I don't criticize those who stand. I admire them. I also don't criticize those who choose to move on. I admire them as well. Particularly on this MLC thread we read horrendous stories of mental and emotional abuse heaped on otherwise decent human beings under the all too forgiving umbrella of MLC. It's not a sign of personal weakness to reach a point where you say enough is enough. It's not unreasonable to one day say that too much damage has been done.
And by the same token, there is nothing at all wrong with the person who intends to stand forever. Nothing at all.
I wanted to say EXACTLY this
And I had to come to work today, and just logged on, and saw that MMF a man I respect so much, and has helped so much , wrote such a powerful post.
And I am happy to see that it has stayed cordial
I came here wanting to stand forever
and God has given me another path
I moved over to surviving, b/c I felt like I needed to just let go of restoration and just move on.
But I will help anyone I can in their stand
I also do not feel like I have given up.
I took a stand for myself
and my children
and yes it is a shame that my kids will come from a "broken home"
but I swear I will do as much as I can as a single parent to make this "broken home" full of peace, and values, and love.
I don't feel God loves me any less b/c I am getting a Divorce
some people just are on different paths
I believe that the MLC board and all the other boards, have a good purpose
and that is help. I don't think anyone comes here looking to hook up
I think that if that happens, then Be respectful to yourselves first, and then of others.
Just like in any situation.
God loves all of us
standers, non standers,, lickers, smoochers
He loves us all.
Great to see everyone's opinions.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
I want to thank everyone who has read this and those that have posted. I believe that this board is full of people with great courage and love. You have been hurt so deeply and I share that pain.
I do not regret what I posted and would do so again without changing a word. I do want to reiterate that my comments are not saying that anyone should be unwelcome on this board or treated poorly. You all have value and can help so many here. My point was simply that we need to consider our comments and how they affect the central theme of this board (and its participants)and that is to restore marriages. I do agree that the board provides support for those that have been devastated by divorce and realizing that life is not over. The board would be incomplete without support for those that fought the battle and the marriage did not survive.
Someday my stand will end. Either my marriage will be restored or circumstances beyond my control will prevent that from ever happening. I hope to do what so many others have on this board and continue supporting those that are trying to see their marriage restored by being a voice that is counter to general opinion. As Michele is quoted on the homepage of this site, "We specialize in helping people get their marriages back on track. Even if everyone is telling you to move on, don't be discouraged."
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I do also think it is important to remember that the Bible says we are released of our vows if adultery has been committed by our spouse. That does not mean we have to stop standing of course, but it does mean that even in God's eyes, something terrible has happened to us and we are not expected to stand if we feel we cannot do it anymore. I think everyone reaches their turning point in their own time. Sometimes the turning point is the spouse coming home and a new marriage begins. Sometimes papers are filed and divorces go through. And none of us can predict the outcomes; we just have to let things fall as they may.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
the Bible says we are released of our vows if adultery has been committed by our spouse
I have a question about this.
I'm a Stander, we all know that. But when there has been adultery, is there something offical Biblically that needs to happen to return the situation to the vow... because some that take back their spouse may change their mind later--perhaps in their own MLC. Returners can become Standers, Biblically do they lose on the argument since they committed adultery? I hope not.
So, I'm just wondering if anyone knows if there is some official procedure--vow renewal or something.
RCR AS I understand it, the Bible, and specifically Christian teaching in the Gospels tells us that we MAY divorce for adultery. It is not obligatory by any means. I often think we focus too much on sexual sin, and forget all teh other ways that we do wrong to each other. I do not condone adultery. It is a terrible betrayal of our marriage vows.
Forgiveness - well for a full and true reconciliation I believe that the adulterer has to repent, but they may not be able to do that until after they have returned, and begun to realise what they have really done.
Christ's words on the cross were to ask His Father to forgive his tormentors and executioners because they did not know what they were doing. Our Christian life should try to be an imitation of Christ. It is the hardest path, to forgive others, as we wish to be forgiven. As we move on with our Christian journey we start to realise the extent of our sinfulness, and be less judgemental and more forgiving of others . .. . For me it is a hard and rocky path. I am not a good forgiver, but I am work in progress!!
There was also the hard hearted escape clause. If the wife's heart has hardened beyond any possible change, the husband can write the wife a letter of release from the M and put her on the curb.
Adultery was not the only just cause. And yet, folks here have stood for their M fully knowing of adultery and being the daily victim of a hardened heart. Nothing in the Bible says one is required to endure this situation, nor does it say we should not. Turning the other cheek is great when one is allowed to do so.
