Calling All Cats :)

[LoginName]

Good morning Cat,
It sounds like you're feeling a little stronger. Just curious, do you agree with me that knowing you could divorce and be OK make you feel better and help you hang in there?

He does notice sometimes and says "what's wrong?", sigh**,

I think that would be really tough to hear. Maybe you should ask the C how to respond to that? I know my C often shocked me with simple straightforward ideas and interpretations of my W's words and behaviours. A big one he would say to me is "didn't you hear what she just said?". I think what he meant was that my W was saying something positive, but because of the sitch, my insecurities, etc. I didn't hear it. I heard all lack of all the things I wanted to hear.

My feeling is that you need to detach enough that his lack of interest doesn't hurt you, at least too much. Maybe a response like, "don't worry about it, it's my problem and I can handle it".

I do realize that adultery is not only physical

we both know the OP doesn't matter in the long run, but I do believe in the 'addiction' part of A's. What I've read, and seen with my wife, is it takes about 6+ months for the addiction to break if there is NO contact with the OP. Is your H's A over, and no contact, or limited contact with OP? This is another case for patience on your part. It will take him time to break the addiction. You've become, or are becoming addicted to the on line chat guy. Addictions aren't all bad. I'm addicted to some friends, my kids, etc.

I do like this C so much

Maybe you should keep him (her?) then. Just for you if nothing else. Just a thought.

Counseling is hard to judge. I think mine was good. It was way too little, in my mind. I'd love to talk to my W and find out what she thought of the MC. Maybe someday I can. The fact that your H is still going, and he has the option, probably means he likes the C too. MC is hard, and I bet it's especially hard on him. He's being asked to take responsibility, face himself, change - all painful things. But he may know it will make him healthier so he still agrees to go.

i did tell him he didn't have to, he said "I'll go, let's just see what happens" as if the C is supposed to pull a rabbit out of a hat

OOps, I think I addressed this above.

I was/am lucky that my health insurance covers theropy. I've got Kaiser, and I was very surprised that the C was pretty good. He wasn't what I wanted. I wanted a C that would say up front that he would fight for our (my) marriage. He wouldn't say that, but I think I saw him working toward it the whole time. He knew that if he said we should not divorce, or push my W to commit, that she would bolt. That's my interpretation anyway.

Your first line says it all

I have been trying too hard

Relax a little bit. Have a good day, maybe a good week.

[cat03]

thanks again LN, I feel like I'm loosing it sometimes (just a little :P )
I think I have made my peace with the fact that I would do just fine without him, I can conjure that thought. I just know the kids, specially the older one would take it real hard.

When I mentioned adultery, I was refering to myself, I know there is no contact with op at all., it didn't end good, H changed his number 2 times and that was that. Online guy is also on my same boat (i know, he says he is but who knows) and I think we both relate with each other because our partners are lacking emotional bonding with us (don't know if he is married, we dont talk about our Rs in detail, just on passing, for a few secs). We mainly just joke around, and that's the level we both want to keep it, no strings attached, no expectations.

I was racking my brain this morn, dont' want another C in which H is quiet for unending minutes and prob feeling under the gun. I thought about giving him a notebook and ask him to write down 1)what he wants to happen in the M 2)how should we go about reaching the goals mentioned on #1
That way, at least we'll have some plan of action, H is big on writing things down (I found out about the A by the dozes of letters he had written about that R) so it should help. He did jab at me by mentioning how I had read his private thoughts when I suggested that last week, but then agreed it was a good idea.

My C does take insurance, otherwise we'd be broke! thank heavens for that.

Will try to cool off and find happiness on my own.

[RedHeadWife]

Oh, Cat, I do hope you find your peace, whether it's w/ H or not. I understand about the kids though!! I wish this stuff didn't have to be so hard!! Hopefully, H will get his act together and get his rear in gear soon!

[LoginName]

Cat, the MC sessions my W and I had went like this (after the first one or two where it was made clear my job was to shut up and listen). The C would ask a question of my W, often an uncomfortable one, often one that I feared what my W's answer would be. Then we would sit, in silence. I would be thinking: answer him already!, this is costing us money, don't just sit there, don't you want to make our M better?, what terrible thing could you be keeping inside, just say it, I know what you're thinking and feeling - I should answer.... finally, after unbearable silence, me sitting on my hands, an answer would come out, and it would usually be disappointing and not very deep.

Maybe it worked on W inside though. I don't know. It was painful, and funny after a while. It was a 180 for me to keep my mouth shut for so long. ;-)

I am feeling very close to busting my divorce, and having a good M, I want to take someone with me. You're doing great Cat, you've helped me so much. I sure hope I can and am helping you too.

[cat03]

I would be thinking: answer him already!, this is costing us money, don't just sit there, don't you want to make our M better?, what terrible thing could you be keeping inside, just say it, I know what you're thinking and feeling - I should answer.... It was a 180 for me to keep my mouth shut for so long

I see you've been peeping during our MC session that's how it goes all the time...

I am feeling very close to busting my divorce, and having a good M, I want to take someone with me. You're doing great Cat, you've helped me so much. I sure hope I can and am helping you too.

