Time for healing without closing the door

[betteroffvsmost]

Or should I just ask a simple question - "Please may I have your address."

He'll ask "why"

I'll say "because I think it is reasonable to know where my husband is living, particularly for when d6 is staying with you"

I think he'll say "what's the problem?"

then it'll start degenerating. My paranoia about why he isn't telling me will start to come out and he will feel attacked. He will defend and counter and distract me from the issue which I think is that he is hiding yet more stuff from me and also using this as a method of control/manipulation so he can have 'one over on me'.

I realised I was wasting a lot of my energy trying to anticipate what my W would or would not say in any discussion.
My W hasn't come back yet, but I really do not do that anymore and I feel a lot less stressed.

If you genuinely want the address for any emergency and not for any reason to keep tabs on H, what if you said something like:
"In case of any emergency when D6 is staying with you, could I please have your address?"
He may surprise you, he may not.
Whatever the answer is....I would stop at that point.
He will probably expect the downward spiral in discussion as well, but it might work if you stop it before it starts with an "OK then" or something similar (nothing sarcastic).
If he hasn't already given it to you at that point he may, over a period of time, do a double-take (re-think, feel guilty, etcetera) and give it to you then.

I'd try to avoid the revealing of sorts of thoughts for now if I were you. Why not try the writing a letter method....the one where you write the letter revealing your thoughts, but you never actually give it to spouse. I did that once and was surprised to find that it worked for me.

I'm sure if you follow the pattern you demonstrate above...he will feel justified in never giving you the address.


I'm sorry to hear he got physical with you.