What a good year this has been.....

[forever21]

I called and left a message for my therapist telling him I could really use to see him if he had an opening between now and my next appointment, which isn't until Monday the 26th.

The things my H is saying to me on these texts are getting ridiculous. Well, not that they weren't already but it clearly seems abusive now.

[forever21]

Thanks, Kev!!!!!!

I'm sure you're right about the deadline.

You are doing really well staying strong in the face of his full-court press. It's the right thing for YOU, don't forget that - what's best for him is SECONDARY to what's best for you...

Thank you. I'm trying. I will try to keep that in my head today. I need to get showered and ready so I can make this bus in order to get across town and pay our mortgage. I still need to see if there's enough money available even.

He is saying I am selfish and that he can't believe what I'm doing after all he's done for me... staying married to me so I have health care, making sure I had a roof over my head, making sure I got on my feet, blah blah blah. He says he feels like he got f#@ked and is being used and played by me. I know better. I am the one that screwed myself in many ways by putting myself last in this M. I haven't felt successful exactly at getting on my feet, but I've done my best in the situation. I've tried to maintain some mental health and I made sure the bills got paid even though he was spending all of our money. I've lived off credit cards over this last year. Yes, I was enabling, I see that. I was working hard in many ways not to be, and I know I wasn't simply failing at that, but he hasn't exactly helped me out.

Sorry for the negativity. What's best for him is secondary to what's best for me. Got it.

Thank you so much. It means a lot. I just want to sit here and cry but I've got things to do.

[forever21]

Gee, I just noticed my thread title... what a good year this has been... lol. Seems funny right now, but I know this is a good year for me. Good doesn't mean everything is all sunshine and roses. This has been the year where I've really truly grasped that this marriage has not been good for me. I have learned to have hope for MY future.

[forever21]

Well, it was another challenging day. But there are positives, as usual. First and foremost that I feel hopeful, healthy, and grateful.

I did remind myself throughout the day that my needs come before H's.... to take care of numero uno. I have to say... I think I'm doing a good job at taking care of myself right now. I'm letting myself lean on my support network. I'm hopeful I can and will build that up so I'm not leaning too hard on anyone. My Mom has been very supportive and helpful. That's a huge positive for me, to be able to share and talk with her. We hung out for a few hours again tonight. I shared more still, but still not everything because I don't want her to be worrying about me. It's getting more and more comfortable to open up to her.

I had an icky experience this afternoon, but nothing terrible. And I didn't share this with my Mom. It was just more pressure from H, but it freaked me out. I ended up going to the police station, to talk with an officer. I felt threatened. I knew this wasn't something they could help me with but I hadn't felt the way I did before, my gut said something is really wrong and I could be in danger, and my friend thought I should make some sort of contact/report given the whole sitch. I understand that we can't take these situations like I'm in right now lightly, and I didn't want to ignore the advice of a friend looking out for me. The officer took my name and address so they can do drive-bys. He recommended I talk to my L and file a civil anti-harassment order if we think it will help the situation, but he reminded me that can sometimes make things worse.

This whole thing just feels wrong to me. Everyone's been saying the same thing. H acted quite crazy today. It seemed like something just snapped in him and the pressure escalated. He went from acting surprisingly nice to a whole new level of pressure and scare tactics within minutes. It's possible this is because I still won't take his calls, but I think I have to continue with that boundary for myself when he's acting like this.

His deadline that was the 24th changed again to this weekend, "maybe Monday". I'd thought he understood I'm open to negotiations once I've consulted with my attorney again, and that he just needed to wait to hear back from me. But I guess not. Is he just panicking because this is not on his terms and schedule? It looks like more than that. He says he is "not above asking for favors to get creative here. I am that desperate and this is that good of a thing for me. Still want to do it on my own and let you come out of this real good, but if you aren't willing to work with me here, I will get it done and then get my share of everything else too. Which will just be collateral for my favor to get this, but oh well..." There is so much more. I really don't understand it all but he's trying to scare me into taking this deal of his. He twice told me I have "been warned", followed with "I ain't playin", "I'm not bluffing." What is the hurry?

I see that this is likely just bullying to get what he wants and I could just treat this as poor business practice on his part, but there is more to the story that I think contributed to me feeling so threatened. Besides the fact that this isn't just "business" but a domestic issue, here are a few of the things off the top of my head... He's probably abusing drugs and alcohol. He admitted in August he was trying to "cope in a healthy way". Each month usually on the 20th he makes a large purchase at a drugstore which is likely prescription pain pills. He usually makes a liquor store purchase the same day. (oh, btw, he said last week that he isn't "really" drinking anymore) The OW (who he isn't seeing anymore either, btw) has a criminal background. And there have been some checks that have cleared our account in the last few weeks that I need to investigate. I also don't know where he is getting the money for this home purchase that he says he stands to lose if it falls through, or how much that amounts to.

