It is pretty much the same thing my daughter's therapist told me. I also remember Dr. Numan talking briefly about it on Oprah. He said that spouses going through a divorce need to wait a long while before introducing new people to the children because they need time to transition out of the marriage and through the divorce. You and your H are not even legally separated, right? So it is NOT appropriate for your kids to become attached to anyone he is seeing. My D6's TH said that my H and OW have commited an act of betrayal against not only me and my marriage, but that my children will also take it personally so it is never appropriate for them to know this person until perhaps after a divorce. Even then she will still be a source of betrayal, that Daddy left us for her. TRUE. It is out of our control but at least we can show our Ds that we will not accept it and neither should they.
"Is it right that he takes our boys around his girlfriend?"
Julie's Question: My husband has committed adultery. We still live together because he will not move out. He takes his girlfriend around my two boys, who are six and nine. They tell him they want to be around her, but then they cry to me saying they are not ready. How can I convince my husband not to take the boys around her? Do you think that is right of him to do that? He could have waited until we were legally separated or divorce was final.
Gloria's Answer: Julie, Julie - He has a girlfriend that he is openly bringing into your home and the lives of your children, and you are making it okay?? It's time for you to find your strength, get angry, and stop letting him walk all over you!
The question is not whether or not it is right regarding the girlfriend being around the kids. The real question is whether or not it is right for your children to see YOU making all of this okay. He could've waited and he could've made other choices, and all the while, you could've thrown all of his clothes in garbage bags on the front lawn, changed the locks, and kicked him out of the house - while the kids were visiting grandma or a friend, of course.
Your boys need to see that their Mom has some self-respect, that she honors faithfulness in marriage, and that she will stand up for them and be there for them. Your husband needs to see that you are not a doormat who will always be there and will put up with whatever he dishes out. If you are done fighting for you marriage, then you file the papers, you kick him out or move out, and you take the lead. If you want to fight for you marriage though, begin to stand up for yourself and stop making all of this okay with you.
After the divorce and the two of you officially set up two homes, you can move through the anger, support your boys to accept this new woman if that is the end result, and begin to rebuild your new life again with your boys. Until then, it is time you reclaim your power and your own belief in yourself. Get really angry that you aren't loving yourself more!
Last edited by mkultra; 11/16/0706:11 AM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
