I need support

[HSSweetheart]

Had a good support group mtg last night. They told me when he files that I have to respond. I will be doing it pro se, anyone have any experience in that? Hope it isn't too bad....But I come at a good rate!

[HSSweetheart]

S-inlaw e-mailed me that she bought D8 concert tickets for xmas. I have had a problem with her for some time, she is an enabler. She takes H out at least once a week drinking, constantly on the phone with him. If she wasn't related she would be OW. Anyway, I am pissed at her for what I see as her interference in my marriage. Not that I think she caused it, don't get that impression. But didn't help. I purposely didn't answer the e-mail as I have been keeping a low profile rather than battle. She e-mailed again today asking for a response, saying that his family is there for me and that I shouldn't be staying away. Oh, and don't cut off my nose to spite my face. That got me. I responded that I did not cut off my nose, he cut it off of me. I said I would like nothing more than to have my marriage and sanity back but am told it is a pipe dream. That it is all I can do to live my miserable Fing life without killing myself. I told her only one family member has ever contacted me to see how I was. So much for the family being there for me. BS! Then I said I will end it there before I say something I may regret. I could've said so much more. I am sure she will share that with him. He told me no one called me because I "burnt my bridges" with some people. Well yeah, he doesn't see these people as a problem like I do as they are his drinking/partying/stay away from me enablers. And I have held my tongue about it, keeping quiet from them as I am not generally the confronting type. This is all so stressful!

[cat03]

don't expect much from ILs, didn't get any support there either on my case.

Just for the kids sake try not to answer in anger to sil emails, what a thing for her to say!

No experience with filing, my H, back then, wanted me to fill out the S papers, I dragged it as much as I could, at some point he told me he'd have to serve me and I told him I was not ready at all to deal with that, what with him leaving and all I'd need time. Eventually he stopped filing.

Good luch HS< hang in there

[HSSweetheart]

Cat, your location says East Coast. Just curious what state as I am in PA. We can't be too far, huh?

SIL is a little juvenile as well, using my H as her substitute H. (Hers passed in '02.) Oh, and he was an alcoholic. Ironic, huh? That the two of them are drinking buddies? She is totally a bad influence on H. But he doesn't see it as he sees nothing wrong with that behavior. I have never approved of bar hopping or drinking, whether I was 21 or 41. And especially not every single week when you are a parent! Great example. Just me I suppose.

[cat03]

that's a shame, sadly, but honestly, he is a big boy and who should make his own sane desicions regardless of juvenile SIL (though it would help if she stopped that behaviour)
Not just you, I dont' get the bar hopping.

I'm near DC, about 4-5 hrs from you

[HSSweetheart]

H stopped by last night at almost 7 pm and threw his check at me. I was puzzled what stick was up his butt. Then he mumbled something but when I asked he would not repeat it. I replayed it in my head and I believe he said something like if you want a war you got it. I have no idea what could have caused this except the sil e-mail but even that doesn't seem like it could have caused this behavior. I had cleaned the house Fri, moved boxes of his stuff into the garage. I noticed some more stuff of his missing, again he must be doing this when I am still at work. I noticed some of his framed art off the wall so I took down one I got him last xmas and put it also in the garage. So I rearranged a few pictures to change it up a bit. He made some other comment as I walked by that I forgot one. I wasn't even sure he was talking to me so I ignored it. Found out later he took our wedding pic down from the living room and leaned it against the dining room table. I promptly put it back up. What the hell? He asked if we were going to get along on Thanksgiving and I said it was up to him. When he left he looked at me so for once I made eye contact and we had a staring contest. It is the first time in a long time I made contact. It was painful. I know he felt it. So he left. But apparently he was visiting neighbors because I went to get D8 at the neighbors and his truck was still in the driveway and he had been there. Weird, huh?

[cat03]

I noticed some of his framed art off the wall so I took down one I got him last xmas and put it also in the garage.
============================
why are you helping him move out? it's like saying you dont' want anything H related in your home, to get the heck out already-- it doesn't surprise me he took the wedding pict down.
Same with the comments about Thanksgiving, I'm sure he was sarcastic when he asked you if you guys would get along. It is so easy to respond in the same way he's talking to you, but this is where you begin to do your 180;'s and unteach yourself harmful behaviors, if he is baiting you or pushing your buttons, dont' give in.
Be the bigger person, be sincere and truthful, inwardly you do want to have a good dinner with your family right? then you let him know that despite what's going on you would like to enjoy a family dinner together.

If it would've been up to my H we would've been divorced by now, if I would've gone by his negative behavior, I wouldnt' have him back with me. Don't get dragged by his antagonistic and detrimental behavior.

[HSSweetheart]

This is all so confusing! I have a lot of thinking to do!

[cat03]

I know hon, and even when you think you know what to do, it is hard to do it. The pain doesn't let you think correctly most days, BTDT.

Read the book "the proper care and feedign of husbands" for a list of toxic behaviors to change in yourself.

[HSSweetheart]

This morning we got into an "argument" sorta about a cell phone bill that was addressed to me and he opened but was for his phone change in plans. I gave it to him to figure out last night and he returned it to me in the morning. Told me to pay it and he would reimburse me. That annoyed me. I called them to find out what it was exactly. They called him and he wouldn't allow access to his account, then called me and yelled at me. That upset me. So he called at lunch and I told him that I had every right to find out what the charges were on MY account and since they were his he could pay them. Since he has NEVER paid a bill in his life, he didn't know that he could pay on my account. I explained to him he could pay it. He thought I was insulting him because I said he didn't know that. I told him I wasn't, and I said that I was tired of getting calls from him scolding me for stuff. I stood up for myself, something I don't do much. Well, for the hour after that my hands were shaking. I am NOT confrontational.

That book sounds interesting. Problem is with time to read. I have been trying to go through DR again now. I get so many mixed messages from so many sources I am spinning. He is removing some of his stuff already. I cannot imagine I am the only one in that situation. I have been better as of late. But I have my times. I just want to get through Thanksgiving. I still have trouble communicating with him at all. Baby steps, baby steps.