Read that again and highlight it. You will not be a bad person if you end this.
I suspect you've got the idea in your head that sex really shouldn't be a big deal, shouldn't be that important. Maybe it shouldn't be but it is, not just for "players", but for decent, smart, compassionate men like you want to consistently be. Those guys need sex and affection too, and the more the better.
I don't think anything will change until you can face the end of your relationship with equanimity. Until you can break it off yourself and know that you are not a bad person for doing so, and thereby make it clear to her that she can't use your own guilt and sense of duty to hold onto you and keep you on her side and will have to bring something to the table on her own.
You have to really mean it, because she can tell. Women are amazingly perceptive when it comes to our mindset and attitude, and you can't fake it. I'd say that years ago she picked up on the fact that you were perfectly willing to let her coast, and she did so and let it become a nasty habit, one that she's not going to want to go through the frustration and effort of breaking unless she has to, and maybe not even then.
So there's no magic words you can say to get her to come around. You have to really believe, deep down, that you have every right to move on and find someone else if she's not giving you enough of what you're looking for to make it worth your while to stick around. Once she feels you being in that mindset, maybe she'll step up and actually convince you to stay. Or maybe you'll get to practice a better mindset in a new relationship, and you'll have some idea of the kind of mindset to stay out of.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
I'm taking some liberties here, but I've come to think of you as my kid brother who is making some bad mistakes and what's worse, possibly about to make some even bigger ones.
Brother, if I was there I'd smack you upside the head. You "would like to" postpone the wedding? Are you looking for her permission or something? How come when she's "depressed/sad" for a day you're all over it like a fat kid on a smartie, but when you're depressed for effing MONTHS over this, she tells you to get lost? And then you gave her a perfect opportunity to s*it on you again by asking for sex? Time to grow a pair, you know what I'm saying? Do yourself and your future relationships a favor and get "No More Mr. Nice Guy".
Here's what I think happens with a lot of LD wives. Maybe with LD husbands too, but I'm only an expert on LD wives. I think there's a power imbalance at play. And when the woman has too much power, there is no desire.
Let me take some guesses, you tell me if it fits your bill:
-You consider yourself very romantic. Flowers for no reason, phone calls just to say I love you, that sort of thing. -You like to spoil her, especially at birtdays, Christmas, etc -You are always concerned with how she is feeling, what you can do to make her happy -Her friends have been known to say how lucky she is to have you because of how wonderful you are to her -You feel that because of the romantic gestures, you will make her so happy that she will desire you
Essentially, you worship her, and as long as she has that power over you, she will never change. All you did by trying to console her was show her exactly where she stands: on a pedestal with you wrapped around her pinky finger.
She is not concerned in the least about your feelings, and she never will be. LD/HD problems are not insurmountable, but only if a)both parties can even agree that there's a problem and b)both parties are willing to do what it takes to improve.
Dude, I wish I could make you understand the pain you will face for the rest of your life if you continue with this relationship. I'm talking P-A-I-N. The kind of pain that makes me cry some mornings on the drive to work, pain so bad that I don't think I'll ever be happy again, pain that is so all encompassing that even though I love my kids from the bottom of my heart, I wish I had never married my wife. Can you imagine what it's like for a guy who loves his kids so much to admit that he wishes he never married his wife? I'm so ashamed of it, but that is the kind of pain I'm in, my friend. And because of those kids that I love so much, I'm stuck with it for probably the next 20 years, on top of the 10 years I've already gone through. 30 years of gut-wrenching pain. I could rob a dozen banks and be free in less than that!
Please, please tell me this is getting through to you. Please, please tell me you are going to end this relationship NOW. Just get up, say goodbye and walk. Even though you're a stranger, I can't stomach the thought of you doing what I and so many others here have done. Please, put my mind at ease and let us all know that you've left her. Please.
Hey BlueJay thank you for sharing, I don't really fit the bill of being the very romantic spoiling type, I do treat her pretty well, but nothing that would make you sick. I'm not whipped or anything, except perhaps in the sex dept. She holds all the cards there. In the past I have handled the sex thing in an angry way and have been trying a softer approach. I'm angry cause of the pain caused by the rejections. I told her the wedding date is off until she is willing to address the prob/ work on the solution, and I'll stick to that. I can't help but blame some of this on myself though. She's been abused in her past, maybe I'm not patient enough about that, or haven't tried to help her out with that. I blow up on her all the time when I get rejected, (Which I've tried to stop). She will still have sex 1 or maybe (big maybe) 2 times a week if were getting along. It's just not enough for my personal needs, plenty for some ppl though I'm sure. Are we compatable for each other sexually and does she care that my needs aren't being met? Answer to the first question is no, but the 2nd question I'm still not 100% on yet, and I know everyone thinks she doesn't care, but you all only have the limited info I can convey to you in 2 days. I have to ride it out longer, to make sure. She's very important to me. She puts up with all my [censored] and is really fair and loving in all other areas but this. I'm heeding everyones advice, but its hard to cut off your right arm, she is a fixture in my life. I have decided however, I will end this relationship if I can't get anywhere in the next few months with her.
you've told her basically, "We're not getting married, until you give me more frequent sex".
