really could put me through the window like you were threatening to. ....Leave me alone. But don't abandon your daughter" He hung up then and then after about ten minutes I rang Crisis Care hotline and spent another 20mins crying on the phone to the chick on the other end.
I hate this....I just want to feel safe, but I want my d6 to have a daddy. I'm trying so hard to not bad mouth him and I think I've been doing a pretty good job. He's the one that is not doing the good job. He's the one not taking responsibility for his actions. He's the one blaming me for everything that's wrong with him, he's saying that I'm doing all this on purpose.
I just wonder if indeed I am playing games with h.
Then again, I'd have to be pretty powerful and extremely clever to be able to 'play' him like this and make him act so that he would threaten me and damage things.
I tried to defend myself. I am not playing games with him. There are happier things to do with my time.
One of the things he said on Monday (on the phone) after the police order expired was that he thought I asked the police to serve him with that 24hr order. I didn't think I did, though my memory wasn't flash and I was pretty upset at the time. I asked the lady tonight on the phone and she said no, the police make their own decision to issue that or not and they have certain criteria that needs to be met before issuing one. I didn't ask them to do it. I don't think he really believes me.
I think I should bite the bullet adn apply for mediation. Also, as much as I hate to do it I'll have to change gyms which will mean shelling out $600+ for a gym membership elsewhere. Currently i have gym membership where my h works but I don't feel I can show my face there now...
I don't think you should be blaming yourself all the time but I do think you need to formulate a strategy and try to stick to it.
I agree with inmyplace in as much as your H will probably find the lack of consistency hard to deal with. I can see however that this is a reaction to your H's own erratic behaviour.
I think you need to be the 'grown up' here and decide on what you think is ok and fair and then set the boundaries and stick with them. If only for your own sanity and your D's sake.
It's not uncommon for people who have had police contact to blame the other person who was involved with them in the disturbance for the police involvement. I had to go to court when my BIL assaulted me. I didn't want to particularly but the Crown Prosecution Service told me that I had to as I was called as a witness after having made a statement to the police. When the incident happened the police told me I HAD to make a statement as in addition to myself being attacked my husband's car had been damaged by my BIL and the insurance CO. wouldn't pay out unless I had made a statement. Found out that the 'having to make a statement for insurance purposes' was not correct but by then I had made the statement and if I withdrew it I would maybe be prosecuted for wasting police time. Felt like I couldn't win whatever I did. So don't beat yourself up about it. When incidents occur it all gets very confusing and emotional. Try to move on. Try to be clear with your H.
I am here listening. Though I have to log off now for a while for kids to do homework
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
*sigh*.....man, how do I stop letting him push my buttons.
By not reacting. By not defending yourself. I know it is much more difficult than said, but it's what I try to do and try to have done. You felt bad about the camera and we all know he knows that.....but he's milking it....and that's easy, because you are reacting to it.
I really recommend the "Act as if..." (if you can't find it let us know). I don't mean this for H's sake, I mean it for your sake. Act as if the buttons don't work (don't react, don't defend, etc.).....follow the other "As if" guidelines as well. Start doing it ......and it gets easier as you go along (could take a couple of weeks to get comfortable with it). Does wonders for your confidence as well.
Me 44 W 39 M 10yrs (together 13 years) one D 8 ILYBINILWY Feb 2007 Separated - 5th September 07
Will get there in the end. Will get there in the end 2.
I really recommend the "Act as if..." (if you can't find it let us know).
Hi better, I've done a search on "act as if" and "as if". I did find stuff a while ago, but I can't lay my fingers on it again. Could you direct me to the right threads?
Thanks too for your replies...I'll reply later gotta take d6 to swimming lessons up where h works. Deep breath. As if, as if, as if.