Anywho, I'm at home with my doggies and feel safe for some reason.

[NikB]

f21 funny you say that, I was thinking the same thing about your thread title. But you know what? Every time I read it, it makes me feel good - reminds me of your growth and strength, even on those not-so-great days for you.

I think you are ABSOLUTELY doing a great job taking care of you. It's something I started to learn in San Diego (from you) and have put more into place over time. I hate making other people worry, so I can relate there.

Wow your afternoon experience sounds pretty scary - I'm glad you looked out for yourself but I hope it wasn't anything major.

TRUST YOUR GUT on the rest of this... I've ignored mine and regretted it so many times, and it's a darn good indicator of what to do or not do. And no offense meant but your H seems a lot crazier than mine has been so far.. the up and down within a few minutes is just scary.

No need to answer here if you don't want to but - IS he offering you some great amazing deal that he'll sign off on??? It doesn't seem like it but I'd hate to see you miss out on something if he actually is. If not.. he's just being a jerk and trying to push you into signing something that's not a good idea. None of this legal stuff moves that fast unless it's fishy, IMO.

Glad you are home, enjoying your doggies, and feeling safe.

[forever21]

Thanks, Nikki. Really nice to hear from you. Not surprising you thought the same thing about my thread title. It could sure be said that this is proving to be a "bad" year... one of, if not, the worst... as it is, and has been, in many ways. The way I'm choosing to look at it (for my own sanity probably) is in a positive light. Of course that's not always possible, but that's what I try to do. Gotta have hope in life. Really, the bad stuff has been doing me a favor.... helping me move on... opening doors and showing me some light. Thank you very much for the compliments. Wow. It makes me feel really good to know that reading my thread title makes you feel like that.

It feels good to know that I helped make a positive difference for you. Thank you for sharing that. It was great meeting you back in the Spring. It's all a journey, isn't it? I believe each of us are really doing the best we can at any given point in time. My mom and I were just talking about that last night. We went over to the bookstore because she wanted me to read the book Who Moved My Cheese? Good little book and story. She read it a few months ago for her job... her employer is big on it. Us DBers know what cheeseless tunnels are already, but that book's a nice reminder to Move with The Cheese and leaves you with a good feeling. Nothing eye-opening for me but helpful nonetheless.

Yesterday proved there is more to be mindful of, that's for sure. I've no doubt the reason I didn't end the day feeling fearful is because I did listen to my gut and took action. I see that it's very important I continue to act right now. One of my goals is to address more of the tasks on my semi-urgent to-do list each day. Really glad I picked up more of my doc's anxiety tincture this week. Proved to be a smart proactive move on my part.

No need to answer here if you don't want to but - IS he offering you some great amazing deal that he'll sign off on??? It doesn't seem like it but I'd hate to see you miss out on something if he actually is. If not.. he's just being a jerk and trying to push you into signing something that's not a good idea. None of this legal stuff moves that fast unless it's fishy, IMO.

I hear ya, NikB. He is in fact offering a deal that's too good to be true. Believe me, I too don't want to miss out on a great opportunity here. As much as it might appear I should sign, my understanding from my meeting with the L is that there'd still be too great a risk. Without more information, the concern is he could still screw me over in the end by filing for bankruptcy... but he would be left with a home of his own to live in that'd be protected so long as he made the payments on it. I could be left with our home if he signed a quit claim on it like he was offering, if I could keep up with the payments... and I don't know if there is as much equity in this house right now as he'd like to think there is. Could be, but I don't know even under the best of circumstances.

Here's an example of how I'm having to think.... one thought off the top of my head... he could be in such a rush because he's taken out another loan against our house that I don't yet know about. I need to download copies of credit reports, go into my bank to look further into the suspicious activity (which I didn't have time for yesterday), etc, etc. He just wants my signature on that quit claim SO bad and NOW, and in the whole picture I have a lot of suspicion. As Kman reminded me.... if there's any doubt, don't sign the deal. I really need to talk with the L again. But H may be too impatient. He may be very afraid right now because he's at risk of being caught at something. That could explain his behavior.

If the risk can be removed for me somehow, then great, I'd love to sign a good deal. I can only do what I can do though, and this isn't an emergency for anyone but H. You'd think he has someone after him. And he just might. More reason he'd be desperate enough to screw me over. Back when I didn't have so much messing with my head, I was active in option trading. I'm not a risk adverse person is what I'm saying. But this doesn't look right... doesn't look like a "good" deal to me at this point in time. Doesn't mean a good deal won't present itself soon, but it's not right now. Does that make sense?

