All hope is lost/help

[25yearsmlc]

Dis,

You have lots to figure out and you can re-read my long post to you b/c some of it applies to these "new" questions.

When he calls, IF you answer (and don't answer on the first ring or call, but don't go over board with the games either) be warm and upbeat. LISTEN LIKE A LOVER is what my DB coach said, which to you and me means Listen like a best friend,...don't try to "fix it" so much as listen and validate...you want to be the one he runs to when he's in pain AND when he is joyful and celebratory.

Minimze the length of the talks, bring up NO R TALK and if he does, just listen and if he's really vague say you don't know what he means. If he remains vague, further convo is wasteful. He should call you when he has something to say. Be gentler than I just sounded though.

I'm too tired to write more. Keep posting. Post here rather than calling him. and get some goals and boundaries and try them out here first, and we'll help you clarify.
j=

[Evie]

Update since Monday.

Have started to look for a C.
Have inquired about starting a college course in January.
Have ignored all calls and emails from H while i'm at work (180).
Switch mobile off during work time.
Have not gone to yoga this week, but have enjoyed the time at home with the children.
Went out with a friend for dinner on Tuesday and i'm going out for dinner tonight.(will be dressed up and looking great when H picks the boys up).

H called to speak to the boys last night and asked to speak to me. He asked if I would like to go late night xmas shopping one night next week. I said I would love to go and what a great idea. (last year, he wouldn't do this).

I have noticed a couple of things, but am not reading anything into it:

H hung around for quite a bit on Tuesday when he collected S1 for an activity, I was in the bath and didn't get out. I had gone out for dinner by the time he got back with son from activity, he asked D's where I was.

He was early this morning to collect boys, normally he misses me as I have already left.

Maybe a coinicidence, maybe not.

25yearsmlc - you are right about me obssessing, and it doesn't help because of the amount of daily contact we have, I'm trying to address that. I'm going to take S1 to his activity next week, so that h doesn't need to be in the house on Tuesday and i'm not inviting him for lunch this sunday. I shall also get the business stuff ready for him to take on the days he needs it, so that S or myself don't have to drop it off to him.

I feel better not speaking to him so much. I would normally have written him a letter to state boundaries etc but decided against doing this and let my actions speak for themselves

I hope this sounds a bit more proactive?

XD

[Evie]

Update on this morning, because i feel like s**t now.

H emailed me first thing about a holiday he had on hold for 16/12 for the boys and himself. He wanted to know if i minded if he took some money from the business and another account to fund it.

I'm afraid i reacted negatively (not to the holiday, but the funding, I said what he had, I wanted) and have got drawn into an email banter with him, saying totally the wrong things and been totally selfish and resulting in H now been angry with me and saying some reactive things, some are far comment, some are not, but it basically boils down to a lack of communication & misunderstanding. I have emailed to say i'm sorry and asked him NOT to contact me at work, because i'm too busy to think and make the right decision. I said we need to discuss boundaries on spending as we seem to differ on opinions.

Tomorrow is another day.

[cat03]

sorry the exchange went bad, it is to be expected, this are not the best circumstances,don't beat yourself down about it. You did say the right thing at the end, you are both learning to deal with everyday things while separated, it's a whole new world.
Hugs, feel better)))))))

[grid, lost]

cat03,
what is the book "Tough Love" about? As related to everyones rollacoster?

[grid, lost]

disappointed,
I hear your pain and sounds as deep as mine. I'm learning from you, please keep posting

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Dis,

all in all I'd say your 180's are working, even if you take 2 steps forward and then one step backward. You're at least doing a 180'!! and you're setting boundaries one at a time, figuring them out as you go, like we all did.

As for the money issues, wow, that's so tough with the business partnership. What does the future hold on that issue if things don't work out as a couple? Will you be alright financially? You will need to start thinking about this b/c your kids will need that from you, no matter what your h says he'll do.

I'm NOT saying give up, I'm saying "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" and trust that the love you once had is still there, maybe hidden under your H's MLC or whatever...trust that it will resurface when he can take a breath and look at his life objectively.
You are doing better than you realize. Way to go on going out with friends, being hot looking when he sees you and MINIMIZING painful contacts with h!!
This is not about punishing him or "teaching him a lesson" it's about giving him the space he needs.
j-

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Dis,

all in all I'd say your 180's are working, even if you take 2 steps forward and then one step backward. You're at least doing a 180'!! and you're setting boundaries one at a time, figuring them out as you go, like we all did.

