Also...we will be going to her parents house for Thanksgiving. they have a tradition where everyone sits around and says what they are thankful for. the script is building in my mind. Any thoughts on what I should say? It's going to be very emotional for me. It always has been, but this year will be extremely difficult.
w very agitated tonight...I asked her what I did to set her off. Basically she said she just cant do it anymore, it's not working. She cant stand the pressure from me and doesnt think any of my changes are for real, they arent the real me because I havent done any of them for 15 years. I told her they were just habit changes. She's hoping we can hang in the house together for the kids sake through the holidays. I told her 'good luck to you' and left the room.
Keep up the positive changes and leave your W alone. No pressure or blame at all. If I had done those two things, I might not be sitting in an apartment right now.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
I feel like I am in total limbo land. She's planning on going through the holidays for the kids sake and then busting this up big time. Its just so hard to hear her say she's following her feelings, when a week ago she wanted to give 100% and 3 months to working it out. It was a two day trial and she says she did it because she felt guilty that I was trying so hard. I am amazed that she thinks whatever changes I have made are not 'me' and they have changed 'who I am'. I told her they have changed 'how' I am and that I am the same person, just making adjustments on some habits.
Sorry to hear about these latest developments. Welcome to the WAW waffle, the yo-yo, the roller coaster. Re-read my post from 11/05. You probably got a year of this crap to look forward to.
I think Rob and a few others hit it on the head. You got an inch and took a mile. Sounds like you started to see progress and went crazy with expectations, pursuing and pressure.
You can look at it as you have 6 weeks to turbo DB. Strange thing is, she might come home from work tonight and be in love with you again. She is "following her feelings". Those can change with the stop lights.
Either way, you WERE making progress by backing off and making changes. STOP telling her about the changes you are making. Enough with talking the talk; walk the walk. Knock it off with the back rubs. She made it clear, she doesn't want intimate "pressure". Stop questioning her. From an outsiders perspective, it seems like you know what to do and are able to do it sometimes but you can't seem to keep yourself from pressuring, confronting and making it about what you want.
She doesn't trust the changes...but she sees the changes. She is watching. I think you were almost there but set yourself back with pressure etc... Stop doing what doesn't work for cryin' out loud. Do what does work. You were getting it done. Get back to it. It is far from over.
Don't do anything flaky at Thanksgiving. Cool and pleasant. You are thankful for this time to be with the ones you love...then shut up! Don't be seduced by the dark side.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but it is only because I want you to stay married. Good luck brother. I'm pulling for you.
Last edited by DownNotOut...yet; 11/16/0704:58 PM.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Totally agree with what DNOy says tostada. wise words.
DNOy, love the sense of humor you inject! Those are what keeps me going when I can sense and find the humor in this crazy world we all live in right now.
Quote:
Welcome to the WAW waffle, the yo-yo, the roller coaster.
Quote:
Those can change with the stop lights.
These made me laugh out loud. Thanks I needed that.
If you get the chance DNOy, I would love to hear the humor you have for my latest post. Thanks!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
DNO..it's not harsh to me at all. Its reality. I have pursued and put intimate pressure on her. I told her in an email that I didnt really know what all the changes were, but I did want to help out more, appreciate her more, and do some stuff for myself like work out. I said I wasnt changing myself for you, I was changing some habits for us. That's all I said. I'll keep doing what I have been doing.
It was hard to back off when she gave me that inch. I had been closed off for so long, and when that window opened a crack, I tried to push the zoo through. I hope she gives me that inch again.
It is real hard. I made and to a lesser degree continue to make the same mistakes. How do you think I can preach to you so well?
Don't send anymore emails. Try not to talk about what you are gonna do. Just do it. It is F'in real hard. Trust me, the only way it is gonna work out is if you get back with the program.
I think you and I have similar personalities and you are sure making the mistakes I did. I can tell you that the less I talk and the more I DO, the better it is. As soon as I push or try to reason, or even R talk for more than about 5 minutes, it all starts going backwards.
I think you will get another "inch". Realistically, you haven't been at it that long. You made a ton of headway in a short time. I think she will yo-yo back. This time go easier and slower. You know what needs doing and you want to stay married so go do it.
For better or worse, this is far from over.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
My wife did the same thing in june. Same words and has since moved out. We have been married 8 years and have 2 small children. I pursued her for the 1st 5 months and now I have backed off and gotten on board with this whole process. I believe now that giving her the space she needs and me working on our friendship will bring us back together in a better place than we were before. Hang in there and try to give the space she needs. Definately read Dbing. I also am doing the telephone coaching and its great.
