Recently divorced here and having a really tough time. Here is a cliff note version of my story. My ex wife was the girl I always wanted in high school but could only gain a friendship at that time. A few years after graduating college and starting my own business, we meet again. 2 weeks later I move in with her, and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman. I proposed to her after 2 months, we got married 5 months later in City Hall, and then due to pressure from the family we had a formal wedding in the eyes of god 6 months later. We had a wonderful marriage the first 5 years, she was my best friend and believed in me (you know that saying behind every great man is a woman....well its all true) which allowed me to really succed in the many ups and down that occur in running your own business. We had a baby boy 5 years after we were married, and my wife who used to make a good living, decided she couldn't handle work anymore so encouraged her to quit and said I could handle all of the financial responsibilities. During this time my business went through a major transition and I lost alot of income, and was stressed out all the time. She claims to me that her pregnancy was tough on her and she felt that she was all alone in it. Well in the last trimester, we saw a therapist by my wifes request and after hearing everything the therapist told her politely to give me a break. Life had thrown to much to quick at me, and although my wife was supportive it wasn't the same as being in the field working to make money for the family. In the end the therapist took my side, and somehow whatever grievances she had with me went away. Fast forward 2 years later, I was going mach 5 at work started a new compnay and it was doing great, we bought a really nice house, trips, was always very generous with the wife etc. One weekend she went away to her parents with my son, and I had this weird feeling come over me like I had been missing something. Well, I went out that night with a friend met a woman who I charmed pretending to be someone else and eneded up sleeping with her. This was the first and only affair that I have had. I was eaten up by guilt the very next day and told my mom. My mom's advice was you made a mistake don't let it happen again and forget about it. Well I didn't listen to her. I lied to the woman about my name and occupation, and the fact that I was married, she did nothing wrong to me and I felt the right thing to do was to tell the truth. I did and was expecting her to slap the #$% out of me, but she didn't she cried for a while and said she developed really strong feelings for me. She told me to workon my marriage, and she would be my friend, no sex. And I agreed. When my wife came home I guess I started acting very carefree, and she quickly picked up on it. She immediatly went to see a therapist and asked me to go. Looking back in retrospect although I am only 36 I acheived many goals that people dont reach even in a whole lifetime, and now see that I was going thru a midlife crisis. After a month or so my wife found out what had been happening I left my phone out and subconsciously wanted to get caught. I was planning on breaking my friendship with this other woman, but hadn't done it at tha point. Anyway we almost divorced than, I ended up moving out for a few weeks and slowly strated to rebuild things back with my wife. I saw the pain that I had caused her and I did everything I could to mend it. I called every member of her family and aplogized to them, I went to our Rabbi and told him what happened. He told her he felt I was sincere and was a big help in us getting back together. Fast forward 2 1/2 years later, wife has been confused goes out with a girlfriend sleeps around with a guy from high school, and the next day tells me that she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. I start DB immediatly, maybe it was instinctive. The whole family is shocked because her whole family more than forgave me we had gotten really close. Her behavior immediatly after that was really bad going out all the time, secretly hidding her purse, car keys, and cell phone. After 3 months I had had enough went through alot of therapy and she was not changing her mind. My business started to get giant crack in it at this time because my brain was someplace else, I asked her to start looking for a house, she did and moved out Dec of 06, 2 days prior to our 10 year wedding anniversary. We didn't use any lawyers agreed on everything, and did the deed. All I have done is be there for my son, if there is any good out of all this, is that my relationship with my son is the best it can be. He really wants to live with me, but we will have to wait till he is 11, thats the law in FL, kids can decide then. Meanwhile my ex and I talk daily, and the financial cracks keep getting larger. I let her take everything form my house, except my grand piano, and studio equipment. When she moved out and I came home it really was an empty house...literally! January was really tough, I still hear her voice and my sons all the time(its a big house). My son is with me about 40-50% of the time, she lives only a mile away. Our relationship is very good, because I have done everything I promised, and she has even told me that. I asked her a few months ago if she was happy, and she replied that hopes to be someday. I have had a really tough time adjusting and its been over a year. I know I still love her deeply, and I want her to find herself. Her behavior has really calmed down very reminiscent of the woman I was once with. The last part of this tale is that about 8 months ago I decided to call the woman I had the affiar with, just to see how she was. I never said goodbeye 3 years ago I just disappeared. One thing led to another and she said that she looked for me in every man that she had ever been with since me, and I was her one true love. We started dating and she moved in with me. My wife has met her and they are both really nice around one another. My son absolutely adores her and she treats him as if he is her own. My wife recently said to me that she likes the man I have become, she thinks my gf has something to do with that. I finally realized, that that is not the case. In order to deal with this trauma, the old me had to die, and new me was born...its still me, by my motivations, and mannerisms have changed. I have become more passive in something that I was so passionate about which was my business. And I really have to look extremely hard tofind any pleasures inlife. I feel I am deeply unhappy, and just portray someone who is well adjusted to the people around me so that they don't leave. The only thing that I am living for is my son. That is what allows me to go one more day.
The last part of this tale is that about 8 months ago I decided to call the woman I had the affiar with, just to see how she was. I never said goodbeye 3 years ago I just disappeared. One thing led to another and she said that she looked for me in every man that she had ever been with since me, and I was her one true love. We started dating and she moved in with me.
Why are you here?
you're living with, and presumably having sex with, this other woman.
