Not so sure anymore

[Sara]

Hi Histuff,

It's nice to hear from you. I'm glad that you are not a cold-hearted biotch, as you put it. That is important. And I'm sure if you were, HFF would not be so sad that his marriage is at this point. We would like to hear your side of the story. Of course, we are not professional counselors or anything like that. We are people with lives and problems of our own. We come here and often find people who understand. Sometimes, we find people who tell us to quit feeling sorry for ourselves and fix the mess we're in. So it's not all hugs and pats on the back.

My take on the situation is that you are looking for love and understanding from a man other than your husband, for whatever reason. I don't know your reasons. I will admit that I once did that too. I could not seem to get what I needed at home. I watched Dr. Phil and he said that we needed to ask our spouse for what we needed. So I had a conversation with my H about that. And I told him I needed to be loved. He said "OK." And that was the end of that. So Dr. Phil did not solve my problem.

In my situation things came to a crisis point not when I had an affair, but many years later when my husband had one. I had always thought of him as sort of a consolation prize. I would keep him unless something better came along. And in 27 years, nothing better did come along. But that didn't make me happy with him. Then he had an affair, and I realized that someone else wanted him. That I not only could, but I had already lost him. So it was time to really think about what I wanted.

And for my own reasons, I decided that the life we had built wasn't so bad. I wanted to keep it. But I had a lot of work to do to get it back.

A friend suggested Retrouvaille to me. I'd never heard of it. But we had tried marital counseling several years ago, and it was not cheap, and led nowhere. So I wasn't anxious to try it again. The idea of 2 days to go somewhere and be taught how to work on the marriage sounded good. After all, it was a retreat. At least we would get away.

We went to Retrouvaille in January, 2007. And the most amazing thing happened. I'm not kidding. I went in there with all my hurt feelings from 27 years, and he went in with his hostility, and it all melted away. In 2 days. I still can't explain how it works.

So if you are willing to make any effort at all to save your marriage and all that you have built with your husband in I don't know how many years, I suggest you give Retrouvaille a try. It is only 2 days of your life. What do you do on a weekend that is more important?

The website is http://www.helpourmarriage.com. A list of locations and weekends is available on the website. You have a man who wants to work with you. Maybe he doesn't know how. Maybe you don't know how. But in only 2 days they can teach you. That is so much easier, and in the end better, than starting all over with someone new. I'll tell you the truth, there isn't anybody out there without baggage, I've checked.

[hopeforfuture]

Sorry this got so long....Since you all know that I've been reading my husband posts I will respond with my side and opinions.

I need to head home now, but I just wanted to post really quick here to acknowledge that my W has posted on the site. I was actually quite stunned when I started reading this. I really want to take the time to respond to this, so I'll have to get back here later tonight. I'm very interested to see some others responses. (Sara, you were very tactful. Thank you)

[Dr LOve]

Sorry this got so long....

Histuff,

There is no such thing as too long. it takes what it takes.

Since you all know that I've been reading my husband posts I will respond with my side and opinions. It's funny that I have to go online and sneak a peek at his posts to find out what he is feeling and thinking. You'd think that if he wanted to make this marrige work he'd talk to me about what is on his mind instead of having to talk to "strangers" this way.
[/quote]



How hard have you tried to communicate? I don't know your sitch but if you wee unhappy did you tell him? Did you say that you were so unhappy that if WE did not get help you were going to have an affair?

Over the past 13 years this has always been a major issue during our disagreements. I say disagreements because we never actually fight. Some people say this is good, but sometimes you need to just do it, just fight. We don't "fight" per se so apparently everything is just ducky.

This is common. My W and I never "fight" I always backed down.
this can be a prioblem becase we lose respect for each other.

I know this is a source of support for him, it's made him feel better, given him some suggestions, etc. So I've resigned myself to just let it go.

This is 100% right.

It really doesn't matter where he gets the support i guess - i would just think that family would be better. JMHO

this is also right, tell me why did you go to the OG then?

As far as my reasoning for wanting to divorce

Ok then ask for and get a divorce. Why would you want to have an affair?
You are talking two diferant things here. Did you think that two marriges being being distroyed would bring you happiness? What about the OG wife? What about the kids? Being unhappy and wanting a divorce is one thing. but and affair is totaly diferant. Yes the OG was not the cause for your affair. That was a desision YOU made.
Get er done. Finish one job.(marrriage) BEFORE you start looking for your next.

- i've said it over and over again to my H that it has nothing to do with OG. The OG happened because I haven't been happy. I'm no longer seeing OG, last I talked to him (weeks ago) he and his W were going to counseling and working on their own marriage.

this is great at least the OG is trying now leave him alone.

HFF - you have agreed that you know that OG is not the reason i want a divorce. You have realized OG happened because I have not been happy. It cannot be blamed on that situation.

See above comments

I am a child of divorce

[/quote]

this says it all. You know what can happen. Why not try to help your self, help your kids, help the situation.