As for the money issues, wow, that's so tough with the business partnership. What does the future hold on that issue if things don't work out as a couple? Will you be alright financially? You will need to start thinking about this b/c your kids will need that from you, no matter what your h says he'll do.

I'm NOT saying give up, I'm saying "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" and trust that the love you once had is still there, maybe hidden under your H's MLC or whatever...trust that it will resurface when he can take a breath and look at his life objectively.
You are doing better than you realize. Way to go on going out with friends, being hot looking when he sees you and MINIMIZING painful contacts with h!!
This is not about punishing him or "teaching him a lesson" it's about giving him the space he needs.
j-

[Evie]

25yearsmlc, cat & grid,

thank you for your support and helping me to 'see the light'. I am feeling a lot better now that i have something to focus on.

We have talked about the business in the future, but we talked before the split. We decided that the business would become a Ltd company if needs be. That would mean that we would draw a salary each from it, it wouldn't be as flexible as now, but it is an option that we have agreed upon if needs must. We do need to keep the business going as it is a huge financial asset to us both and for all our hard work and unsociable hours it has paid for a very comfortable life, albeit maybe at the cost of our M!! I did suggest we sold it or got a manager in, but the type of work it is doesn't lend itself to a manager and the suggestion to sell fell on deaf ears, I was considering 'quality of life' but H likes a high standard of living to the point that he has high expectations from his family to be workaholics.

Playing mind games or teaching h a lesson do not come naturally to me, I know i overreact when i'm hurt. I am learning to try and be more objective and calmer in the situations that provoke a knee jerk reaction from me, I need to think about things before i react.

Update on last night - Was all glamoured up for my dinner date with my friend when H came to collect boys. He had booked a skiing holiday for himself and boys for 16/12 - tradionally our annual holiday, so i feel sad that I won't get to see S2 on his first skiing holiday and I felt H was little insensitive telling the boys all about it in front of me. However, I was running late and said I had to rush. H asked me if i was going to the gym (!!! perhaps he failed to notice my atire, make up and hair do) anyway, i said no, made a fuss of saying goodbye to teh boys and avoided telling him where I was going. Within in an hour i received the first text of H - which I ignored. I had a 2nd text and a phone call, also ignored because he KNEW i was out. I was in the car coming home when he called, and by this time i was getting worried something as wrong with the boys, but reassured myself he hadn't left a VM so things couldn't have been to bad. Read the texts when i got home at 10.45 pm, 1st one said 'would I like to talk later as we never get chance to speak?' and the 2nd text said 'can i call you', then the call. I texted him back and asked if boys were ok, was he ok and ok to call me if he wanted. He called straight away. He asked if I was ok and he wanted to clear the air about the afternoon's misunderstanding, was I ok about his holiday, i said i was sad that I would miss S2 skiing for the first time. I was calm and softly spoken. After the call he then text me to ask if i was ok to go xmas shopping next week. I said I was.

Had another call and email this morning. He called directly after i had read the email, I couldn't ignore the call because if he had a read receipt on email, he would know i was ignoring him. He had news which I guess was urgent, about one of our employees.

XD

[25yearsmlc]

I think on the whole these are positives as "somethin' ain't right with him and all these stalker calls. He senses you are pulling away and that MIGHT pull him back but he'll continually doubt any changes in you are real, so stay at them.

Keep the upbeat happy woman with fun, friends, children she adores, who is interesting AND interested, in short ---BE A WOMAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE--- that should be the motto

Keep up the good work and tell him if you must, that you don't always know where he is so you don't constantly interupt what he's doing. You'd like the same sensitivity from him at this time. You know, a little Privacy for now? HE HAS IT, why can't you? Be a LITTLE mysterious, a little more detached, after all, thanks to HIM, HE"S gotten YOU having to think about being single again. You've discovered it isn't all totally nightmarish for a woman like YOU...in fact, truth be told, part of you is actually starting to look forward to the things you're finding that YOU want to do. Even when it hurts to do it. Fake it til you make it actually describes a new behavioral modification theory. Actions creating feelings rather that waiting for a feeling to come before you do the act (ie Behave lovingly, and chances are you will feel more love///and get more)

Keep posting and keep on keepin' on.
j-