It was weird. I remember when talking with xh was like talking to her. (It's not now!!) Some of the highlights:
She told xh he was "not allowed" to smoke at his own home. (xh does not smoke inside or anywhere near the baby. He is smoking on the deck, and working on quitting again. None of her business.)
She told xh that I was going to "kill the baby" (her exact words) because of the traffic in my daily commute.
We are horrible, uncaring parents because we dump our baby off in a "hellhole" (her word) every day. (Translation: daycare is evil.)
She told xh he is just like his father.
Anyway. xh had called me and asked for some help when they got there. He said he needed someone on his side, because otherwise he would be outnumbered.
Actually, I really like MIL's bf. Nice guy. Very easygoing, smart, older guy.
So. My advice all day yesterday had been for xh to just be honest with MIL. That he doesn't have to be mean, but he should be straight-forward...and that he can't control her reaction, only himself. He said he's been getting the same advice from everyone, which made him feel better.
He was really wound up last night after. I had to cut out a bit early, since I needed to put the baby to bed. I did apologize. He got to my place later, said that it only got worse after I left.
xh said his legs hurt, so I spent some time massaging them. I also got him some Tylenol. We talked some more about the no-sex. Every time it comes up, I try to mention why--that it's icky while he's involved with someone else. (Thanks, Dom.) Maybe it'll sink in sooner or later.
So. While reflecting over all the events, I realized several things.
xh is used to people taking things back when they are mad at him. MIL is supposed to give him a car; he is convinced it will be withdrawn when she realizes she's not going to play nanny with DS. (Note to self: Continuing being his friend, sticking to my commitments, and not changing our interactions even when I'm mad at him is a good path, after all. I see the no-sex as a boundary for me, not a punishment.)
xh was saying how he needed more cigarrettes and wine. I pointed out (gently) that he was reverting to a bad coping mechanism. He said he knew, and would clean it up once his mother is out of town. (They are going somewhere, not sure where, in a couple of days.)
xh has multiple layers of feelings going on...a conscious level, and an unconscious one. I think this explains the dichotomy I pick on him about myself and JD. On one level, he is not consciously aware that he is playing wife with me, and gf with her. I think a good dose of denial, coupled with self-preservation-learned burying of feelings, lead to this. (xh and I were talking yesterday about his habit of just burying uncomfortable stuff in the past, and how he is working to undo this now.)
I saw a music folder on his computer titled "JD and [xh's name]". Come on. That's so high school, it's kind of funny. When I mentioned it, he just got so genuinely confused looking, and said I was making something of nothing. I'm pretty good at telling when he's intentionally lying to me, even if I don't know what or why. And he didn't think he was here. He just didn't see it.
On the other, more buried level, he must know something. Why else would he get uncomfortable when I try to (gently) poke holes in his reasoning? Why else would he clam up so much about it? (Other than his whole insane thing about being contradicted.) And why bother to hide other things? I do think part of it is fear of confrontation, but there seems to be more.
Anyway...no, I don't think this is hopeless. We both have learned so much about what is and is not appropriate marital behavior over the past few years...my view on it now is so very, very different. As is his.
I think the key is to talk about it rationally, and in context. Like we would discuss a movie or some such. I know he hears me, I know he thinks about it, and I know he is working on changing himself.
Actually, I made sure to tell him this morning. I was worried--and told him so--that he'd lose his progress because he'd stress too much over his mother. I told him that he's doing great, his communication is great. And, that if anyone should be mad at him...it would be me. I think he needed cheering up...his self-esteem seems to take a beating when he's around her for awhile.
I think he needed cheering up...his self-esteem seems to take a beating when he's around her for awhile.
