I am hurt by the fact that h chooses to continue to offer his services to ow...
I am trying to not be bothered by it but I am...
I try to not let h know but he see's something is bothering me...
I try to say I don't want to talk about it and h inquires more...
did something happen??
no nothing happened, I am just having a hard time accepting the fact that you are keeping ow as a customer. h says nothing. I just want her to go away.
I am upset, I need reaurance...h says nothing...does nothing..just stands there telling me he's gotta chop some wood...showing me how to use the broom he bought so I can sweep the damn rocks of the lawn to help him with the clean up...I go to him for a hug...he obliges and hugs back...son breaks the hug...h off to chop wood...me back to sweeping the damn rocks off the lawn and then to give dd a bath...little girls and puddles...ugh!!
part of me understands the explenation h finally gave of why he's keeping the other customers from the street...there is a possibility ow will be selling her house..(she is after all ding her h not likely they will live together or that she'd afford the home on her own) so why drop them all if they'll be moving...ok that I understand...but why keep her??? his explenation for why her proposal was not with the rest??because he's not sure what they plan to do...will they keep him for half season...will they sell right away??? shouldn't matter as the opening letter he sends to all states that if any thing in the proposal needs changing based on budget or property just to let him know via e-mail, phone or other corospondance. so then why keep hers out....why give special treatment there?? just send the friggen thing and let them contact you if it needs changing...or better yet send them one that terminates services.
I can't force h to drop her as a customer...I know that...
instead I must take solice in the fact that my h did come home to me despite the fact that over the summer while knee deep in d talk from h ow said to me "do you really think he's going to come home?" YUP!! and he did...now why isn't that good enough for me?? cause I am a neurotic basket case and I project the lives of others onto my own...h was in all likley hood NOT physical with ow in a sexual manner...did he hug her? yes he admits to hugging her when she was down about her illness (pitty party, pitty party)
I know h is at a loss as how to make me feel secure with him..I am too...
I try to lay on the couch with him at night watching cnn and loose myself in his arms...sometimes I can stop the thoughts and other times I cannot but I keep it in hoping that he doesn't sense the tension in me...but other times I am able to get past it and fall asleep there....
this is hard hard hard crap to deal with and anyone who has walked this path knows it.
I want to put it all behind me and I don't know how...
what can h do?
write me an apologetic letter that I can read when I'm down about things so that I can go to it when I feel that way and not have to ask it of him again??
that might work...but if I have to ask he wont do it...and it wont mean as much if I ask.
send me flowers telling me once again that I'll always be his angel.
that might work but will it sustain through the rough patches...will it be enough to keep me from going down the road of seeking more reasurance from him??
h is doing a lot of great things...
last night perfect example...he was tired and surley would have prefered to sit on the couch but he came out with me to diner with some of my friends...that is a huge step for h and I recognize it as such and I thanked him many times during the evening....even stayed silent on the way down letting him air his frustrations over his computer trouble...and even listened attentively to the talk radio he chooses to listen to. and i offered several times to drive because I knew he was tired.
I know h is trying...h is giving...
I don't know how to get past this hurdle... on a day to day basis...I handle ow as past a mistake...over...he's home with me despite whatever he feels or felt for her.
hell when she had the nerve to say to me..."you must be a strong woman...it's hard enough to repair a m after an a but to know your h is in love with someone else" I said to her...well love is more important than "in love" and he obviously doesn't love you all that much cause he's here with me now isn't he...
I would feel better if ow was not a customer...I would feel better if that was h's choice not his leaving it up to her...but I suppose (as always) I should try to see it from his perspective as a business person...I don't like it...I'd like to think that if I were in his shoes I'd drop her in a second...drop the whole street move the business closer to home...but I am not him and I do not own a business so I cannot say.
I wish I didn't love my h...I wish I had just married him for money and looks (should I stop wistling at him while he's chopping wood?)...it would make everything so much easier to deal with.
I suppose my feelings about ow are my feelings and I have to deal with them on my own...but it sure would be nice if h could help me with it...since ow is a result of him.
I do appreciate everyones thoughts...even if I do go on a tangent at times....keep in mind I am just a kid...ya know!!
