this is the way it is...h had a r with another woman...a woman who's voice many years ago made my skin crawl...a woman who baked cookies for his brother...a woman who invited his brother into her home on a weekly basis to sit and eat dinner with her and her children and husband...a woman who let any man who wanted to walk into her door come right in..a lonley woman..is it my h's fault this woman was lonely and needy? no but it was his fault for going to her home when it was not business...it was his fault for not keeping it a proffesionall businnes r..maybe she made it easy to cross that boudary by inviting the work crew to her parties or for a swim in her pool (I would surley offer lunch or a beverage to workers at my home but to invited them to my private party with family and friends? to invite them to swim in my pool...I'm nice and caring but that's plain asking for trouble...you don't know these men) did my h prey on her weekness...did she prey on my h's vulnerability?? doesn't matter they preyed on each other...both knowing what they were doing was wrong...I'm sure ow would not have been pleased with her h if he were spending as much time with another woman as she was spending with my h but that is her issue...I know my h would not be pleased if I were spending as much time with another man as he was spending with ow. but they did it anyway.
I don't have the answers...I seem to face more and more questions...
I don't want ow to be a customer...I've told h so... I don't like the way it makes me feel to know she's a customer still and therefore they have a "reason" to still communicate...I doubt it would be possible for either of them to simply discuss business and not inquire...how are you..and all that crap.
I know there is a danger in h working for her still...which is why I don't want it..
can I wait like h and hope that she will sell her home..d her h and move away?? I'd imagine she'd move back to where-ever her family is as they don't seem to be in that state. so maybe h is hoping that she will move away and it will happen the easy way...instead of him taking yet another stand against her...he did after all leave her to come home didn't he.
I don't know what I can do about the fact that h is keeping her as a customer...
he knows it hurts me...
maybe he doesn't realize that it hurts him too...
I just wish he could be honest about things upfront instead of being defensive about it afterward...
tell me your intentions...that you are sending the proposal to save face...that you are hoping she follows through with moving away and therefore you will have disturbed nothing by dropping her she will have in a sense dropped you.
I was doing well with the a...yes I still had the luming question of "was it at any point a pa?" and h flatley denied...he did admit to wanting to...but it just never got there...part of me seeing the way h is can believe that...but the other part of me that lives in the world of sex and drugs and rock and roll says "ya right whatever you need to believe to carry on honey!"
things are better than they were...need more work...what's going on?? what will go on???
will there always be questions in my mind? will the story one day change? will I accept it?
I was told by one smart poster when I first started to battle the question of pa is that h would probably tell me when I was ready...when it seemed I had healed...I don't want to wait...I want it all out now..I want to move past the crap and get on with life...not get things going well and then be brought back here again.
I want to believe what h tells me as the truth...h knows I have trouble believing him on this...
if he didn't have a pa and I go on believing he did...I am cheating him and myself.
if he did have a pa and I go on believing him when he says he didn't then again I am cheating him and myself.
before i married H, i cheated on him a couple times. i always thought our R was over, and to finalize it, i cheated. it was bad, and i felt bad, and i apologized over and over.
when we got married, i didn't cheat, though I'll admit I did flirt from time to time.
we fought about it a lot. everytime i tried to bring up how his drinking bothered me, he'd drag out the cheating to put me in my place.
even when i'd told him EVERYTHING, and let years pass for "healing" he still didn't believe me. he still thought there was something i wasn't telling him.
once i finally overcame that, and believed i'd paid pennance enough for my actions. that's when i felt justified in making some demands of him. to no avail until, once again... until i got involved...
so, now he's got a whole new magazine of ammo. and i'm afraid that once i calm down he's going to break it out. so, i can't calm down. i can't trust him with "me". he's just going to hurt me again. kick me when i'm down, so to speak.
i don't know what i'm saying here, really, except that H's truth is his and if he trusts you, he might share his truth with you. if you freak, you break the trust again, and leave yourself vunerable to his secrets again.
i know affairs hurt. but in all our reading, we surely come across the fact that the cheater isn't some horrible, secretive, snake... the cheater is just a person, looking for love, taking the path of least resistance once the resistance becomes too much to deal with.
do I have the truth or am I trying to believe a lie?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Quote: #1 he did not know her before he knew me...
LL
Some where in your posts you mentioned he knew her before you got married, or something like that. I looked, but couldn't find it. Sorry if I misinterpreted you!
It really doesn't matter if it was EA or PA, it still hurts as much. If H says there was no PA, just believe him! END OF STORY. Let it go!
Quote: h ended his r with me when he decided to walk out the door
Wow lots of firey posts here. Don't know what's up with this page of your thread, though...running long across the screen. Hard to read.
LL, his contact with this ow has to end. Duh, we all know that. How can you communicate this to him in a way he will "GET"?
After all that's happened, the incredible duplicity on her part, the things she said to your face....your H must do this for you.
Have you just flat out asked him to drop her? "Just do it for me"? What would he say?
And about it being a PA, could be, might not be. How does he answer you when you ask about this? (I'm curious as my H's lies followed patterns I've read about for people who are lying).
LL...hope things are looking a little brighter today...only you really know your h..all we can do here is piece what you have told us.. You mentioned a little ways back that you get down from the posts here..I used to too, then I realized that you have to take what is said here and sort it all out, try something suggested or not, but don't let it pull you in a million directions or you sure could go bonkers!!
I hope you can get some alone time to sort things out..is there any way you can get an escape for a few days..alone?
Quote: And about it being a PA, could be, might not be. How does he answer you when you ask about this? (I'm curious as my H's lies followed patterns I've read about for people who are lying).
answers range from...no..it wasn't like that...it just never happend....there's nothing more to say....
sometimes I "feel" like he's about to tell me something....but doesn't...
who knows...
at this point it doesn't really matter...he's home...I've accepted him home even though some part of me already believes it was a pa...so why tourment myself with the question again...maybe someday his answer will change but for now I've stopped asking.
the current issue for me is the fact that h intends to keep ow as a customer....possibly hoping that she sells the house and therefore he will not be the one to break the "business" end of the r.
h knows how it hurts me...last night I did get a hug that I did not initiate...one of those hugs that says something...you don't know exactly what they're saying but they're saying something...
this is a stressful time of year for h...I've said my peace about the ow as customer issue...it's now h's to deal with.
You are a wise woman. You will know when and if bringing up the issue of ow as customer will bring you closer to your goals. Maybe H is just trying to work out a solution in his own mind. I agree that she should be gone. Hell, I know that my H still sees OW every day. I haven't seen him in two weeks! He's still her boss. I rememebr that he said last year she would do whatever was necessary to "protect H", H telling me they would always be friends. Does it drive me nuts? You should know better than anybody. How many times have you reasoned with me?
I guess all I am saying is that this is normal. You should and you will continue to wonder. It's okay. But you can control if it takes over. Don't give the bi*** the satisfaction of getting to you. You are confident. Know that in the end you will win and she will lose. LL, I know you will in the end win the war. She's just a minor battle. Don't give her more credit than she deserves. Yes, she is a pathetic excuse for a human being, she's evil, she doesn't deserve anything.
Remember with pride that you are LL. You are beautiful, strong, wise, comforting, wonderful and his wife. She never will be.
