I don't agree with your assessment that I'm trying to control my W. It's obviously coming across that way to you, but that's not what I intend at all.
It's okay if you don't agree my my assessment, Heim -- it's just what I see, and obivously just my opinion. However, that being said, I don't think you're CONSCIOUSLY trying to control her, but that seems to be what your words of choice in the conversation MIGHT come across as (to W, as well). They did to me, anyway. You might unintentionally be doing so, simply because you don't want to lose her. It's natural, human, etc, but being aware of the comments you want to make and how they will come across, what good/bad they will do (or potentially do), etc, is very important at this stage, I believe. You're repeating things that you've already told her in one way or another, so it's not like you're telling her anything new, right? It's like giving her some space that she is needing or asking for, and then just when she's beginning to get it you smother her again with R talk, thereby bringing you back to where you started. Maybe this isn't correct, but that is my interpretation. I honestly believe that your W will come to you and talk about the R if/when she is ready to do so. Give her time to reflect, time for her R to run its course, and allow her the time she needs to become ready to talk. You can't force it, brotha. Don't let your emotions cloud your judgement. Find a balance between emotion and reason, and approach the situation accordingly. Love her enough to let her go, and if she so chooses to come back, that will be the time to have the discussion you are desiring so much. That's my feeling on the matter, but again, it's just my opinion (and that's what I'm here for, right? ).
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She called back the second time. Not me.
That's fine, but it still doesn't mean that you should dictate that the convo goes to an R talk, or where that R talk goes. Let her lead the way, then listen, validate, empathize, etc. Don't do most of the talking yourself. That is a primary DBing principle, and I think it is a very founded one (as I believe they all are, though each situation is a little different and thus each principle should be carefully weighed against each sitch).
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She also called me about an hour ago to apologize for the tone of an email that she sent to me.
Good. I hope you listened, empathized, and validated. Let her speak her mind, have her peace, and thank her for calling. Again, let her dictate where the conversation is leading, and address it accordingly.
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Look, I knew most of what you and OT said above when I hung up the phone after the first call this morning.
I'm glad you did, but the important thing is knowing it BEFORE you get into such a convo with W. It doesn't do much good after the fact, right? Gotta be a step ahead of the convo at all times as much as you can, brotha.
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I'm not looking for anyone to blow sunshine up my buttocks, but she did exhibit a few new behaviors today. Any thoughts? She has never expressed a willingness to talk about her feelings about me since, um, April. Seven months solid. Now, perhaps a tiny crack?
First of all, blowing sunshine up there might be a bit unpleasant, and even painful, so I'm glad you're not looking for anyone to do this . As far as the willingness to talk about her feelings, I'm not sure what "talk" she did that you're talking about. Also, I don't think she necessarily did so willingly. You kind of sprung the R talk on her, didn't you, or at least made the first comment that prompted her to mention her feelings. Regardless, I would just take stock of it, continue to do so (see if see mentions her feelings on her own volition), and monitor the results. Also, take into consideration what feelings she is expressing (i.e. what they are, if they're positive or negative, etc), and use it to determine how you approach further communication with her. Use it as a tool that helps you gain ground on your goals.
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Going to do my best to reestablish LRT mindset.
Sounds like a good idea -- I do it from time to time too, even though I'm pretty good at giving W more space than is likely even expected.
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I still need to put my thoughts together about what I know of my W, my occasional mentions that I think if I could get her to talk things might move in a good direction, and all of this DBing and other, similar R advice stuff.
Think about what I said regarding reason vs. emotion. I think that this is important in lieu of what you said in the above quote. Also, consider what you're saying: "if I could get her to talk." You're trying to control the situation and how/what/when W discusses her feelings and such with you. Whether you realize it or not, this is an attempt to control her choices and actions, and it will not benefit you, my friend. If she's going to do it, let her do it on her time. Like you said, she did mention that she's not ready to talk about it "now" -- let her decide when she IS ready. Don't force it on her, because it is a strong probability that no good will come from it.
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Maybe I'm just too stubborn. Probably.
Hmmmmm...
Love ya, brotha (no matter what my posts might suggest)!
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