Look, okay.... sorry... I don't want to laugh at your pain or concern... but honey... what you are saying is akin to a small child saying that the adults can't see him because the kid has his eyes closed. And we all smile at the child, because from his POV, if he can't see others, they must not be able to see him.
It's a very simplistic view of the world, and you want her to see things YOUR way. That is what we are all trying to tell you. You can't change her, and no amount of support, understanding, terms and conditions and counseling is going to change that.
You are still trying to change her, still trying to get her to see... you made a flippin' counseling appointment for her. You are STILL DOING for her. THAT'S the problem.
Quote:
I'm not ready to give up on almost 3 years without a fight.
Honey, that is all you HAVE been doing for the last two years, at least. We are all telling you to STOP fighting, or your R has NO CHANCE IN HE!! of making it. None.
THIS is what we are all trying to tell you. Tell her your values (done). Call off the wedding (done) Stop initiating. Start living your life as though she were not in it. Be nice, be pleasant. READ No More Mr. Nice Guy and DO THE FLIPPIN EXERCISES.
If SHE wants to make a counseling appointment and have you come with her, fine, go if you want to. Otherwise, see what this girl is made of... see IF she can actually step up to the plate. You'll learn a lot about her.
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but marriage is not about 'love.' Love has nothing to do with it. It's nice... but... marriage is about respect, respect, respect, trust, honesty (and communicating that), boundaries, and your ability to RESOLVE ISSUES. And in order to do that, BOTH people must be able and willing to stand on their own two feet and BRING IT.
Period. When you do all that really well... you have great sex.
When you don't do all the above... your sex life sucks.
Your emotions are getting in your way. I'm not saying you have to be emotionLESS, but you have to be able to do what is best for yourself, your woman, and your R BEFORE you get to indulge your emotions. If you can't learn how to do this, you are going to raise some seriously monsterous children.
Now. From someone who has experienced sexual abuse in my own life, I can tell you, that is a big mountain for her to climb. Just is. It sucks for her, it really does. But if she is not willing to face her demons on it, I can PROMISE YOU, there is not one flippin' thing on this planet you 'fight' to help her through it. She was a victim. She is in 'victim' mode, and you are suffering right along with her. She doesn't realize it, but that IS what is happening. BTDT, kiddo.
We are trying to help you, believe it or not. I know we sound harsh, but we all know how incredibly difficult it is when you are with the person, and not just typing words on a screen.
Buddy, you have GOT to drop the dam rope with her. If she isn't willing to swim on her own, she will pull you down with her. I'm so sorry that is the black and white of it.
Hairdog: Did you steal my Pointy Witch Shoes??!!
IC: My lower lip trembles that I didn't make your list. sniffle