This site is for people who want to work on/rebuild their marriages.
You just seem to be having a "personal crisis", but no real indications of wanting to work on remarrying your (ex)wife.
SO... why are you here?
(PS: please use the [enter] key, and make paragraphs in future postings. makes it a lot easier to read.)
Last edited by Dom R; 11/14/0708:42 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Well, if you read the books it tells you everywhere that you need to move on with your life. That is what I have tried to do. The only reason I contacted this woman was to see if there was a reason that all of this happened. There were no triggers for it, and I am a good person my ex even said so. In my head I have moved on, but in my heart I am still with her.
I think the advice above was pretty harsh. People come here for advice, and there is a whole forum for those already divorced that don't even care if they reconcile with their ex. I see where the poster was coming from, but unless you've been in that situation, it's very hard to understand the concept of moving on.
That being said, I think you probably did jump into this relationship too soon. Don't you? But what about your ex-W? Have you really taken a good long look at what she has to offer? You are out of the marriage. It is the time to look and say, "what does she bring to the table? Is this two complete people that bring out the best in each other? Or do I just miss having the family?" It's fair to do that. Can you answer those questions fairly? In my case, I think a big part of wanting to reconcile the first time was I missed my kids so much, rather than I really wanted my wife. Now, many years later, I can't even see what we ever had, much less what we could have.
Okay, last advice. You need to soul-search here. You may be a good guy, but what you have going on at the moment is not. It is not fair to this new woman to be this way. It's dishonest (unless you told her that you're still hung up on your ex-W). You owe it to yourself and to this new woman to actually make a conscience decision one way or the other. It's not fair to use this woman as your crutch to be discarded if your wife shows interest. Are you going to be with the current gf or not? Decide you will and put the work into it, forgetting about these "what could have beens" with your ex-W, or break it off with your gf and pursue something with your ex-W. This middle ground doesn't cut it.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Well, if you read the books it tells you everywhere that you need to move on with your life. That is what I have tried to do.
what book. divorcebusting????
It says to "get a life", not "ditch your wife, and go dating". Two very different things. Other books do claim that's a good thing to do. But not divorcebusting. And even the other books say you should do it basically to make your wife jealous. I dont think that was your intent at all with her.
Quote:
The only reason I contacted this woman was to see if there was a reason that all of this happened.
Any good counsellor would probably call "bull" on that one.
I think that what you really mean by "if there was a reason", was, "was there 'true love' there, that somehow justifies you ditching your wife and marriage for that woman?"
First off.. there's no such thing as "one true love". that's hollywood crap. and even if it was, it doesnt justify breaking up a marriage. Marriage isnt, "until death, or until I feel more romantic about someone else".
Secondly... you've found your answer now. It wasnt all worth it. You're now "with her", but still thinking about your wife.
--------
I'll ask again:
Why are you here?
if you want to "get over your wife", then this is not the place to do it.
if you're wondering, "should I try to reconcile with my wife?"...
then maybe you should start a new thread in this forum, asking that question.
If you're wondering, "I can't get her out of my head; I want to know HOW I might reconcile with my wife"... then dump your affair partner, and then ask the "how" questions.
'cause the #1 step in "how", would be "quit screwing another woman".
For people who actually want help recovering their marriage, I am actually quite sympathetic, and believe it or not, can actually be helpful
For people who want to somehow feel better about messing up their marriage (and continuing to walk away from it), I have no sympathy.
Last edited by Dom R; 11/15/0708:12 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I am a LBS and I hurt as much as it is possible, but I still feel that we should respect every poster, the world out there does not revolve around DB principles and it's understandable if not everyone shares the DB beliefs especially if they are newbies.
So AK keep posting and ask questions that way we might be able to help you more. After a while you will get used to the lingo and you will become familiar to the whole divorce busting theory. In the meantime here are a few questions: do you have the book? Have you read it? You sound confused about your D. What is it that you hope to find out here?
I have been totally honest with her. And while on the outside it looks like I rushed into another relationship, we have been through some really tough times together and there is loving bond there. You are right I think I miss seeing my son everyday and I remember alot of good times with my wife also. On a subconcious level its just hard to get thru this. On the surface you wouldn't suspect any of this. I am very loving towards my gf, and respectful and caring towrads my ex. The last poster is in my opnion still harboring alot of anger. That is why he reacted the way to my post. I don't have any anger, and my wife did some crazy stuff during the seperation, I have proof I read her journal. But I forgave her for all that, I just keep thinking the she may want to come back someday...maybe I'm crazy. My gf doesn't under stand why she wanted out of the marriage, she has found letters my wife wrote to me just 2 years ago, and she doesn't understand how someone can write that and walk away if they are sincere. Relationships are all to much work, if this one doesn't workout I am out of the game. I have a passion in life my son, and my art. I definetly don't want to make the emotional investment again way to painful.
If you are starting threads like"if you're wondering, "should I try to reconcile with my wife?"...
then maybe you should start a new thread in this forum, asking that question." You might as well g to Toys R US and buy a magic 8 ball. I am looking for someone who has had a similiar situation, and things do happen for a reason. I am not looking for "What should I do with my life ?"type answers. We all have the answers to all of lifes questions inside us, its just getting to that information. Dom, you should really lose the anger, I have been with one person and am in a relationship, my ex has been with a dozen or more men, and is also in a weird relationship. To many hipocrits with halo's out there...remember we are all human.
