Calling All Cats :)

[LoginName]

Good morning Cat,
It sounds like you're feeling a little stronger. Just curious, do you agree with me that knowing you could divorce and be OK make you feel better and help you hang in there?

He does notice sometimes and says "what's wrong?", sigh**,

I think that would be really tough to hear. Maybe you should ask the C how to respond to that? I know my C often shocked me with simple straightforward ideas and interpretations of my W's words and behaviours. A big one he would say to me is "didn't you hear what she just said?". I think what he meant was that my W was saying something positive, but because of the sitch, my insecurities, etc. I didn't hear it. I heard all lack of all the things I wanted to hear.

My feeling is that you need to detach enough that his lack of interest doesn't hurt you, at least too much. Maybe a response like, "don't worry about it, it's my problem and I can handle it".

I do realize that adultery is not only physical

we both know the OP doesn't matter in the long run, but I do believe in the 'addiction' part of A's. What I've read, and seen with my wife, is it takes about 6+ months for the addiction to break if there is NO contact with the OP. Is your H's A over, and no contact, or limited contact with OP? This is another case for patience on your part. It will take him time to break the addiction. You've become, or are becoming addicted to the on line chat guy. Addictions aren't all bad. I'm addicted to some friends, my kids, etc.

I do like this C so much

Maybe you should keep him (her?) then. Just for you if nothing else. Just a thought.

Counseling is hard to judge. I think mine was good. It was way too little, in my mind. I'd love to talk to my W and find out what she thought of the MC. Maybe someday I can. The fact that your H is still going, and he has the option, probably means he likes the C too. MC is hard, and I bet it's especially hard on him. He's being asked to take responsibility, face himself, change - all painful things. But he may know it will make him healthier so he still agrees to go.

i did tell him he didn't have to, he said "I'll go, let's just see what happens" as if the C is supposed to pull a rabbit out of a hat

OOps, I think I addressed this above.

I was/am lucky that my health insurance covers theropy. I've got Kaiser, and I was very surprised that the C was pretty good. He wasn't what I wanted. I wanted a C that would say up front that he would fight for our (my) marriage. He wouldn't say that, but I think I saw him working toward it the whole time. He knew that if he said we should not divorce, or push my W to commit, that she would bolt. That's my interpretation anyway.

Your first line says it all

I have been trying too hard

Relax a little bit. Have a good day, maybe a good week.