Wow, I've been long-winded. Thanks again!!! You're a real sweetheart. I'm so happy for you and how well you're doing and feeling lately. Have a great weekend! Sounds like you will.

[forever21]

Hi all.

I'm feeling much, much... better!

This afternoon I totally just started laughing at my H's texts, and didn't let it stress me at all. Yay!

I have another appointment with my L on Wednesday morning. He's thinking I might want to file for legal separation rather than D, simply because it provides a more immediate financial protection for me. I can roll with that, as I certainly want to be protected. He said it's a good idea for people in my situation, because filing for D wouldn't provide that protection for me here until it was final and H is too unpredictable. There's a 90-day minimum waiting period here for D. But the legal separation is 6 months, and you cannot file for D in that time.

Over the weekend when I started feeling less anxious and I was able to respond to H, I did. I needed to make sure I was trying everything I could to make something work out (with this quit claim he's wanting signed), if possible. I definitely took the high road with the email I wrote him in response to all of his attempted intimidation. He came back with more of the same, so I had my answer. He didn't really want to make this good for both of us like he says, he just wants that signed.

It's not surprising, but tonight he is hitting it pretty hard with still trying to beg me to sign that for him. I've told him I'd need to be legally protected, have agreements in place. It doesn't look like he really wants to do that. It's pretty darn funny... I mean, it's making me cry I laugh so hard.... how he is begging for me to do this for him, but only promising that later we will address everything else. So.... I'd need to "trust" him. He says "God, I would so not screw you".

It's just great to feel good about the actions I'm taking.

I went to church yesterday for the first time in, well, a long time. On my own, anyway. I did go with family at Easter (I think it was) and when my grandpa died. I had to walk about half an hour to get there, and it was raining some on my way home, but it was good for me.

My doggies are good. Life is good. I have hope for the future. Things are gonna be good.

[Kman]

f21-

Soooo glad to see that you're feeling this way. You are in EXACTLY the right frame of mind given his actions; they are absurd - and deserve a good chuckle...

Keep taking care of yourself - staying true to YOU and staying positive will get you through this and onward to your terrific future. Happy Thanksgiving-

Kev

[forever21]

Good evening, friends!

Today went by way too fast so far. I still have plenty of work to do, to prepare for my appointment with my L in the morning. I'm still feeling great though.

Felt a little stressed earlier today. Not too bad at all, just not as clear and/or confident as I'd like. I was trying to make sure I do everything I can to help H out too if it wouldn't hurt me, and not to pass up a genuinely good deal (if it was). And I know I am. My H said he was willing to run his deal by my L, and was continuing to pressure me into signing the quit claim by tomorrow. He was telling me I'm stubborn and that it wouldn't cost me anything to sign that for him, that he helped me out in the last year by not filing for D, blah blah blah. I talked with my brother briefly around noon, but that didn't leave me feeling any more clear.

My C called with a cancellation today, and there was enough time for me to catch a bus and make it there for that... so that was pretty nice. A student from Rwanda sat in for the session, and she offered me her advice at the end after he was done. He said I am not stubborn, I actually need to be more so. She said to know what I want and know that it's really okay to have that. They were both very helpful. Good karma today, I'd say.

I emailed my L right before I left the house, and he got back to me saying he didn't recommend the meeting with H. He was very clear. He said no matter how good of a proposal, he would still advise me against signing that tomorrow.... so it'd be a waste of time and money to all meet. He said I'd need to have a package together for my financial support, ready to submit to the courts, first... and that could take weeks. Makes perfect sense. I wasn't clear on that before. Feels great to be taking action on getting that package together in order to file. I know I'm doing everything I can, and I'm doing for me.

So, now I'll be getting back to H and there will likely be more spew to ignore. Things are looking up though.

Onward and upward.

[forever21]

Hey Kman!!

Almost missed your post. I hurried off to make dinner too quickly. Great to hear from you!

Thanks!!! You're so right, I am in the right frame of mind now. It's too bad I haven't been in this frame of mind the entire time, but that all serves a purpose. It sure is making it feel that much better now that I'm "there" again. It's a journey, that's for sure.

I've no doubt things will continue to look up for me. My future looks bright. I will absolutely stay true to me. Being positive helps so much, doesn't it? You are a great example of what a PMA can do for a person.

Thanks, and Happy Thanksgiving to you. Enjoy your family.