Quote: I would tell her I had no desire, because she was taking good care of me at home!
my h does not give me such a reply!!! he simply says nothing at all!!! or says "my feelings for her are irrelevant" ya that's comforting...
oh and if my resentment is shown to h by my doing his laundry, folding and stuffing his damn bills, buying him a second set of sponge bob pj's cause he has been wearing the first pair everynight since I bought them for him...offering to do anything I can to help may the spring clean up of our house easier for him...making him his coffee (I don't drink it), rubbing his back, listening to him talk about his stress at work, cooking the meals that I know he likes, baking cookies for him, offering him whatever he wants, keeping my mouth shut 95% of the time about ow and any other nit picky thing that may bother me.
so I am pissed off that h is keeping ow as a customer dispite how it infuriates me...sue me ok!!
the alrt is much easier but you see I am not in a place to do that....my h is home and "working" on the m...I cannot go dark and all that stuff...now is the time when things should be being worked on...talked about...dealt with and gotten over...if I am left to put all the pieces together myself concerning h's affair...then I will be left to answer the questions myself and what I come up with is far far far more horrific than what may be the truth...
my mind tells me this was a full blown affair...bumpin uglies in the ow's kitchen while her h was at work the kids at school and me at home with son! them sitting and laughing at having been seen together and my foolishly letting him stay...having a good laugh that she still had him and that he left for her...having a good laugh that she's still his customer and who knows what else and he still gets to live in his house while his wife takes care of him.
I am not saying that h is not doing anything different than before...he is...he is doing things he stopped doing long before we were even married...things are better...much much much better...sad thing is it took for h to have an affair for it to happen...took for h to try to leave for it to happen...took for h to fall in love with another woman for it to happen.
when h can tell me that he is not in love with ow and that he loves me maybe I will feel better about it all..but right now h cannot say those words or maybe he just wont...I grow tired of waiting to hear them...I grow tired of being the only one to say it..I grow tired of being afraid to say it..
if I show him to much love will I push him away? if I leave him be and just do for me and the kids will I push him away??
I am at a loss....
I know I will never forget ow...she will always be a scar in this m..always...that I can live with...but having h miss her...long for her...have in love feelings toward her..I can't live with and I don't think anyone else can honestly say they would either unless of course they simply want a marriage of convenience.
h didn't simply have an affair...he may not have even been physical with her...at least that is what he says and part of me believes him...he had feelings for this woman before he married me...married me anyway...couldn't stay away from her...went to her....eventually got caught with her...left to be with her...came home...
this is not a run of the mill affair...this was a man "in love" who still is in love with her...
ever slowly he's comming my way and yes maybe when I get impatient and want ow to be gone for good...I push him away...but don't you think what he's done has pushed me away??
who's pushing who???
h has said to me in different breaths...
no matter what I do it's never enough.
or
I don't blame you for wanting to give up...you've pulled all the punches..if I had been doing as much as you and getting back as little as I've given, I'd probably want to quit too.
so wich is it??
am I the evil bitch who wont let it go?? or am I the loving wife who's doing what she can to fix the damage with a h who is doing half the work???
