i truly empathize with you. my h continued to see exd ow almost everyday of his training and even though he was with me, it bugged me. also i understand you wanting h to despise exow and to see her for what she is. i am "lucky" i guess you could say, that my h hates second ow. but he still has fond feelings for ow#1!!!! he will admit she was a bit slutty to do what she did, and he can't respect what she did, but she has always been a friend to him, always there. yuk. puke. so i understand. unfortunetly i do not have a majic spell that can change this.
when your h says his feelings for exow are irrelevant i disagree. and it is not the answer your looking for. it must be very frustrating for you that h won't just give up her nbusiness and the apt. too bad there isn't another solution that h would feel comfortable with. why doesn't exow just get another landscaper? why doesn't her h or she do it? maybe with her upcoming D she won't be able to afford it.
i agree that we can place too much emphasis on the op, but i can't help it either. i hate knowing she (both of them) laughed at my naivete, my trusting nature. it all but eats me up that another woman thought she knew my h better than me. i don't know what to say, i have no advice on this. i wish a pox on the lot of them. i think they are horrible needy desperate manipulative and some other really dirty words.
Quote: when your h says his feelings for exow are irrelevant i disagree. and it is not the answer your looking for. it must be very frustrating for you that h won't just give up her nbusiness and the apt. too bad there isn't another solution that h would feel comfortable with. why doesn't exow just get another landscaper? why doesn't her h or she do it? maybe with her upcoming D she won't be able to afford it.
she will not get a new landscaper...I had asked h to stop servicing her last year before he left but he didn't...I even called her and told her to find a new landscaper...she tried to fire him (supposedly) but it didn't happe.
perhaps h is waiting for her to not afford his services..and I'd assume that someone contemplating or hell going forward with a d especially with a woman who doesn't work (well she does some daycare in home) such a luxury as a landscaper would not be affordable...perhaps just a spring cleanup to make the place look nice for the tentative sale...that way h gets to be the nice guy...and she can just move away...
I don't know...right now I'm trying to just ignore that whole issue.
there are more important things for me to deal with than whether or not sussie cancer pants is still a customer or not.
I suppose what h means in saying his feelings for her are irrelevant is that despite whatever feelings he may have or had for her he is now home with me and at least somewhat actively working at making things better here.
re- the apartment...during our last tif I brought up the apartment and he then said "well I've been thinking of getting rid of it" coulda told me that!!!!
this crap is all so hard to deal with...h just wants me to relax....tells me I'm comming apart at the seems (he did after all have to come get me cause I couldn't drive home due to an anxiety attack..he feared I would pass out and honestly I probably would have)take it one day at a time...is what he can say...
I just wish h would let me in a bit more...
when I tell him what makes me feel better...ie telling me about his day...
his reply is...well I'm not always going to do that..
my reply....I was just letting you know something that makes me feel better.
maybe I'm waiting to hear things my way...maybe I don't want to hear..."my feelings for her are irrelevant, I'm home with you" maybe I want to hear..."I love you LL and that's why despite the fact that I may have some feelings for her I chose to come home to you!!"
why don't I just hear in h's words what is being said???
because as always I can twist his words to mean anything...but then again could I not twist the words I just gave??
h's saying his feelings for her are irrelevent may not seem like enough but if I do think about it...he didn't have to come home...he had been gone...the kids and I had started to adjust fine...he asked if he could come home...he asked if he could sleep in my bed...he could have kept walking...I haven't made his homecoming especially easy..and he's still here...yes there have been a few rare evenings that he's gone out with buddie to tie one on...stayed at his appartment but I can count them on one hand!
h is trying...in his way....h is softer...h is more attentive..h is more affectionate...what is it I am looking for??? what is it h is waiting for???
what's the next step??
I've made an appointment to get back to my c...haven't been there since h went to see him...I asked h if I made the next appointment at night would he go with me or did he want to see him alone again...he said he'd go with me.
maybe that's the next step? I just hope it doesn't do more damage...I just hope h is open to it...I just hope I am open to it too.
Quote: what h means in saying his feelings for her are irrelevant
What he means, LL, is yes he has feelings for OW. But it is irrelevant to how he feels about you! He loves you! Men have a hard time saying that! I'm 54 years, and just started telling my 82 year old mother that I love her! And have also started telling my W of 30 years together, that I love her ( before I knew about A & D) Maybe that showed some weakness on my part, and that's why she dumped me???
Face it, LL, H will always have feelings for OW, and so will you! Your feelings are hate and hurt, but they are feelings, and they will NEVER GO AWAY! Live with it, accept it, and get over it! I told you, I still have feelings for my girlfriend 37 years ago, but they are irrelevant! I guess now my feelings for W are irrevelant now to especially to her!
Your posts are getting a LITTLE shorter. That's a good sign, simmer down now, simmer down!
You mentioned earlier that you're "just a kid" How old are you? (too lazy to scroll up to page 1 ).
I'm not sure I agree totally with TonyP. Sure you may have some residual feelings about ff/ow in the years to come, but, in my opinion they will FADE!
My first love and I were together for 10 years!! Sometimes now I can't even picture his face. I ran into him at a grocery store last year and we chatted. No huge surge of emotion, just curiosity, and a gentle caring. Felt bad that his marriage was in trouble, but somewhat snide too since he'd married the OW he left me for!
But take her for example. I really despised her at first. Had nightmares about her etc. Now she's not even a BLIP on my emotional radar. Funny thing, though, seems I'm a huge sore spot on hers!
Maybe we have more choice in these matters than we're led to believe.
LL I think C is the perfect place to share some of your concerns.
i guess you could say, that my h hates second ow. but he still has fond feelings for ow#1!!!! he will admit she was a bit slutty to do what she did, and he can't respect what she did, but she has always been a friend to him, always there. yuk. puke. so i understand. unfortunetly i do not have a majic spell that can change this. 