I honestly believe that when I pray to God to please help me deal with this crucible He works through people in this board, like you, to encourage me and to not let my emotions get the best of me and loose hope and fall in an abyss made by my own hand.
Feeling much, much better, thank you so much)))))))))))))

[peaceful_spirit]

I can relate to so much of what I'm reading. That feeling of sitting in MC having tough questions trown at us and fearful of the answers. Sickening. But that is part of the process.

Cat, when you said that sometimes you feel like you're loosing it... been there. You and your H are getting into a down cycle. In other words, you're feeling like he's withdrawn, and it's bothering you. He can tell that something's bothering you and he withdrawls more. Then you start feeling like you can't take it anymore. He starts feeling like nothing he does is good enough. At least, that's how it's played out in my M many times. And I think that we FINALLY broke that cycle. It was like we fed off each other's negativity, each person blaming the other.

The piecing and healing process is full of ups and downs. It's not a straight line from point A to point B. It's a series of ups and downs, and hopefully in the process you're both learning something. And in a very small way, hopefully you're progressing. Though, sometimes it feels like it's time to throw in the towel. Again, I KNOW!

If MC were easy, than it wouldn't be doing any good. It's like exercising... in order to lose weight, you need to go through the pain of the workout.

Hang in there. Is there any way you can open the lines of communication a bit more? It seems like you're both bottling stuff up right now, which is feeding into the negativity.

One last thought... I was in a session with my H's C with H a few months ago. I had said that while I'd prefer to save my M, I would much rather be D than live with what I had been living with the past two years. I said that I know I can be just fine without H if it came to that. I said this all in front of H. The C said that that was the best positino to be in.... willing to D, but wanting to save your M. I had also read that in a book about the seven secrets of a good M.

[cat03]

you're feeling like he's withdrawn, and it's bothering you. He can tell that something's bothering you and he withdrawls more.
=======================
you are right PS, so much of what you said is what goes on, my H avoids confrontation and rather not say anything, and we both feed from each other's neg. as you said; it's a cycle hard to break but I must work on this.

I would much rather be D than live with what I had been living with the past two years
================
I totally agree, I dont' want to be in the same sitch, thinking all is right while H is eating his grief, feeling like I have to be the life of the party in my M so that H is content and stays with me... don't want any of that, and, in a way, I now see what H means by not sleeping w/me while things are not right... we could fall into complacency and unconsciusly make ourselves believe it's all ok now. It sure is hard not sleeping with him, but I can understand how through physical sep. he is stopping himself from going back to the sitch of earlier this year, of putting up a facade for me.

Whatever you are having PS, I want a double :), thanks for your support, it means a whole lot and you've made me understand things I wouldn't have otherwise))))))

[peaceful_spirit]

Cat,
Right back at ya! You give me awesome support, too!

I see a lot of my H in yours, or vice versa. My H also hates confrontation. He's getting better at it, but in general, he'd much rather keep things to himself than start any kind of "discussion".

Try to remember that your H is trying. He's doing the best that he can. Is his best good enough for you? Right now, no. But the idea is that he'll work through this and be able to give you more. As badly as you feel right now, I would bet he feels worse. He can only give what he can give right now. The trick is for you to figure out how to deal with him and how to stay sane and healthy while he's sorting himself out. It's hard, I know.

Maybe you can make a list of topics you'd like to discuss in the next MC session. I would ask your MC how you can break down this wall that tends to go up between the two of you. Ask for recommendations on effective communication approaches, given both yours and his personalities.

[cat03]

well, chivalry isn't dead folks.

It's totally over with online guy. He sent me an IM yesterday, we hadn't chat in a few days and I was wondering why. So he writes that he is sorry, but that he feels guilty and even though we have fun we both are in Rs and there is only one way our R would end up and he didn't want me to do something I'd regret. He wished me the best and said good bye. He was right, totally... we were flirting in someways, and we were playing with fire in some sorts, and my mind (am guessing his too) was coming up with various scenarios... *sigh* for a second I felt like crying, and it hit me, we WERE getting too close for me to have felt that upset.

I'm still a bit sad..but...yay! the very same night I found another friend....

LOL, don't groan! a girlfriend, another sister in arms (her H has ADHD), I was in an ADD chat and found her, we talked a bit and I filled her in about the great books about ADHD that I've read that she didn't know of, and she told me "you don't know how much I needed this", so now we are pals and I'll be chatting with her

I looked up and said "thank you "

H working his tail off, but... I think he will keep his current position!! the dept. might not move him like they promised!!! yey!!
He also was more affectionate on the phone, for the past 2 weeks, on sat night I send him a, umm, sexy pict of me, and he likes it, he he, and it makes me feel good to know he thinks of me in that way :P

might not be on much, have tons of work and my H will be off 'til friday, so, if I dont' post much this week everyone have a great thanksgiving (if you are in the us), hugs to all))))))))))

[RedHeadWife]

Yahoooo! Sounds like H is coming around.

And about the other guy -- BTDT, except in my sitch, it was a "friend" of my H's. Know exactly how you feel/felt. Got way out of hand and quickly. Allowed me to see how easy it can be.