new here. Feel like dying

[Dom R]

Okay, ladybug... I was hoping to find a 'short' bit on marriagebuilders... but maybe you should just spend a few hours, on the larger picture "basic concepts" summary, and see what you think about their view on marriage.

It really will be a few hours of reading, so make sure to set aside time for yourself.
(you'll probably want to re-read some of it, to absorb and understand it. It's a lot to take in)




http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html


A summary of the summary:

• Feelings about someone are based on how they treat you
• (a way to identify the way that each of you want to really be treated, uniquely, and individually)
• The importance of "undivided attention" time
• The "policy of joint agreement". This one is rather radical: it's a potential way to handle all "big decisions" between you both.
• "radical honesty", is crucial to build, and maintain, true trust and intimacy in a relationship.

You could take some, or all, of these concepts, and see if he will agree that BOTH of you will follow them.



A closing comment, inreply to something you said:

If I just do everything he says, I'd be nothing more than a Stepford wife. Can I lose myself like that?

Are you making that statement based on, "the things he's asking you to do, are wrong", or are you making it based on, "I cant give him EVERYTHING he wants... I should always hold back and only give him 90% or less, any time he asks me for anything"

your complaint about "losing yourself", makes me wonder about that.

He says that all he wants is for me to do what he says! He said he shouldn't have sent me the e-mail about Tennessee, he should have sent one that says, "DO what I say!" He says that's all I want, just do what I say.

That's what you may have INTERPRETED what he said... but I have difficulty believing that is literally what he said.
Do you really recall, word for word, what he said?
If you repeated it back to him, do you think he would agree, "that's what I said"?

I told him that everything in marriage is negotiable.

that's not a true statement. Some things are not negotiable.
For the things that are... you might go check out that "policy of joint agreement"

I wonder if you are the type of person, where "everything is negotiable", when it's something you dont want... but it "has to be this way", when it's about doing something that YOU WANT?

I think that people who are like that, probably have never been honest with themselves, that that is how they act.
Maybe you should think about your attitude, the last time there was something that he really wanted, and you really didnt want it.
How often did he get what he wanted? 100%?

Oftentimes, people like that, maybe give up 10% of what they want, still keeping 90% of what they want for themselves, yet claim the other person "got what they wanted", or "won", somehow.