With a statement like that, there is a high likelyhood that [IF she values marriage to you for other reasons], that she will give you sex... UNTIL YOU GET MARRIED. Then it's right back to her old ways.
The biggest problem isnt sex. Obviously, that is A big problem. But the far bigger problem, is that she doesnt care when you have an issue with something, that she doesnt consider important.
Even if you "fix" the sex problem... whether temporarily, or permenantly.. you will have a lousy marriage to such a woman.
If someone truely, unselfishly loves you... they will do just about anything for you that isnt detrimental to your relationship.
She doesnt love you like that. If she did, she would have already been ready and willing to look for ways to "help" you.
You cant "fix" that. That's something that is entirely in her hands, and no amount of pressure from your side, can change that.
It's possible for someone to change like that for the better. I did. but it took me many years. I wouldnt hold your breath waiting for your fiancee to change.
You're not married. The reason to fight so hard in marriage, is that you have made a commitment to be with that person "for the rest of your lives".
You're not married to her. You havent made a commitment to her. Go find someone who's better deserving of such a commitment.
Yes, you're "in love" with this woman.
No, that doesnt mean it's a good idea to marry her.
Last edited by Dom R; 11/16/0706:19 AM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
And if your fiancee were here, I would ask her why she is sticking with you, taking such verbal abuse from you over sex (especially when she has sexual abuse in her past), and WHY she is putting up with your crap. You've tried to stop getting angry at her? Really? Why are you even angry with her in the first place?
Rejection hurts, of course. But so does getting land blasted because you aren't putting out... and you ALREADY KNOW of one very painful issue from her past that may be causing her a great deal of problems. Then you GO BACK to the trough, try again, get rejected again... and get angry all over again!!
So the two of you are emotionally lacerating one another... because you love each other so much?
Well. That makes perfect sense.
I know, you'll say it isn't always like that, you don't fight like that all the time. And I very seriously hope not... that you are fighting like that AT ALL makes my stomach roil.
Yeah, I think counseling might be a really good idea... for BOTH of you. Separately.
Dude, I wish I could make you understand the pain you will face for the rest of your life if you continue with this relationship. I'm talking P-A-I-N. The kind of pain that makes me cry some mornings on the drive to work, pain so bad that I don't think I'll ever be happy again, pain that is so all encompassing that even though I love my kids from the bottom of my heart, I wish I had never married my wife. Can you imagine what it's like for a guy who loves his kids so much to admit that he wishes he never married his wife? I'm so ashamed of it, but that is the kind of pain I'm in, my friend. And because of those kids that I love so much, I'm stuck with it for probably the next 20 years, on top of the 10 years I've already gone through. 30 years of gut-wrenching pain. I could rob a dozen banks and be free in less than that!
I just wanted to let everyone know that, no, BlueJay is not some new name I came up with to post twice the amount of heartbreaking, sometimes cynical, sometimes humorous, advice to brothers from another mother.
Sorry to hear/feel/live your pain, brother BlueJay.
bluejay, welcome aboard. You're wise and I hope you stick around and tell us more of your story. I do know the tears over the hurt of rejection... and I'm not even married to the guy and no children are involved. I'm just stupid.
This thread is SO directed straight at me! These are all the things I need to hear.
It's ironic (and possibly a message straight from God) that Bluejay is directly related to my bf's primary nickname. In fact, when I saw the name, I had this fleeting thought...
Yes, this thread is me for the last 2 years! Pain, pain and more pain. It is unbearable...
I told mine x-fiance, who is still living in my home, that she could stay as a roommate for a year until she finished nursing school. The condition was that she pay for utilities and cook. I pay for the food and discontinue all other support such as cell phones and gas.
This was two weeks ago and she agreed. I did notice that she was still wearing the engagement right. I thought this was strange but didn't say anything. We have been sleeping apart for awhile now. Man, do I feel so much better!
She asked me last night "Are you talking to other womwn?". I said "Yes, and why does it matter? We are split up and I will not bring another women home.". Well, she finally took off the ring and layed it on my nightstand. Damn! what does it take for her?
She wanted to talk and talk about hiw "she thought that since we were apart that maybe we could start dating again and see how it works out". I said "No, I am done... This has been going on for almost 2 years! You have broke me, I am finished....goodnight".
I am leaving to go out of town for the holidays. What a reprieve I need from her. No more drama!