I recall that a man taking the divorced wife back is an adulterer. The first M was recognized and sex outside that M is adultery. Laws were simple and basic with little room for appeal. If things were that way today, who knows?
Some laws were not written as mutual. The man was allowed to write a letter of release to the woman, as I recall.
MMF, Thank you so much for your post. I am going to have to print it to really drink it all in. But we are definitely on the same page. I have been standing for my marriage even though I have been officially D'd since June of '06. I believe in the covenant that I made. From the outside looking in I have to admit that I understand why others think I am crazy.
At some point though, no matter how hard we may try and pray for the restoration of our marriage we need to rise up out of the ashes and start moving on with our lives.
I listen to a lot of Joel Osteen, and I have his dvd series "Letting Go of the Past" and he refers to this. He indicates that we should not mourn forever (my words) ... there is a time for mourning but then it is time for us to rise out of the ashes and be warriors and move on to become the great person that God wants us to become.
My problem is that I do not want to believe that I am in a state of mourning. Mourning in my mind happens when there is a "death" or "loss". If there is a death or loss then there is no hope for restoration. And as of yet I am not able to give up the hope that my family will be able to be restored.
At some point though, no matter how hard we may try and pray for the restoration of our marriage we need to rise up out of the ashes and start moving on with our lives.
I do not use the words "move on" or :moving on." I use the wpords move forward. Why? because we should always be moving forward with our lives no matter what state in which we find ourselves.
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My problem is that I do not want to believe that I am in a state of mourning. Mourning in my mind happens when there is a "death" or "loss". If there is a death or loss then there is no hope for restoration. And as of yet I am not able to give up the hope that my family will be able to be restored.
First, Nutcase, your old marriage is dead. That does not mean you have to renege on your vows. Obviously, the old marriage led you here. So mourn the old marriage because any marriage that would be restored cannot be the old marriage. It has to be a new one. As for giving up hope, you still have a family. It is just a different form. I have been divorced for 6 1/2 years yet we (ex, sons and me) are still a family.
With everything you said, it would seem you are not letting go of the past. You have to let go of the past because there is no going back to the wat it was.
I am not a religious person, but I did believe I married for life or I would not have married at all. My H is with an OW. He left 6 months ago after a year long affair. I have been with this man for more than half my life and love him dearly. It destroyed me. I was unable to function, eat, sleep, work, or do anything for months. I have been in IC twice a week and am doing a specialized therapy for PTSD. Even after all this I am willing to work on me and save my marriage. I have been able to forgive my H and would stay married if he wanted to return.
I have done this alone. I have one son, but he lives far away. Most of our mutual friends or family do not call or support my desire to save my marriage.
Meanwhile, the OW my H is with was left by her H. He ran off with a 23 year old (he is 50). This OW did not do anything to save her relationship. She lives in anger. She came to me as a friend for support, which I gave her, and then began an affair with my H while I was out of town. This OW still wants her X back, yet she continues to see my H. Not that it is all her, my H is part of it, but she has used her pain as a LBS to justify an affair with a married man. (Her words in an email to me.)
In all these months, I have met very few people who supported me in saving my marriage. Most either believe I am either a fool or that I should hate my H and never see him again. Some try just to be supportive of whatever happens, but never advise either way as they don't want to "take sides". Only one friends actively tried to help reunite us. One friend(ex)knew of the affair and actively helped keep it going. He cheated on his first wife and left her, thus thought my H should do the same.
I say all this, because I agree with you. There seems to be very little support in society to save a marriage these days. Yet, there is great support to go out and have a new relationship, even if you are married. I cannot tell you the number of people that have told me get a BF as a stand in for GAL. It is as if relationships or marriages are like cars. If one wears out, trade it in and drive off.
Perhaps if the OW in my case had stuck it out and worked on herself, I would not be here. Perhaps if the 23 year old had not been willing to be with the OW's X, he might have gone home. Some where along the way people have decided their vows or promises mean nothing. But the people they affairs with have also decided that vows mean nothing. And society seems to back them up.
So what does all this rambling mean? I choice to stick it out. I have not dated, nor will I. If my H chooses to divorce me, I will let him go as he is free to do so. However, the saddest thing I have learned in all this mess, is how little value we as a society put on marriage. Just in my case, 5 adult lives and 3 children have been effected. Not to mentions all the rest of our families. Countless boards on the internet are filled with LBSs like me. When do we say stop?
