Wedding band now gone, hers that is -

[Dr LOve]

Hey Luke,

I'll be 50 in Feb.

How come 50 is not as old as it used to be? Maybe I too am having a MLC.


Husband

[LuckyLuke]

Hola all,

More drama here - my wife was notified that I had filed for D a while ago. You are required to acknowledge this notification, but she refused, not sending anything back to the court. After two mailings, she got a notice in the mail telling her to call the police, which she did.

A few hours later, with both kids home, a policeman knocks on the door, asking to speak to her. She meets him, has to sign, and now the acknowledgement is done and the countdown is rolling.

Since then she hardly says a thing to me, and we avoid each other. Will this improve? It is hard to be home together (where we both work) and not communicate for hours and hours...

It makes me sad how she is hurt by this, but she did not want to work on our M, saying it was unfixable (she says she could never respect me, even with counseling, as I am not enough of a man, not strong enough).

The only steps now are my final decision in about 6 to 12 months, yes or no, and figuring out what we do with us, the house and the kids.

What a downer getting divorced is.

The ironic thing behind it all is that I still love her -

Luke

[Michael Mc C]

I'm afraid I'm not familiar with your sitch so I'll have to go back and read it. Do you file as a LRT (per the DR book) or did you do this simply because you've had enough of her not doing anything?

I hate to see my wife hurt, concerned, overwhelmed, etc. but there is very little that I am willing to do when any of those issues are directly linked to her decisions. It's the 'you made your bed...' syndrome, so to speak.

What have you done to try to regain respect in her eyes? Is there more that you can do?

[LL44]

Luke, I am so sorry for the hurt in your house right now. She obviously was avoiding the real thing, the thing she claims she has wanted all along. I hope the tension can subside soon, and you guys can work together to make this as easy as possible.

Its normal to not want her to be hurting. Know in your heart you have done everything to avoid this.

[Michael Mc C]

Know in your heart you have done everything to avoid this.

A very good point!

[LuckyLuke]

Hi mcc_xfer,

Since the bomb over 3 years ago, I've

O taken over the cooking, getting numerous compliments from people we have over (plus it gives me something to do when the wife doesn't want to spend time with me)
O run a marathon, though in a time slower than hers (it was hot, and I wasn't in the best shape). We had a dinner guest a few weeks ago who asked whether I had run in under the 'shame time' of 4 hours, which I hadn’t. I didn't hear his question, but the net result was that my wife was ashamed of me.
O weightlifted. I regularly run and am pretty fit, at least aerobically, for a nearly 50 year old.
O taken her and the kids to Japan
O taken the kids to the States three times, without her
O worked on the house and garden
O bought a sailboat, which she races

There is a saying in German that 'the daring guys get the pretty girls'. Perhaps I need to climb mountains? Take testosterone? I am the conflict avoider, while she enjoys it.

I am a relatively introverted, theory oriented guy (writing computer science patents at the moment for work), with many of the same interests my wife has, but not the bravery and toughness.

Is there a masculine pill or class I could take to 'get strong'? Not a serious question, but how do I deal with her issues?

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Hi again,
W gone for a bit, picking up work supplies. Now I wonder what other surprises wait ahead - she has been making phone calls in another part of the house, which I don't spy on, but I am curious...
If she is feeling vindictive, what else can she do? Sweden, where we live, has no fault divorce. She referred to me, in a mail to a teacher, regarding our son, as "his father" and not by name. A mild jab, that.
I still remain kind, even with the D in process and all this, made her an in-car lunch for the work stuff pickup.
Should I gird for more storms?
Must run -
Luke

[Michael Mc C]

My suggestion is to always be prepared for stormy weather. I have been pulled back into having positive feelings about our progress just to have my wife remind me that she is still looking for a D. We've all taken so many hits while going through this that eventually, sad to say, it will soon become natural to remain guarded.

The phone calls in other parts of the house do seem suspicious. If my W started with those again, I imagine I would confront her, explaining that if she needs privacy from me for a phone call, than that phone call has no place in my house.

With that said, my wife does take the phone into other parts of the house but those calls are only about her father's health - we do not want the kids to learn too much about his condition yet - mostly because we don't know quite what's going on. There are times when I wonder if there are other calls taking place but her M.O. was to have those calls late at night when she thought I was asleep. However, I do remain guarded.

[sofaraway]

Hey Luke, I am proud of you for taking a stand buddy.

I don't know about storms. Seems to me that your W may simply be trying to push you around some and knows which buttons to push with you.

My advise, stay strong, dont let her see absolutely anything bother you. Dont do jack [censored] for her unless you are already doing it for yourself. Let her sleep in the bed she made my friend.

I know that the hardest part in all this is you standing against your natural instincts to nurture and provide for her. That is the place where your focus needs to stay Luke, on staying strong and not caving to her insanity.

Keep being the wonderful man that you are and let her play all the games she wants. When its all said and done, you stood for a very very long time and should be very proud of how hard you have tried to save your marriage my friend.


Ian

[LuckyLuke]

Hi all,

How things can change when you file ! But a bit of background first, my 20 year+ WAW had a long distance A, which fizzled out a few months ago. She has dropped the bomb annually for the last 3 years, and since the first one, we have not had physical contact, with all that implies, and not much even verbal affection over the last year.

After 3 years of this treatment, I said that she had a choice: us working with a counselor to fix things or I file. She said that a counselsor could not help, and so I filed. Here in Sweden, D is a no fault, easy administrative business costing 75$ if all goes well.

All didn’t go well. Since I filed by myself, she was served notice, first by mail (via a ‘please acknowledge that you have received this letter’ enclosure), which she ignored, another letter, also ignored, then by a policeman, who physically handed her a third copy one tumultuous Friday afternoon (with the kids wondering what was going on and me feeling like hell, but sticking to my guns). The consequence of her finally forcibly being served notice is that we now have between 6 and 12 months to decide whether to finalize things.

But how things have changed since! Her previous, often aggressive stance to me is now more acquiescent, accepting, mild even. This is certainly more pleasant than the daily previous stress of before… but is it real? She said a year ago that she wants a strong man and that I cannot be one. Still, life is easier.

So I turned 50 3 days ago and she gave me an expensive, antique replica kayak – for two people – but there was no card with any tenderness, no embrace, no physical acknowledgement with that. Even this morning, when I left for a one week business trip to California, no embrace, just a short rubbing of my back after straightening my collar when I was walking out the door.

So two good things – a more pleasant wife, and a fancy birthday present – but no affection, physical or verbal…. what does it mean?

The big question is now, with Christmas coming up, shall I give her a ruby pendant (a few hundred dollars at Amazon, certainly less than the kayak)? I still have feelings somewhere for her… would expressing them this way help or hurt? She wants a tough, strong guy, someone that ‘fights back’ (she is a dominant, combative person).

How should I play this situation? What sort of gifts are appropriate for her Christmas? She is getting a copy of her favorite DVD, a book or two (even though she told our daughter ‘no more books’ a while ago). She is a ‘wild beauty’ (a recent visitor called her this), proud, tough, hard-working, with high standards.

What do you think? Is it real or sham? What does it mean?

Luke