You are not a bad person. you made some bad desisions. We all have felt the same way as you. We all have seeked understanding. Most of us here have done that here. Maybe if you had looked here first this would not have happened.
there are two seprate issues here. You being unhappy and YES the OG had nothing to do with that.
But
the affair he had 50% if that. I am sure he has a mouth am I right? Could he not have TALKED to you. Talked to your husband.
He COULD HAVE SAID NO. Just like i have in the past and I am sure your Husband also has had "Opertunitys" to cheat.as
For Your unhappyness no the OG had nothing to do with that. That was you. As for the AFFAIR The OG is NOT innocent.

Do you understand? Please respond to this post I would like to try to understand what you were thinking while persuing this OG. I am not saying your thinking was wrong. (the action was) but your thinking is just that. just like nobody can tell you how you feel only you know that.

Husband

[Michael Mc C]

Hello Histuff. I have to admit, part of me wishes my wife would come to this site. If not to see what I've been trying to accomplish than to get some support of her own - the "I'm thinking of leaving" thread might be a good start.

You'd think that if he wanted to make this marrige work he'd talk to me about what is on his mind instead of having to talk to "strangers" this way.

HFF's perspective could very well be that he has shared his feelings with you and told you what was on his mind. We are a hopeful, optimistic bunch here and it helps all of us to see what others have gone through, changes they have made to improve themselves and just to vent our feelings. These are things that we don't feel we can do with our spouses - which is terrible because these deeply emotional swings are exactly the type of things we WANT to be able to share.

Over the past 13 years this has always been a major issue during our disagreements.

A lack of effectiveness in communication seems to be a standard issue here. I thought I understood my wife and that I could tell when things were bothering her and that I knew what she needed. I have learned so much about the was she "ticks" over the past couple of months. I think someone needs to get our schools to start an "Effective Communicatoin is Relationships" class - maybe an offshoot of Health Class

I know this is a source of support for him, it's made him feel better, given him some suggestions, etc. So I've resigned myself to just let it go. It really doesn't matter where he gets the support i guess - i would just think that family would be better. JMHO

In my case, I would love to be able share with my wife and gain support from her. My wife says exactly the same things as you have said, however, so there is simply no way she could provide the support that I am looking for on this site - HFF probably feels the same.

As for other family members, I have learned that most friends and family, not having gone through this, are very quick to recommend the big D. We did not marry our spouses with the intention of giving up when things got tough, even if they get REALLY tough. We love our spouses and know that they, at least at one time, shared that love. We are not here to blame the spouse for marital issues or to punish our spouses. We are here to find where we've made mistakes, look for suggestions on how we can make our relationships better and, most importantly, to find how we can make ourselves better people.

As far as my reasoning for wanting to divorce - i've said it over and over again to my H that it has nothing to do with OG. The OG happened because I haven't been happy...

I believe this to be a true statement. My wife has said the same. It certainly hasn't helped though. Whether or not I agree, however, it's just not a good enough reason (and there really isn't one) for an A to occur. Rather than letting the OP to get in, wasn't there something that made you question what you were getting yourself into? My wife has told me that she had doubts, she couldn't understand why she was letting this happen when she was married to such a "great guy" (I swear, her words). It was at that point that I feel she should have stepped up and said "Listen buddy, you're about to lose me. We had better do something about this right now!" No hinting, no trying to reconnect on her own, no waiting to see if things get better in time. We're adults, we made commitments to each other and to our kids. It's time to sit us "clueless" spouses down and speak, regardless of how uncomfortable and painful it might be. Compare that to the discomfort being felt now.


Histuff - I urge you to continue posting. It might be a good idea to start your own thread. If not in this forum than in one of the many others. I am not the only one who has read your posting and thought "geez, that's exactly what my spouse has been saying/feeling". You may find that there are plenty of others on this site in exactly the same boat that YOU are in. You may not feel you need support but if you're going to be here anyway, you might as well take advantage of the experience of others. Again, I only wish my W would take a step as bold as this.

Best of luck!!

[tryingtoholdon]

Glad that you posted hisstuff. Right now you are running. Thinking you can find happiness elsewhere. You are running instead of fighting for this marriage and for your children. You are taking the easy way out and that is why the divorce rate is as high as it is.

It sounds like you have a husband that is willing to forgive you and also loves you very much. I hope you will at least consider that fact.

What is your side to the story?

[JoieDeVivre]

HFF,
Haven't heard from you ... hope all is as well as it can be. Please post when you can.

Joie

[hopeforfuture]

Yes i cry in the bathroom after dinner, i'm not a cold- hearted Biotch like everyone here thinks. HFF - you know that i am not.

I know that you are not a cold-hearted B*tch. I can definitely say (and I think someone else already made this comment) that I wouldn't still be here if I thought you were.

[Dr LOve]

Histuff,


talk to me... Please.... Maybe you can help me understand what my Wife is going thru.
I hope you don't think I was attacking you. You have all the right to feel the way you do. your feelings are yours. they are not right or wrong.

Husband