new here. Feel like dying

[ms ladybug]

Wow. I bombed big time last night.
My d4 had a "feast" dinner at her school for the parents. Both h and I went. I dropped of s16mo at h's parents house (where h now lives). So, after the dinner, we all went back there. I didn't stay long, just didn't want to. Before we left, I gave h the letter (slightly revised from the one I posted. So, when we were leaving, d4 asks me, "why are we leaving daddy here?"
Oh God. I haven't told her anything at this point. I calmly told her, "daddy's going to stay with nana and papa."
She said, "Forever and ever?"
By this time I'm bawling. I replied, "Honey, I don't know."
Then, she starts saying she misses him and she doesn't want him to stay with nana and papa forever and ever but she thinks he will.

So, we get home and everyone gets ready for bed. D4 calls daddy to say good-night, and tells him to come home. He says "OK. I'll be right there."
She says, "YES! Mommy we did it!!"
Oh, my heart was breaking.

So, he comes over. Puts her to bed and comes in the living room to talk to me. He's MAD about the letter. VERY MAD. Says this is a BS response, and I don't take responsibility. He says that all he wants is for me to do what he says! He said he shouldn't have sent me the e-mail about Tennessee, he should have sent one that says, "DO what I say!" He says that's all I want, just do what I say.
What kind of marriage is that? I told him that everything in marriage is negotiable. He says, "oh now you're a marriage expert?"

Anyway, on and on, we fought, fought ,fought.
Finally, I took the suggestion that I read from a someone elses posts. I put a sock in it. We were actually able to talk some. He says he wants to come home, but I have to show him that I've changed. Things softened a lot, and I went to bed. I cried when I got in bed though, because I feel like I'm losing myself.

If I just do everything he says, I'd be nothing more than a Stepford wife. Can I lose myself like that?

He came to bed a little while later, and we made love. Afterward he asked me. "Do you want me to come home?" I said, "yes." He said "then tell me that. Tell me." So, I did. He said he also wants to come home, but has to know that I'll do the things he wants me to do. I had no reply, and pretended to be asleep.

Where do I go from here? Be a Stepford wife, and save my marriage, and give the kids back their daddy, or be true to myself? I have ideas, and thoughts, and input...